i didn't make it to the next stage. and while on the one hand, that shit stings. on the other, i'm relieved. i mean, honestly, don't i have enough going on?
in the grand scheme of things, i was dreading the thought of having to prepare for the most insane interview of my life whilst starting a new life and a new job in a new city. i can start the foreign service rigamarole over again in a year, by taking the written test again. my plan now is to try again next march. but i'm not opposed to something else coming along and steering me elsewhere.
right now, i want to focus on starting a new life. i want to revel in all its joys and woes. i want to be open to whatever happens or doesn't happen. and going into a new life with no written plan means i surrender to what will be.
~k
04 June 2010
03 June 2010
en route to a new life
stop one, chicago. zip is getting married on sunday and i am her bitch until i continue the eastward journey on monday.
i'm no friend to chicago. i mean, zip lives here, the end. and it does house the art institute, the architecture boat tour, that super fun photo op at the top of the hancock building, and wrigley field (for the record, just because i love wrigley field does not mean i don't really _hate_ the cubs). and i'm definitely a 10 here.
but. it's just kinda ewww. the weather sucks, it's in the middle of nowhere (even though it's also the road to everywhere), 95% of the people my age never left their fraternities and sororities (and fer reals look exactly the same as they did then with a 25-pound add), and that beautifully efficient but rusted steel montrosity hanging from the skyline just make chicago feel ewww.
it's kinda nice to visit a city i don't dig. makes the better ones seem that much more so (e.g. LA, DC, paris). and even better to spend her most special weekend with my bff zip.
~k
i'm no friend to chicago. i mean, zip lives here, the end. and it does house the art institute, the architecture boat tour, that super fun photo op at the top of the hancock building, and wrigley field (for the record, just because i love wrigley field does not mean i don't really _hate_ the cubs). and i'm definitely a 10 here.
but. it's just kinda ewww. the weather sucks, it's in the middle of nowhere (even though it's also the road to everywhere), 95% of the people my age never left their fraternities and sororities (and fer reals look exactly the same as they did then with a 25-pound add), and that beautifully efficient but rusted steel montrosity hanging from the skyline just make chicago feel ewww.
it's kinda nice to visit a city i don't dig. makes the better ones seem that much more so (e.g. LA, DC, paris). and even better to spend her most special weekend with my bff zip.
~k
31 May 2010
saying goodbye
i've lived the best three years of my life on the music box steps, which makes it especially hard to say goodbye. and especially easy too.
they all come and go in waves: nostalgia, daring, sadness, excitement, fear, lady luck. and in the center of all the madness, there is a perfect calmness. because it's time. and i'm ready.
all roads i want to travel depart from washington. i'm pretty sure we all know this. and it would seem that i'm finally ready to go pick one out. if only there weren't that pesky goodbye thing involved.
there are so many things i love about LA, so many smells, tastes, sights, and places simply delight my life. and staying here forever, indulging in what makes this place so beautiful, wouldn't suck. at all. but it wouldn't be a challenge either. and i like adventure way too much to settle into the [not unappealing] facile.
so brushing away my tears, off i go.
~k
they all come and go in waves: nostalgia, daring, sadness, excitement, fear, lady luck. and in the center of all the madness, there is a perfect calmness. because it's time. and i'm ready.
all roads i want to travel depart from washington. i'm pretty sure we all know this. and it would seem that i'm finally ready to go pick one out. if only there weren't that pesky goodbye thing involved.
there are so many things i love about LA, so many smells, tastes, sights, and places simply delight my life. and staying here forever, indulging in what makes this place so beautiful, wouldn't suck. at all. but it wouldn't be a challenge either. and i like adventure way too much to settle into the [not unappealing] facile.
so brushing away my tears, off i go.
~k
28 May 2010
my month of may(hem)
haysoos!
first of all, i've had no wi-fi for seven days. talk about a walk through the gates of hell. and i only just found out yesterday that there was non-dial-up internet in the house. but of course, by then it didn't matter...
last thursday, my mom called to tell me that my grandpa wouldn't make it through the weekend. i was on the red-eye that night. my parents got divorced when i was a wee thing, and because my mom's parents lived just up the street and around the bend, they were her most reliable babysitters. and the ones i stayed with when i got the chicken pox (because granny and pa'd both had them, whilst my mom had managed to escape the damn thing). i took the bus to and fro school from their house, and took more whippins in their yard than any of my cousins or brothers for our shared antics (most probably instigated by me (turns out my mom was the same way as a kid)).
so you see, i loved my grandpa a lot, looked up to him a lot, reveled in his "pa" awesomeness. so there's no way i'd miss saying goodbye to him. and getting to do so whilst spending countless hours in the company of others who felt the same way was, like, the most amazing thing ever. turns out my relatives are about the best there ever was. which seems well-suited to a pa such as the one i had.
there was that conundrum: having so much fun watching someone die (begging someone to die until he finally did. on sunday).
and then came the call on monday that DC is a go.
i'm still trying to get my arms all the way around that one. i mean, those of you who've long read this bullshit know that i've been trying to get the hell out of LA. and who wouldn't agree that DC was the likeliest next stop (though i sometimes still wish it was the other place). i've found time and again, however, that wanting to leave LA isn't quite the same thing as coming "home" for the last time.
me heart hurts a whole lot right now, in a lot of places and a lot more ways than i thought possible. my head keeps reminding me that i wanted to start a new life in a new city, and that change is meant to be hard, but the part of me that _feels_ is too sad right now for those rational things...
~k
first of all, i've had no wi-fi for seven days. talk about a walk through the gates of hell. and i only just found out yesterday that there was non-dial-up internet in the house. but of course, by then it didn't matter...
last thursday, my mom called to tell me that my grandpa wouldn't make it through the weekend. i was on the red-eye that night. my parents got divorced when i was a wee thing, and because my mom's parents lived just up the street and around the bend, they were her most reliable babysitters. and the ones i stayed with when i got the chicken pox (because granny and pa'd both had them, whilst my mom had managed to escape the damn thing). i took the bus to and fro school from their house, and took more whippins in their yard than any of my cousins or brothers for our shared antics (most probably instigated by me (turns out my mom was the same way as a kid)).
so you see, i loved my grandpa a lot, looked up to him a lot, reveled in his "pa" awesomeness. so there's no way i'd miss saying goodbye to him. and getting to do so whilst spending countless hours in the company of others who felt the same way was, like, the most amazing thing ever. turns out my relatives are about the best there ever was. which seems well-suited to a pa such as the one i had.
there was that conundrum: having so much fun watching someone die (begging someone to die until he finally did. on sunday).
and then came the call on monday that DC is a go.
i'm still trying to get my arms all the way around that one. i mean, those of you who've long read this bullshit know that i've been trying to get the hell out of LA. and who wouldn't agree that DC was the likeliest next stop (though i sometimes still wish it was the other place). i've found time and again, however, that wanting to leave LA isn't quite the same thing as coming "home" for the last time.
me heart hurts a whole lot right now, in a lot of places and a lot more ways than i thought possible. my head keeps reminding me that i wanted to start a new life in a new city, and that change is meant to be hard, but the part of me that _feels_ is too sad right now for those rational things...
~k
19 May 2010
miss scarlet (with one t)
whilst i traveled in search of work, miss scarlet stayed with a friend of mine who has two small dogs - one of which is about scarlet's age. my girl was so excited to see her new bffs - henry and maggie, i don't even think she noticed me leaving her saturday morning. and then she went and had such a blast all weekend, going on hikes, wrestling with henry, cuddling with maggie, and playing 24/7, i worried she wouldn't even remember me when i picked her up last eve.
but as soon as i walked in, she ran up to me, jumped all over me, smothered me in kisses, and chillaxed all loving-like in my lap, while henry cajoled her to play. scarlet really is the best thing ever.
she has such a sweet disposition, loves to cuddle and share affection, and is a big fan of kisses. but she's also very sassy, isn't scared to talk back when scolded, and intentionally pushes her boundaries (which means it will be a while before she comes off the leash on hikes and at the park). she loves playing fetch with her little red ball, rolling around in the grass while making weird growling sounds, and sleeping curled up right next to me.
she isn't a big eater, but loves peanut butter, cottage cheese, rope, and the insulation around my water heater. she doesn't beg when the rest of us eat in front of her. she smells everything everywhere we go, including every puddle of pee and pile of poop she can find. she loves other dogs, is very socially adept, and quickly becomes the leader of any pack. because she's smart, confident, and sassy. and tops that package with such a cute face, she is simply irresistible.
and the best part about her is that she loves me best of all. which is the awesomest feeling in the whole world!
~k
but as soon as i walked in, she ran up to me, jumped all over me, smothered me in kisses, and chillaxed all loving-like in my lap, while henry cajoled her to play. scarlet really is the best thing ever.
she has such a sweet disposition, loves to cuddle and share affection, and is a big fan of kisses. but she's also very sassy, isn't scared to talk back when scolded, and intentionally pushes her boundaries (which means it will be a while before she comes off the leash on hikes and at the park). she loves playing fetch with her little red ball, rolling around in the grass while making weird growling sounds, and sleeping curled up right next to me.
she isn't a big eater, but loves peanut butter, cottage cheese, rope, and the insulation around my water heater. she doesn't beg when the rest of us eat in front of her. she smells everything everywhere we go, including every puddle of pee and pile of poop she can find. she loves other dogs, is very socially adept, and quickly becomes the leader of any pack. because she's smart, confident, and sassy. and tops that package with such a cute face, she is simply irresistible.
and the best part about her is that she loves me best of all. which is the awesomest feeling in the whole world!
~k
the bittersweet taste of beginnings
i'm back from my interviews on the other coast, and whilst nothing is yet written in stone (and until the stone tablet hits my desk, details here will remain murky), i'm about 90% certain that i walked out of LAX for the last time today.
i look all around me, and see a part of my life coming to a close. i'm done here. i no longer belong in los angeles or to los angeles. our interests, hopes, and dreams are no longer sympatico. my friends know it. my family knows it. i know it. and fortunately for miss scarlet and me, we're moving to a city much more dog friendly than this, and into an apartment that will cost nearly double what we're paying now (fer reals- YIKES!).
so, knowing as i do that it's time for me to close the book on this chapter in my life doesn't make it any less sad, scary, or stressful. i'll be starting over. in a new city, in a new job, with new friends, a new nightlife, a new day life, a new home, a new neighborhood, a new everything. and as much as i look forward to the exciting days ahead of me, i fear for my safety, security, and serenity. i fear losing how safe, secure and serene i feel on these music box steps. and i fear the great unknown in my very near future.
it's a taste in my mouth that's both bitter and sweet. it's knowing how sweet it is that i have a new adventure ahead of me, and how bitter it tastes to leave behind so much that i know and love...
but it is what it is and i know i am ready for something new...
~k
i look all around me, and see a part of my life coming to a close. i'm done here. i no longer belong in los angeles or to los angeles. our interests, hopes, and dreams are no longer sympatico. my friends know it. my family knows it. i know it. and fortunately for miss scarlet and me, we're moving to a city much more dog friendly than this, and into an apartment that will cost nearly double what we're paying now (fer reals- YIKES!).
so, knowing as i do that it's time for me to close the book on this chapter in my life doesn't make it any less sad, scary, or stressful. i'll be starting over. in a new city, in a new job, with new friends, a new nightlife, a new day life, a new home, a new neighborhood, a new everything. and as much as i look forward to the exciting days ahead of me, i fear for my safety, security, and serenity. i fear losing how safe, secure and serene i feel on these music box steps. and i fear the great unknown in my very near future.
it's a taste in my mouth that's both bitter and sweet. it's knowing how sweet it is that i have a new adventure ahead of me, and how bitter it tastes to leave behind so much that i know and love...
but it is what it is and i know i am ready for something new...
~k
14 May 2010
wishes
i firmly believe it is our hopes and dreams that make us who we are, and not just in the abstract, but in the choices we make and the actions we take every day in furtherance of our own personal ideal. i am a dreamer. i dream big and hope even bigger. i jump off crazy steep cliffs, and whilst i smack face first into a stone wall as often as i land on both feet, i never stop believing in my dreams. i never lose hope.
i've long known los angeles and i would be parting ways this year. i mean, how many times have i said that 2010 is my year to bounce? i've mulled over a hundred different scenarios, have made choices and taken steps in a number of directions. impatiently. impulsively. quixotically. unregrettably.
i've been collecting boxes all year, scoping out apartments in this city and that, discarding from my life those things and people that don't belong, preparing my mind, body, and spirit for my new beginning. inviting miss scarlet into my life and adjusting to how much she's changed my life, and how much better life is with her.
and while it's certainly possible that i'm no more ready now than i've thought myself all year, something really does feel different this time. it feels like the stars are lining up just right for the exit i've long sought. and even if the stars aren't quite lined up, even if i come back next week disillusioned after my interview, i'll keep on hoping and dreaming for the time it will all be right...
~k
i've long known los angeles and i would be parting ways this year. i mean, how many times have i said that 2010 is my year to bounce? i've mulled over a hundred different scenarios, have made choices and taken steps in a number of directions. impatiently. impulsively. quixotically. unregrettably.
i've been collecting boxes all year, scoping out apartments in this city and that, discarding from my life those things and people that don't belong, preparing my mind, body, and spirit for my new beginning. inviting miss scarlet into my life and adjusting to how much she's changed my life, and how much better life is with her.
and while it's certainly possible that i'm no more ready now than i've thought myself all year, something really does feel different this time. it feels like the stars are lining up just right for the exit i've long sought. and even if the stars aren't quite lined up, even if i come back next week disillusioned after my interview, i'll keep on hoping and dreaming for the time it will all be right...
~k
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