the end of an era

where do i even begin?

this whole little year end rundown might get a bit boring, so i do apologize, but watching the chips of my life fall into place with such effortlessness and to land so beautifully is a lot to wrap my mind around.

just a coupla years ago, i walked out of a year forcibly leaving all the shit behind. i shed all the ropes and shackles holding me back (being haunted by my failed marriage and fearing at my core that i would always be alone), and went to paris alone to revel in my solitude and celebrate my liberty. it was there i learned that i could love someone again, someone who loved me just as much.

so that when i met him, en route to my new (see temporary) life, i would never doubt that he's the one i'm meant to share my life with. and after an insane roller coaster of a year (getting scarlet, leaving los angeles, zip's wedding, driving across the country with my brother, and starting a new (blech) life and a new job on the other coast), i'm ready to be a grown up and seize the life i really want. and i found the person i want to be a grown up with.

the best part is that he feels the same way. this past sunday, he put his grandmother's engagement ring on my finger at brunch in a rotating restaurant on top of st louis, and asked me to marry him. and even though there was no doubt in his mind that i was going to say yes, he was so nervous he was shaking. that's the love i want. and the love i want to give.

so here's to 2011, the best year of my life.

so far...

~k

one creepy christmas

i'm sure i've mentioned that i live smack dab in the center of urban mania. there are always people around, horns honking, sirens blaring, bottles breaking, and dogs barking. "war of the worlds" as kbd-l might quip. and i love it. it's so full of life, with diversity in people, restaurants, bars, and stores. laughter, yelling, and chatter at every turn. and in all that chaos is a genuine sense of security, a safety in numbers if you will.

much like the one i left, this city empties out at christmas time. every one heads back to whatever place they came from (cuz, no one is actually _from_ here). i said the same thing every holiday season in LA, as i basked in the beauty of an abandoned 80-degree-sunshiney city. but in LA, people were around, there were just a lot fewer of them. DC, on the other hand, is a flippin ghost town.

i've never seen anything like this. both christmas eve and last night, i was actually scared when out of doors after dark. the streets were barren land, i could count maybe one other person on any given block, and with everyone bundled up in eskimo-wear they all looked sketchy. the streets were essentially devoid of its typical sounds of life. no cars, people, screeching buses, busy stores. just quiet, empty, and intimidating. kinda like the day after war of the worlds.

made me all the happier to be spending the bulk of it indoors, catching up on the most classic of 80's movies whilst miss scarlet devoured the goodies she found in her stocking.

...until i went to bed, and spent the whole night dreaming jason voorhees was trying to kill me.

~k

dream a little dream

in the midst of a very productive lame duck session of congress (d.a.d.t. repealed, START ratified, another giant stimulus package passed), and president obama knocking some heads, a most unfortunate dream slipped through the cracks of congress.

okay, so immigration in america is a subject most don't even want to touch. sooooo many morons out there... despite the fact that we are a nation of immigrants, little seems to fire up the masses more than "mexicans stealing our jobs," "building a fence along the border," "terror babies," or whatever other racially inflammatory bout of idiocy our media and the right wing are able to stir up.

funny thing is, that our immigration policy hurts the american economy much more than it hurts anyone or anything else, save perhaps the tens of thousands of kids who grew up in america thinking their whole lives that they were american citizens, only to discover at college app time or military entry time that they're here illegally (we'll get to this in just a sec).

american immigration policy puts a cap on the number of foreigners who can legally migrate here in any given year. a lot of the folks who want to be here came here legally, attended our universities, and possess knowledge, skills, and an entrepreneurial spirit that might be a boost to our economy. if only we'd let them stay. but we don't. and off they go, back to the whence from which they came, to take their education, skills, and job-creating entrepreneurial spirit to boost an economy in another corner of the world.

as for the "mexican problem," again complete and utter nonsense. yes, there is drug-related violence on the borders, and yes, the obama administration's uptick in border patrol has resulted in reduced violence, more arrests, and fewer illegal border crossings. but the folks crossing the border illegally are also creating a bit of an economic boom themselves. they move into neighborhoods, which means they are buying housing, groceries, clothing, and other necessary life items that the job force has to create and distribute. and they are, frankly, taking jobs you and i don't want for a paycheck you and i don't want. further, they are paying taxes into social security, medicare, and state and federal coffers for services most will never use. check the stats. all true.

but americans think with their feelings, not their heads, with their fear and not their hope. otherwise, the dream act would also have passed through this lame duck session of congress.

the dream act offers a 6-year road to citizenship for kids who grew up in america, albeit illegally (often without even knowing it), so long as they finish college or complete two years of military service. these are americans, people who contribute to our society and our economy, who are being punished for the sins of their parents. it's a no-brainer bill, with bipartisan backing. but the senate still can't muster a filibuster proof 60-vote majority, primarily because republicans are unduly slapping contentious labels like "amnesty" onto a bill meant to do the right thing for thousands of innocent children who had no say in whether they entered this country legally or otherwise.

but like so much else in this country right now, it's not about right or wrong, but about the cries of the ignorant malcontents who, in this particular case, can't see beyond the words "illegal immigrant"...

~k

feeling the holidays

i have spent 13 years of christmases in a tropical paradise, give or take a coupla holiday vacations to winter wonderlands, trying harder to get in the spirit than actually being in the holiday spirit. but living in a place where it's cold (bitter bitter cold), it just feels like christmas. and christmas kinda rocks!

yesterday whilst driving miss scarlet to her photo shoot with santa claus, i saw three different groups of folk carrying still-wrapped christmas trees up 14th street. medium-sized, little, a one big tree (at least a bit big to be carrying a number of blocks), but. people. carrying. christmas trees. up the street. up the bitterly cold street, a gray sky overhead, and enough dampness in the air to wonder if it would be rain or snow when it decided to hit.

people all bundled up in, what i surprisingly find to be, fabby gear. i mean, who knew that winter was a beacon for accessorizing. you wouldn't believe the stylishness (along with its antagonist) i see. the hats: fedoras (even on girls!), beenies and berets, vintage cloches, and these super cute wintery ones with the ear muff thing and strings hanging down. not to mention scarves, coats and jackets, and omg! the boots.

the whole package. the christmas trees tossed over one shoulder, and the ones dragged by gleeful kids, the red starbucks cups, the lights, the signs of sales everywhere and the sounds of christmas tunes lighting up every shop, store and starbucks, the santas with bells and the ones sitting with dogs, it's all kinda awesome. fun. happy. charitable. the way christmas is supposed to feel.

it's almost ironic that it takes the shitbag pile of freezing rain, bitter cold dog walks, and slippery sidewalks to feel that true holiday cheer.

~k

dicks on a train

metro insolence is becoming a theme on these music box steps, but the level of chutzpah i encountered today gives fucktarded egoism a whole new meaning. i actually had to ask an able-bodied white male in his mid-30's, who happened to be sitting underneath this sign,


to move his bag so i could sit in the seat next to him.

are you fucking kidding me?

~k

wiki leaks again

i've not yet decided where i stand on this whole wikileaks thing. there is a part of me that rather enjoys the "no shit sherlock" vindication of my long-held beliefs that the obama administration is much better at chess than were the bushies (see cables between u.s. and russia over the missile defense move in exchange for a vote against iran, see cables between u.s. and saudi arabia to get china onto saudi's oil and off iran's, and see cable from the saudi king expressing anger over bush's insistence on "handing iraq to iran on a golden platter," after the king strongly advised against going to war in iraq).

on the other hand, there's something kind of fucked up about the detailed exposure of intricate and presumably diabolical manipulations the leader of the free world must engage in to maintain that salutation, not to mention the safety and sanctity of america. i mean, think about it. we are america. we are the great ones, the "exceptional" if you will. we are pillars of democracy, the tower of strength to the rest of the world, the moral compass we ask others to follow. can we really be all that whilst also playing manipulative games with this country over that, this leader over that, pulling this punch here in order to deliver it there?

for those of us with a working brain and an eye toward the reality of the modern world, the word "duh" does come to mind. but we live in a country full of simpletons who believe the words of "wisdom" spoon fed to them by the likes of glenn beck, sarah palin, and rush limbaugh. we also live in a world where mahmoud ahmadinejad has access to wikileaks (see cables from every leader around the world calling him crazy and telling the u.s. to let israel bomb the fuck out of iran).

so how appropriate is it to over-share the details of what really does go on in the game of multinational diplomacy? and can america stand tall atop the mountain of moral superiority whilst rolling around in the machiavellian mud with the rest of the riff-raff?

you decide.

~k

what if

i think "what if" is a question we've all asked. probably more than once. some of us wonder, others dwell, sometimes in and out of heartbreak and sometimes just because. sometimes out of curiosity, others out of regret, but it's one of those questions in life we can't help but ask from time to time.

i've asked a lot this week past. my dearest little kbd, hot off the midterm campaign trail, has been staying with me since my birthday. with her comes memories of the greatest adventure of my life (so far), obama's campaign trail. i started in texas, met my little kbd in indiana, followed her to south dakota, gave her refuge on the music box steps whilst awaiting her general orders, and watched her leave for florida when that call came.

so, what if? what if, instead of watching her leave for florida, i had followed her there?

i would have given up my music box steps and a six-figure salary to go earn peanuts and live with strangers in orlando. i like to fancy that i'd've been her regional deputy field director, though i may've been a field organizer (with my golden pick of turf). i would have won, and won many accolades doing so, and knowing me, i'd've followed them north to washington, where i would have couch surfed whilst banging on doors and pounding pavement so's to land myself a gig in the president's administration. and i would have.

my last two years would have been very different than they have been. they would have been mired in uncertainty, adventure, and semi-organized chaos. i would have a white house stamp on my resume instead of that of a private-sector director. i would be well on my way to becoming a washington insider, and hating it as much as i do as a washington outsider wanting to stay that way.

i would pretty much be right where i am (though living in a much less lush apartment). i would still have been in zip's wedding in chicago this past june, and i would still be in the throes of the life-changing love affair that started that weekend. and i would still be clawing my way out of this wretchedly douchey city.

so whilst i've no doubt the path would have been much different, i'd still have made my way to this place. for once in my life, it seems i may've chosen the easier path, fraught with fewer gray hairs and wrinkles (thank goodness!) and a much better resume for my next job search. i'm not saying it stops me from thinking about how much fun that other path might have been, how rewarding, how adventurous, and how exciting. but there is some comfort in knowing that i still made it to the place i'm meant to be, and to the person i'm meant to be with.

i guess in asking what if and circling about the possibilities, i've discovered that though i may have chosen the path, the destination was always here, just waiting for me to arrive.

~k