wishes

i firmly believe it is our hopes and dreams that make us who we are, and not just in the abstract, but in the choices we make and the actions we take every day in furtherance of our own personal ideal. i am a dreamer. i dream big and hope even bigger. i jump off crazy steep cliffs, and whilst i smack face first into a stone wall as often as i land on both feet, i never stop believing in my dreams. i never lose hope.

i've long known los angeles and i would be parting ways this year. i mean, how many times have i said that 2010 is my year to bounce? i've mulled over a hundred different scenarios, have made choices and taken steps in a number of directions. impatiently. impulsively. quixotically. unregrettably.

i've been collecting boxes all year, scoping out apartments in this city and that, discarding from my life those things and people that don't belong, preparing my mind, body, and spirit for my new beginning. inviting miss scarlet into my life and adjusting to how much she's changed my life, and how much better life is with her.

and while it's certainly possible that i'm no more ready now than i've thought myself all year, something really does feel different this time. it feels like the stars are lining up just right for the exit i've long sought. and even if the stars aren't quite lined up, even if i come back next week disillusioned after my interview, i'll keep on hoping and dreaming for the time it will all be right...

~k

a week without a word

i can't believe it's been an entire week since i put anything up here. it's in part because i'm in the eye of a hurrichange and i don't want to jinx my prospects (looking better by the day!), and in part because i'm so fascinated by scarlet, i really just want to sit and watch her when i'm not playing with her, walking her, or pulling shit out of her mouth.

life is good!

~k

melpomene musing

sometimes i want to blog about things i don't want paris guy to know, but i hold back or i don't publish because i know he's here. and whilst i think if i asked him not to be here, he would respect my wishes and stay away. but i don't want him to leave. and even though my ego doesn't want him to know how much i miss him, the rest of me kind of doesn't give a shit anymore.

i mean, this is my place to let it all out. the place for my rants and raves, my hopes and dreams, my dog, my heartbreak. my special place for narcissistic expression. so...

in addition to being my pal, i thought scarlet would distract me from that woe, but she makes me miss him more. paris guy just celebrated his first anniversary with his first dog, so he totally gets what i'm going through, and he gets me. and knowing him as i do, i'd bet he'd probly be having as much fun getting to know scarlet as i am. no matter the distance.

i think about that a lot. along with how much better the world seemed when he was lighting up my every day. and about trying to be friends.

but i'm me, and i know i can't.

~k

my girl

scarlet and i survived our first weekend together, and we're coming up on the end of our first regular ole day. there have certainly been some bumps here and there, and i'll bet she was not pleased to spend the day alone today, but getting to know her is, like, wow.

she's spunky. and so sweet, curious, cuddly, and playful. sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night to her growling at her toys, and it is the cutest thing ever. i believe insta-smile is the word. when she sleeps, she curls into a little ball, and if i ease in to kiss that preciousness, a little baby growl rolls from the back of her throat. and it's so freakin' adorable, i can't help but lean in a few times. first thing in the morning, and when i come home from work, the welcome is truly delightful.

the best part is that my patience with her has genuinely surprised me. i mean, i was pretty sure i was ready, and i've no doubt i'll lose it at some point, but i've yet to get mad at her (she cannot say the same about me). even though her yipping bugs. she yips at every person who walks up or down the stairs, about half the dogs we see, and every single boy (there was unanimous consensus at the bbq saturday night that she does not like boys). then there's the bit i don't know the worser, her whining or me having to ignore her whining. oh. and she smells. like a dog.

but she is so goddamn cute hopping up and down the music box steps, figuring stuff out, and telling me how it is, that anything and everything else is forgiven and forgotten.

~k

my wild scarlet dream

my girl is here. and i'm a wreck.

first of all, she is the cutest thing i have ever seen. she is sweet, cuddly, curious, and damn stubborn as hell. but she's so confused, and i feel so guilty for taking her away from her rescue mommy and displacing her into this crazy city life she has no idea what to do about (which really does break my heart, even if i am super certain that we'll be bff in no time).

but i also love her. already. when i look into her precious little eyes, staring up at me trying to make sense of the madness she's endured today, i just want to make it all better for her. right now, she's lying on the couch next to me, her head's on my foot, and her arms are in my lap, and it makes me feel like we're going to be okay.

but it doesn't mean i'm not scared absolutely shitless. i have to somehow train this girl to get used to outings on a leash, peeing in the yard, and pooping somewhere other than inside my flat (which seems to be her preference). i have to make sure she knows this is *home* and that she's stuck with me no matter what (and hope that's a good thing for her).

and even though she's only been here for about six hours, i am utterly exhausted! i'm emotionally drained from the pressure of wanting to be a good mom without having a damn clue what that means or how to do it, and feeling like i have to make sure she doesn't feel abandoned and that she's happy on the music box steps.

and for those of you who know what an anal freak of nature i am, you'll be surprised to learn that her gas and the fact that she smells like ass doesn't even bother me. not that much...

~k

multitasking tuesday

while my original plan was to work from home today because a funeral was going to wreak havoc on my commute, when i was still in bed for "morning becomes eclectic", the day seemed like it might be turning into a personal day. when i got the email that my adoption was going through and that scarlet would be arriving on friday (see three days from now), i knew a personal day was in order, as a million things were on the pre-arrival to-do list.

so i went to burbank. for gates, crates, food, treats, toys, and a leash. then i came home, put together said gates, before figuring out that they fit neither of my kitchen doors (one of the doors was too small, the other two big).

sidebar: i am no architect. and whilst i have a deep appreciation for puzzle-esque things, i was in no mood today (we'll blame it on the full moon this time), and it took every bit of self restraint i could muster to not destroy the gates. i'm practicing patience (and it is really f'ing hard!) for the arrival of my puppy. and yes, i said puppy.

i didn't really want a puppy. i wanted a dog a little bit older, a little more mellow, a little more house-trained. but alas, she chose me. she was in my flat, on the house visit last week, for less than 15 minutes when she shit on my just-washed bed. and i knew we were made for each other.

anyway... whilst battling gates today, i caught up with kbd-little. whilst driving back to burbank to switch out the gates for ones that will hopefully fit my door frames, i caught up with another dear friend (who is in the process of building utopia).

i then ran 4.5 miles.

after which, i met the judge and dr. dave for sushi (and sake).

and rushed home to find A REPEAT OF LOST!? (with only four episodes left, i consider this an abomination).

needless to say, i've had entirely too much going on today, so i think i'm going to turn off FAKE LOST and go to bed (at least i've got a kick ass book waiting for me), and dream about the mini-diplomat who will be joining my life on friday...

~k

the devastating average

i don't know when my ego will recover from the crushing blow it was dealt today, but it's really got the rest of me in a serious bout of self doubt...

turns out i'm FS-average.

this google doc went around to the foreign service yahoo group, asking us to input our FSOT scores so's to compare. and whilst i already knew i'd passed by the hair of my chinny chin chin, today i was knocked completely off my pedastal when i discovered that my scores were "average".

average.

to a rational person, average might translate to good. i mean, half the people who took the test received lower scores than me, and only half did better (in a test with a 30% passage rate, no less). and even if it's the average of the best and brightest, it's the "average" that burns my poor little ego, a poor little ego that's spent most of its life being much closer to "exceptional".

the good news for me, i hope, is that once i get a handle on my ego (it is definitely in charge today), the humility will do us both a fair bit of good going into the OA. if we even get that far...

~k (and her ego)