truer words were never spoken

Gamble everything for love,
if you’re a true human being.
-- Rumi

birthdays in the age of social media

today is my favorite day of the year, my birthday! it's my very own holiday that i don't have to share. it's a day in which the spotlight shines directly on me, and for each and every birthday i am consistently showered with tons of attention and affection. and i love it!

facebook makes today even better because i hear from soooooo many people from so many chapters of my life. i know it's easy. we all get a notification of who has a birthday today, so it's not like anyone actually had to remember that today is my birthday. but it doesn't take away from the fact that that little notification on the right side of the screen caused each and every one of the hundred plus people who have posted on my page today to take some pause, think about me and our lives' interaction(s), and devote some energy to helping make my day that much more special. and it truly has.

i feel so special and so loved, and that my life is so full of friendship and admiration, i am truly honored. today really is my very own holiday.

~k

sex and the country

the headlines this week are all abuzz with sex scandals. from the g.o.p. nomination stage to a revered college locker room, it's all about sex.

of course i'm starting with herman cain. here's a guy who deserves our collective kudos for his personification of the american dream. he grew up "poor but happy," and went on to make himself a millionaire. and now he's in a 3-way tie in earning the republican nomination to run for president obama's job next year. the guy is a rock star.

he is also a class-a douchebag.

while its c.e.o., the national restaurant association paid severance packages to two separate women who filed sexual harassment complaints against herman cain. and while i'm not privvy to the details, i do know that one of the women received a full year's salary as her payout. and folks, companies don't pay out that kinda hush money for no good reason. now that other accusers are coming out of the woodwork, are we really going to claim it's all in an attempt to dishonor the man?

thing about herman cain is that i actually believe him when he says he didn't do anything wrong. he doesn't believe there's anything wrong with hitting on a woman or making sexual advances, even when she clearly isn't interested. he doesn't realize what constitutes sexual harassment, and probably doesn't even believe there is such a thing. and in my book, that is a serious problem. especially for someone claiming to have the judgment to lead the free world.

and then we have assistant coach sandusky - whose locker room rapes of young boys has shocked and devastated most of the nation. when i say most, i mean everyone who isn't so blinded by their allegiance to penn state, that they actually realize this man, abetted by joe paterno and the president of the university, ripped the souls from innocent children who trusted in him and looked up to him as a hero. sandusky, acting as a patron saint to the disaffected youth, started a program for disadvantaged children: a program he used to hide his predatory pedophilia.

raping, molesting, and renting out young boys to other pedophiles (or so says the latest reports), coach sandusky was protected by penn state university. he was protected by coach paterno. he was protected by president graham spanier. he was protected the same way catholic priests were protected by their archdiocese and pope.

and today there are people protesting the firing of coach paterno. why? because he's a storied coach in a revered program? because we should all look the other way the same way he did while the lives of young children were being destroyed? i don't fucking think so. every single person who is out there in support of coach paterno, you are no better than him, and you are no better than the catholic heirarchy that protected molesting priests all those years. you are putting your fallen storied program ahead of all those children that paterno hurt by his silence. you should be as ashamed of yourselves as i am of all of you. pigs.

this is the problem with sex in america today. if you're rich enough, powerful enough, or storied enough, there are no rules. you get to do whatever you want to whoever you want and you get away with it. until someone finally comes along who's willing to step up and show the world what a fucking creep you are.

and yeah, you're a fucking creep herman cain. you might not be as much of a creep as the penn state penitentiary-bound, but you're still a fucking creep.

coach paterno, you're a fucking creep. coach sandusky, you're the biggest fucking creep of them all. and all of you who support these lawless ruffians, you're fucking creeps too.

~k

fall classic

dear st. louis - i am generally sorry for bringing blizzards, tornadoes, locusts, and an earthquake when i moved here. but you're totally welcome for the world series win!

xoxo

~k

the big reveal

my secret is finally out - I'M HAVING A BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i've been dying to write about it for weeks. i mean, my life is changing in these indescribable ways. the things going through my mind. how utterly sick i've been. how completely disgusting it's all been (from the aches and pains in bizarre places, the gag reflex with a mind of its own, farting like a frat boy, and feeling like a fat pig). crying one minute, laughing the next. and how utterly terrifying.

i'm an old mom, so from the moment i walked into the doctor's office for my first pre-natal appointment, it's been all doom and gloom, "at your advanced maternal age..." and yes, they used those exact words, "advanced maternal age." the risks of every possible horrible thing that can go wrong multiplied into infinity. downs syndrome, cystic fibrisos, taye sachs (and there was a terrible article about living with and loving a baby dying from taye sachs in the weekend new york times). genetic this, genetic that.

so i opted for the invasive first trimester procedure whereby chunks of my placenta were painfully extracted so as to take a snapshot of my baby's genetic make-up. we were looking for any genetic abnormalities that could get in the way of my baby having a healthy, normal life. turns out all the worry was for naught as i'm having a healthy, perfect, baby girl, due in the middle of april.

but for all the weeks between finding out i was pregnant (the day before my honeymoon) and getting those results, i was terrified, stressed, a complete ball of nerves. my entry several days back about how lonely i've been feeling was probably just a reaction to the angst that was consuming my every thought and my every breath. imagine falling in love with this little bundle of cells, growing fast and furious deep inside your own body, hoping, praying, begging whatever god listening that everything's going to be okay, that that bundle of cells is growing into a perfect little baby, all whilst knowing that everything is completely out of your hands. add into the mix that you're a control freak of epic proportion. and boom. you have what i've been feeling for the past nine weeks. all the makings of insanity.

until last friday morning when i got the call that she's perfect... for the first time in months, i could breathe.

now that the "morning" sickness is gone, the stress has dissipated, and i'm feeling confident about an easy road for the next few months, everything feels normal again. in my life, in my marriage, at work, i feel like a productive, happy, _sane_ person.

i've no doubt that my three months of insanity won't be my last. i am, after all, becoming a parent. and if i'm a parent to a child anything like me, insanity is only just beginning... or so i can hope.

~k

in honor of columbus day

stuck outside

just because i haven't been here doesn't mean i haven't had lots to say. there's lots on my mind, lots going on in the world, and i have things to say. but i also have a big secret i'm not yet at liberty to share, so i've been biting my fingers...

but there's this one thing i grapple with that's becoming too overwhelming to just let be. i moved to st. louis for a boy. i've now been here for three quarters of a year, and i still have no friends. i have a few folks i meet regularly for lunch, drinks, or dinner, but i have no one of the "bare your soul, and still love and be loved" sort.

i've tried to get involved in a couple of organizations that mean something to me (other than the one i'm starting), but i can't seem to penetrate the parameter. i mean, sure, they'll take the money i raise, they'll take another body attending events (bodies if i bring others), but i can't get to a place of any depth where i'm adding the meaningful all of you know i have to bring.

even at work, i'm in-between factions, having grown in years and seniority beyond those i advocate for and yet still feeling too junior to find peers in those i advocate to. and work, by the way, is the only happy place in my life right now, the only place i have a place, the only place i feel valued, the only place that asks my advice, respects my opinions, and gives me any love. work. how fucking pathetic is that?

in my personal space, i'm all alone. the only "person" in my life that ever seems happy to see me, seems to care one whit about my wants and feelings, and shows me any consistent love and affection is my dog. i thank my lucky stars for her every single day, because she's who licks away the tears i cry to fall asleep at night, and who shows me that someone loves me and wants and needs me. thing is, i had her before when i was all alone, and didn't need her to lick away any tears. because in those days i was alone by choice and when i occasionally felt lonely, it was okay, just something i accepted as part of my life. but i don't feel that way anymore, in large part because i gave up my life, my ambitions, and my dreams to have a different kind of life with a different kind of person. and now i feel lonelier than ever, more regretful of the decision i made, more angst about having chosen so poorly.

i had grand plans that cost me someone i loved. funny thing is that paris guy dumped me because he didn't want to be responsible for me feeling exactly the way i feel today. but it was only in losing him that i realized i want, no i need, more meaning in my life, and that time just isn't on my side anymore. i know i want to share my life with a great love and be a mom. so i did what i had to do and i gave up the grand plans for someone i loved, and here i am with sad and lonely days brightened only by a snorkie's cold nose and sloppy kisses.

~k