dear friends - that you stand by me, support me, and believe in me - even when my own doubts make me question how much i believe in me, is the reason (and with you the reasons) i live as beautifully as i do. and that i have such faith in goodness. thank you. my love is yours eternal.
~k
28 August 2009
27 August 2009
the indestructible part
caution: this post is not for the weak at heart.
my next door neighbor, we'll call him "schneider" (cuz he's my mr. fix it, and lucky for me (and him) that the only its he can fix are the sort i have) has been gone for_ever_, so sometimes i visit his facebook page to poke around and see what he's up to. a while back, i found this quote on his page, 'only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us'. (btw, i know that the period technically belongs inside the quote (which should probably look like this, "), but it's illogical, and i therefore refuse to follow that dumb rule).
and i've been on pause ever since.
i've been flaking on plans because i can barely fight my need for intensely quiet solitude. i go to work, and i _work_. then i go home to absorb thousands of pages of books, newspapers, wikipedia. and i think. sometimes to music, sometimes on my reformer, and sometimes just sitting in a silence interrupted only by the faint sounds of the city at the bottom of the hill, passerbys on the music box steps, and the creatures of nature stirring about these hills (including this one fucking woodpecker outside my window, 'peck', 'peck', 'peck'ing away at the ass crack of dawn every single day that makes me wish i had a bb gun).
where i've been, where i am, where i'm going, what i'm doing, what i'm meant to be doing. how it all goes together. and how i've been through hell, not just in the crash and living with that scar, but in love and in living with that scar. and i wonder, what if i haven't quite found what's indestructible in me? what if there's worse yet to come? i mean, tough me plays it off as though i got this. but real me. real me is a big pussy, just like all the other democrats, and real me wonders if it's worth it to take the chance (oh, and real me is pretty awesome at avoiding ever getting to that bridge).
there is absolutely not one single part of me that believes the rest of my life will be anything less than extraordinary. i am here to make the world a better place, and i am and will have an amazing time figuring out how and doing just that. but it doesn't mean i don't have doubts about things, feel frustrated with the pace of change, or sometimes feel lonely, or wish that there was a little less uncertainty in my next year.
it's not all peaches and cream to be so open and ready to surrender to whatever life has next in store for me. cuz it ain't happening so fast. and i am doing my best to be patient, keep my faith, be more accepting of real me, and enjoy this journey, but it's hard. i'm anxious, i'm ready, and i feel like i'm spinning my wheels in limbo, when there is such greatness stirring about me and within me. it's just hard sometimes.
but i know that '[s]he that can have patience, can have what [s]he will', and it does help me keep the faith.
~k
my next door neighbor, we'll call him "schneider" (cuz he's my mr. fix it, and lucky for me (and him) that the only its he can fix are the sort i have) has been gone for_ever_, so sometimes i visit his facebook page to poke around and see what he's up to. a while back, i found this quote on his page, 'only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us'. (btw, i know that the period technically belongs inside the quote (which should probably look like this, "), but it's illogical, and i therefore refuse to follow that dumb rule).
and i've been on pause ever since.
i've been flaking on plans because i can barely fight my need for intensely quiet solitude. i go to work, and i _work_. then i go home to absorb thousands of pages of books, newspapers, wikipedia. and i think. sometimes to music, sometimes on my reformer, and sometimes just sitting in a silence interrupted only by the faint sounds of the city at the bottom of the hill, passerbys on the music box steps, and the creatures of nature stirring about these hills (including this one fucking woodpecker outside my window, 'peck', 'peck', 'peck'ing away at the ass crack of dawn every single day that makes me wish i had a bb gun).
where i've been, where i am, where i'm going, what i'm doing, what i'm meant to be doing. how it all goes together. and how i've been through hell, not just in the crash and living with that scar, but in love and in living with that scar. and i wonder, what if i haven't quite found what's indestructible in me? what if there's worse yet to come? i mean, tough me plays it off as though i got this. but real me. real me is a big pussy, just like all the other democrats, and real me wonders if it's worth it to take the chance (oh, and real me is pretty awesome at avoiding ever getting to that bridge).
there is absolutely not one single part of me that believes the rest of my life will be anything less than extraordinary. i am here to make the world a better place, and i am and will have an amazing time figuring out how and doing just that. but it doesn't mean i don't have doubts about things, feel frustrated with the pace of change, or sometimes feel lonely, or wish that there was a little less uncertainty in my next year.
it's not all peaches and cream to be so open and ready to surrender to whatever life has next in store for me. cuz it ain't happening so fast. and i am doing my best to be patient, keep my faith, be more accepting of real me, and enjoy this journey, but it's hard. i'm anxious, i'm ready, and i feel like i'm spinning my wheels in limbo, when there is such greatness stirring about me and within me. it's just hard sometimes.
but i know that '[s]he that can have patience, can have what [s]he will', and it does help me keep the faith.
~k
24 August 2009
groundhog day
as this healthcare debate goes on (and on and on and on and around and around), there's one side (this week's line of bullshit drawn by a senator from utah who looks my age times three, and seems about as in touch with reality as i am in kindergarten curricula) that makes no sense. and then there's my side, acting like pussies.
'zat sound about right?
~k
'zat sound about right?
~k
20 August 2009
oh los angeles
i hope you know that i will love you till the day i die, and while i almost always savor your weather surprises, and stick up for your cold summer days while everyone cries for heat, this is getting a little out of hand. we are here primarily for the perpetual sunshine you've promised. so stop trying to be san francisco, and give us the summer we expect.
thanks.
~k
thanks.
~k
stinky theatre
tonight i saw a movie that made me laugh and cry, and ride the wave of the story all the way to its inevitably tragic ending. sounds amazing, right? yeah. until they ruined it by changing the best ending ever!
i will never forget how hard i cried when i read that last page of the 'time traveler's wife'. it was that moment of perfection in time, in life, when everything rhymes. and i spent the entire movie looking forward to that beautiful moment between clare and henry that's lived in my imagination ever since.
and now i'm pissed off. pissed that i gave two hours of my life (plus traffic time) to feel so emotionally manipulated, and so let down by being robbed of that 'it' moment on the big screen. if you made that movie, i hate you.
~k
i will never forget how hard i cried when i read that last page of the 'time traveler's wife'. it was that moment of perfection in time, in life, when everything rhymes. and i spent the entire movie looking forward to that beautiful moment between clare and henry that's lived in my imagination ever since.
and now i'm pissed off. pissed that i gave two hours of my life (plus traffic time) to feel so emotionally manipulated, and so let down by being robbed of that 'it' moment on the big screen. if you made that movie, i hate you.
~k
18 August 2009
oh, and that...
there's this little healthcare debate (tho the word debate doesn't seem to accurately reflect the insanity pies being smashed in my face every time i turn on the television, try to have a conversation, or see the 'conversations' others are having on this issue) going on in america right now.
but i'm staying out of this fray. to my fellow organizers, i'm real sorry. i commend you all for continuing to march. and i'm sorry that the far right and far left are equally as nuts and angry, with you stuck in the middle, trying to find a way to talk down the death counseling, and talk up why a public option isn't a pre-requisite for reform. i mean, hello, look it up in the dictionary. 'reform, the improvement or amendment of what is wrong, corrupt, unsatisfactory, etc.' i'm going to break that down into one word for ya. improvement.
and honestly, until we have a single payer system, these are all just baby steps in the right direction. but man, people are freaking out. like, psychotically. i'm sorry big-government-haters, i get why you believe as you do (inefficient bureaucracy (a word i never spell right on the first try) and all that), but we gave the free market its chance. and the free market bent america in half and ripped out its gut. and then the insurance company declined to cover pharmaceutical phil's $60 billion remedy. free market failed because it's a big, greedy, white asshole. and now big government's gotta come clean up its shit.
despite the alluring repartee of the healthcare debate, this little politico is staying home, sharpening her knives for the next round of the climate change debate.
~k
but i'm staying out of this fray. to my fellow organizers, i'm real sorry. i commend you all for continuing to march. and i'm sorry that the far right and far left are equally as nuts and angry, with you stuck in the middle, trying to find a way to talk down the death counseling, and talk up why a public option isn't a pre-requisite for reform. i mean, hello, look it up in the dictionary. 'reform, the improvement or amendment of what is wrong, corrupt, unsatisfactory, etc.' i'm going to break that down into one word for ya. improvement.
and honestly, until we have a single payer system, these are all just baby steps in the right direction. but man, people are freaking out. like, psychotically. i'm sorry big-government-haters, i get why you believe as you do (inefficient bureaucracy (a word i never spell right on the first try) and all that), but we gave the free market its chance. and the free market bent america in half and ripped out its gut. and then the insurance company declined to cover pharmaceutical phil's $60 billion remedy. free market failed because it's a big, greedy, white asshole. and now big government's gotta come clean up its shit.
despite the alluring repartee of the healthcare debate, this little politico is staying home, sharpening her knives for the next round of the climate change debate.
~k
flaking
as a general rule, i pride myself on not being a flake. i mean, i try really hard (and admittedly fail sometimes) to keep my word. but this week, and since about thursday of last week, i can't even seem to keep the plans i initiate.
wtf!?
~k
wtf!?
~k
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