Dear Iraqi Friends (dubya's version)

so, tom friedman wrote a very enlightened letter on behalf of our dipshit in chief. it was so well written, and so considerate of the american people and the world at large, no rational person could ever really think it might actually've been written by dubya (see the original here, http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/24/opinion/24friedman.html?ref=opinion), so i'm dumbing it down to make the concept a bit more believable (and i'll even use standard capitalization where appropriate)...

From: George W. Bush

To: President Jalal Talabani of Iraq, Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Maliki, Speaker Mahmoud al-Mashadani

Dear Sirs, I'm writing you because America just ran out of money and you have a bunch in our banks. And about that money in our banks, you might want to make a big withdrawel because our banks aren't doing so good. That's why I'm writing.

Lots of folks here in America are upset right now because they are losing their jobs and their money in the banks and the stock markets isn't doing so hot. They are really mad and they won't let my government have the funds to bail out the colapsing mortgage lenders. they don't get that they shouldn't have taken out loans they could not afford, but that doesn't matter anyway because they think I'm sending all of America's money to help you guys figure out who is in charge of what in Iraq.

They say they understand how important it is to have a democratic government in the middle east, but they can't wait anymore for you guys to stop fighting on our dime. and they really need for you to pony up, make some decisions, and get your government working and oust them terrorists. so, i'm real sorry because my friends in the oil business have been real pleased with our relationships with you all, but the american people aren't going to let me write a big check to my wall street friends, if i don't make you start spending your own money and stop spending our money.

so i will keep hoping the best for you, but can't give you no more money from America. Good luck and God speed.

Sincerely,
George

it's been a while, and the economy has since hit the shitter

si haven't written in over a week, because there's been so much to absorb, things i don't really understand and have been trying to better get my arms around. namely, the economy.

i read the ny times, and get the bulk of my information, news, and opinions from the best paper in the country, which also happens to lean liberal (yay!). i've been reading the business section, in addition to my usuals (i.e. the opinion page and the main section) because i'm treading in political waters i don't really get, and i want to. i need to. i have a 401k, i have an ira, i have a bank account with an ever-devolving washington mutual, as well as a savings account and money market account elsewhere. i have money in a market that is tanking more and more every day. and i'm being led by a government of dipshits who decry socialism when it involves taking money from the rich to give to the poor, but don't think twice when socialist policies take money from the poor to give to the rich. and that's the way i see this new bailout plan proposed by dubya and his cronies...

if i'm wrong, tell me. if i'm way off base, tell me. if you can point me in a direction that can show that i'm misunderstanding hank paulson's plan and that backward socialism isn't what's in play here, please do.

if our government wants to involve itself in this economic crises and do something to ward off a pending depression (do a history lesson and you'll quickly discover that the gilded age depressed when banks collapsed after risky investments in railroads and the great depression when banks collapsed after risky investments in farms and you'll see that we're in a similar and predictable predicament now via risky real estate investments), i support the endeavor. however, i would be much more supportive of a plan that gives that $700,000,000,000 (did i get those zero's right?) to the borrowers who are now losing their homes, with a trickle up effect, than the lenders who set up this risky scam and already have millions in the bank while begging taxpayers for golden parachutes out of this debacle they created.

$700 billion bucks is what richie rich is asking for to bail out his golden buddies on wall street, but how exactly is that meant to trickle down to wall street? are poory mcpoorstein and average mcjoe going to benefit from richie rich's bail-out? i dunno, can't see how. maybe i'll benefit a bit while my 401k and ira stabilize, but with my 6-figure salary and job security, i'm not worried about my investments. if they tank, i'll cry. i'll feel shitty about the money i lost in the market, but i'll still wake up tomorrow with a job, a roof over my head, and an opportunity to restock those lost funds.

and i don't have that much. i'm not getting a $40 million severance package for tanking a company and costing 20,000 jobs (see carly fiorina, a big mccain economic advisor till her gaffe (see freudian slip) that mccain and palin are both economic dummies with no business running a company (and this coming from one of the greatest failures in corporate american leadership)). i just don't understand how and why anyone can argue that this bailout is a good idea. it essentially gives a boat-load of MY MONEY (and yours, my fellow tax-payers) to the very people who created this mess, while letting the homeowners who've already suffered the loss of their homes, jobs, hope, and money, lose everything else, without any regulation or oversight to make sure good ole hank doesn't crown himself king of the free world. how is that going to help america? how is that going to help anyone who doesn't already have pockets lined with gold?

how is that going to keep henry paulson, jr. from becoming king of the once great democracy known as America?

camp obama

i gave another weekend to obama this weekend, but it's been different. this one has been the most inspired, energetic, and hopeful i've had in a while. and it's mostly because the newest campers are so full of something so powerful, my deepest fears for this election have been laid to rest - at least for the weekend...

i told my story of self today. with every bit of confidence, power, and self-empowered strength i could muster, i told my story - a story that began 16 years ago this month when i woke to find myself buried in wires, tubes, and excruciating pain. lying in a bed in a tiny hospital room without a memory of the night that had brought about my new beginning (and end of what had been). i told a room of 300+ strangers of the great gift i possessed, of self-empowerment, of knowing that i alone owned my destiny. that my belief in my ability to change my life was the reason i was walking, depsite a doctor's prognosis to the contrary. that i believed in me, that i believed in us, that i believed we were the change we've been waiting for, and that barack obama was our leader. that all it took for a greater america and a greater world was us, getting off our asses, and leading the way. they stood and cheered, as i stood in awe of a standing ovation for my story of self. i am pretty sure i was hugged and admired by more strangers today than ever before in my life. and i can't lie. it was fucking awesome!

the reason i was able to tell such an impassioned story is because that room was so full of positive energy and forward thinking, at a time i've become bitter and scared, and angry with myself for all i have sacrificed for this campaign, and this country that i'm not sure deserves my heart and soul. i'm bitter because i've given up so much of my personal life, i've given to the point where my own heart feels heavy and at times empty of feeling. i've given financially and emotionally, physically and mentally. i've walked on the edge of my sanity because i believe i am making a difference in helping lead america in a better direction. and i'm bitter because sometimes i don't feel appreciated, by myself, the campaign, my friends and family, and those i stand beside in this trying time.

i'm angry because the stupidity of the masses is buying into the lies and hypocrisy as twisted by the republicans. i've never seen more bullshit strewn about or more turns made in the paths of truth to suit the plays of the sorely losing. the denial, the fabrications, the self-sighteous indignation of mccain and palin, all at the expense of those who seek to speak and find the truth. yeah, i'm a liberal and i see things differently than the other team. but i'm not masking reality in shades of gray, just off enough to fool those who don't have the time or intellectual ability to dig deep enough to see those false claims for the truth-skirting lines of shit they are.

i'm talking about the "blessing" of bristol's teenage pregnancy, when a black teen-ager in that same situation is portrayed as a piece of trash. i'm talking about creationism vs. evolution. i'm talking about the bridge to nowhere and the pork barrel spending. i'm talking about tim kaine not having near enough experience (as mayor of a town of 200,000 and governor of a state as insignificant as virginia) to be considered as obama's veep while palin (mayor of a town of 6,300 and governor of the state right next to russia) is perfectly suited for the job (in the words of karl rove). i'm talking about hypocricy that makes me sick, and the dipshits who buy it that make me even sicker.

i'm talking about sadness for america, over pride for country. i'm talking about dummies in the middle being controlled by the monies on the coasts with oilrigs. i'm talking about a country i want so desperately to be good enough to deserve this heart of mine, to be worthy of the blood i'd bleed for her great flag to once again wave in pride and glory. i'm talking about my aching heart that breaks a bit more every day i turn on the news to see stupidity winning over intellect, greed defeating empathy, lies triumphant over truth, and selfish entitlement squashing brotherhood of man (or whatever p.c. term i'm supposed to use here to encomass all the world's children). i'm talking about disappointment in my fellow americans for thinking that it's a good idea to extend the horrors of the past eight years for another four.

i fear too early, for my mind misgives some consequence yet hanging in the stars, that's bitterly begun his fearful date with the republicans' revels, and will expire the term of a despised life closed in our breasts, by some vile forfeit of this great country's untimely death. but he that hath the steerage of our course, direct our sail... for my sail will continue blowing left, in all the hope and wonder i can muster and carry these next 52 days... oh mighty america, please do not fall asunder under the heavy weight of the lies from the right...

the restlessness

i'm feeling very unsettled, as though at its most fundamental level, my life doesn't quite make sense right now.

it really doesn't. i'm a walking, talking contradiction, and every few steps i take i have to remind myself to keep breathing.

i just got home, after spending a week working in sacramento (where some douchebag red-neck said, "handicap's first") and san francisco (where i've found some great new friends). it feels amazing to be home, in my space, in my fabulous apartment in the hills, with all the beautiful energy that flows here. but i can't wait to leave town again in a few hours, to get somewhere i can maybe rest. because i want to rest, and i can't do that here, even though "here" is where i'm centered and synergized, where all of my elements line up and feel their brightest and best. and maybe rest isn't meant to be. for now. maybe i'm fooling myself to believe that there's a place i can rest, that my mind is capable of turning off, and that i'll find it if i just look hard enough.

i don't know.

i blame the restlessness, the sleeplessness, the frantic energy i'm constantly burning on the campaign. i tell myself and others i'll sleep after november 4th, that it's "change" adrenalin pumping through my veins. but is that even possible? is it really the campaign itself, or is it but the reason i use to help make sense of what otherwise doesn't?

i don't spend much time with my friends. the ones on the second tier (not that i love less, but see much less often), shit, i haven't seen in weeks, if not months. i haven't seen a movie since there will be blood (which blew). i haven't seen my bff for more than a five minute walk-by since july. i haven't been shopping in so long, i don't even remember when i last spent an afternoon trying on half of anthropologie. i haven't been to the super-market or a farmer's market in many weeks. i haven't been on the inside of a mall this entire summer, haven't been to lacma since dali, i've done none of la's summer-y events, haven't even been to a cemetery screening this season, and have hit none of my usual favorite places...

my excuse is the campaign...

the campaign gives me a great mechanism for remaining comfortably numb (back to that). it's my excuse for not having time for my friends, not having time to sleep, or doing the things that used to make me me. it's my excuse for shutting down and backing out. it's my excuse for seeing people, especially the ones in my closest life, as agents of pain, instead of conduits of love. and it's a great and wondrous excuse, because it gives me so much pride and joy to feel like i'm making a difference in the world, and helping to move our country in a new and more enlightened direction. but at the end of the day, i have to wonder at what cost?

and what will my excuse be after november 4th?

comfortably numb

hallway boy busted me feeling a bit more for him that i wanted him to know. yeah, we have this amazing connection that rises above games, bullshit, and a need to be something we're not, but i wasn't ready for him to know (struggling to be okay with it myself). one of the things i like most about him is his confidence in and absolute acceptance for who he is. it makes him the hottest boy i've ever met (compounded by other levels of hotness he personifies that i have never seen in another human being).

to make a long story short, i left a diary window open on my computer, in which i'd been berating myself for letting him get to me, for wanting more of him, wanting to give him more than i really want to want to give, for falling for him, for losing my power to control my feelings for others, for giving me hope that more is out there than the detachment i've been feeling for life since pouring myself into the campaign. he saw the diary (if i believed in such things, i'd say it was an accident). and because we've started this thing with no secrets, no questions off limits, no rules about which discussions are or aren't on the table, and there doesn't seem to be much of anything we can't talk about (though he's better with the spoken word than me, as his level of comfort with himself is more finely tuned than mine), he asked me about it.

i was pretty uncomfortable with the discussion. relinquishing so much power was not in the cards i was ready to put into play. but i'm trying to be even better when it comes to rolling with the punches (not that this is something i'd ever consider a weakness of mine, but always striving to be better), so i engaged. yes, i admitted i'm falling for him, but that i'm hanging on to a really solid branch, and i refuse to fall any deeper into that bottomless ravine below my dangling feet until he gives me the go ahead, something he's no more ready to do than i am.

the thing i find the most telling - about myself and where i am right now - is the absolute verity of my assessment of that place i'm in... a previously foreign place, where i have become comfortably numb.

these words aren't my own, but describe where i've settled, where others have come to fit within the confines of the un-availability i've defined for myself after the tumultuous coupla years i've endured, and where he's breaking through:

"there is no pain, you are receding.
a distant ship's smoke on the horizon,
you are only coming through in waves,
your lips move but i can't hear what you're sayin

when i was a child, i had a fever.
my hands felt just like two balloons.
now i've got that feeling once again,
i can't explain,
you would not understand.
this is not how i am.
i have become comfortably numb...

there is no pain, you are receding.
a distant ships smoke on the horizon.
you are only coming through in waves.
your lips move but i can't hear what you're sayin.

when i was a child, i caught a fleeting glimpse out
of the corner of my eye.
i turned to look but it was gone.
i cannot put my finger on it now.
the child is grown, the dream is gone.

i have become comfortably numb."

life is simpler when i'm comfortably numb. the power i feel in the palms of my hands, and the intensity in my gaze, makes me invincible (and unreachable). it's simpler when i am in control of my feelings, when the fleeting desires of others mean near to nothing to me, and the willingness of my heart to be open to those occasional waves of something more, something i've allowed myself here and again, come just often enough to remind me that i remain capable of feeling something greater than uninspired consistency .

hallway boy doesn't let me maintain possession of that power. little by little, and unbeknownst to him, he strips it from me, by habitually surprising me with what is so unmistakably genuine about him. he's like no one i've ever known, so beautiful, raw, real, self-aware and self-assured, and self-deprecating enough that there's no question his confidence is absolute (especially since i know he'll back up that mouth of his with whatever it takes). i'm nuts about him, and i revel in those moments we're together and i know he feels the same fascination with me and this exploratory journey upon which we have chosen to embark.

i've no idea where it'll go, but it doesn't matter. regardless of whether we've got five minutes or five hundred years, when he cruises through my day, he brings a wave of raw and unhindered energy i've never before experienced and it knocks me on my ass. in a word, he is uh_may_zing!, a welcome and inspired break from a life otherwise spent comfortably numb.

i hurt somone today

so, i try really hard to be a good person. it's kinda my number one rule. i don't like being hurt so i don't intentionally hurt others. unfortunately, however, i also try really hard to put me first (life, love, and failures have taught me, time and again, that the only person who can make me happy is me) and that often times means others will get hurt by virtue of having to come second to my own need for happiness. and that happened tonight.

there is someone from my past i care a great deal about. his feelings, his heart, and his future mean a lot to me. i once loved him as madly as any person can love another, and we hurt each other beyond repair. i just didn't know that till now. i couldn't accept that i could love that deeply and feel so strongly for someone and those feelings fade and die. but they did and it's time for both of us to move on. as fair as it isn't, and as painful as it's been, it's over. it's simply over. admitting that to myself was almost as painful as it was admitting it to him...

but i know this because i'm falling again. after dating the unavailable, the uninterested, the too interested, and the simply annoying, i have finally seen the light that is a second chance, and it's turned me upside down and around and around. i didn't see it coming, i didn't see him coming, i even tried to let my own fear of falling keep me from the edge. but he makes it impossible, hallway boy...

regardless of whether or not hallway boy and i have a future, i know that somewhere and with some time, i'm capable of love again. i see it, feel it, and know it's within reach. just as i know it's time to let my first great love go find his next love. he can't wait for me, because what we had has died. it's gone. it's over. i can never love someone who hurt me so deeply, who cut slits into my heart i thought would forever keep me from loving completely and trusting with my whole heart and soul.

and i really wasn't sure. i mean, i always hoped and part of me always wanted to know that i'd love again, that i'd trust again, that i'd hand my heart to another on a silver platter without thinking or blinking. the hope came in waves, just as did the hopelessness. but i know it's there. i know i can, i know it's worth it, i'm worth it, and that person from my past is also worth having the same opportunity. i have so much love in me, so much love to offer, so much i want to share, that i believe in my second chance, whene'er the stars are ready to get all lined up just right. and hallway boy, if it turns out you're not the guy for me, i will never forget that you opened a door in me i feared was jammed shut forever.

all of this beauty, all of this wonder, all of this awe and surprise, all of the love i feel building in my heart and in my soul, the future i'm glimpsing, and the passion that's been ignited doesn't mean i don't hurt in the deepest depths of my soul for hurting someone today, someone i once loved with every ounce of my being. i'm so so sorry i hurt you, my first true love. i'm sorry i hurt you today. i'm sorry i hurt you any day. and i'm sorry that our love is gone...

week in review

i guess there's no better place to start than with, "i'm exhausted"...

notwithstanding my short blaze on the campaign trail, i can't remember a time in my professional life i've worked harder (so much so that i've recently (and frequently) been accused of being a baller - shocker, i know!). i'm putting in more hours than i even want to count, sleeping very little, traveling a bit too much, and really digging it all. the job's going well and i'm happy with the firm, my position, the level of work i'm doing, and the results i'm seeing. it feels like the right fit on an intellectual level, as well as a personal level, and it's nice to be challenged while knowing that i'm making an impact.

things are going well on the campaign trail too. after much internal wrangling, it seems as if i'm feeling some direction of my own as the campaign delivers its marching orders. i'm a phone girl. as much as that realization blows (because the phone annoys the shit out of me), i do well with persuasion and recruitment calls. and if i can crank out a few hundred calls each week, or recruit the people to crank out the hundreds of calls, i will be making a huge difference in the results of this election. and it's where i'm good. so onward i march into phone banking training and coordinating, for the next 80 days or so.

i spent today facilitating at camp obama (tomorrow too), working with, training, and guiding a new generation of volunteers. it was hell having to be downtown at 7:30 on a saturday morning (after a fairly late - but worth every second and then some - friday night), but it's beyond inspiring to see so many people signing up to get the right guy elected president. and i'm back at it tomorrow...

my personal life, what little time i have for one, is also in a good place. i'm happy and i look and feel good. i'm tired, but i'm taking care of me, and i feel empowered and in control of my destiny. i'm happy. even though i'm tired, i'm really, really happy...