28 August 2009


dear friends - that you stand by me, support me, and believe in me - even when my own doubts make me question how much i believe in me, is the reason (and with you the reasons) i live as beautifully as i do. and that i have such faith in goodness. thank you. my love is yours eternal.


27 August 2009

the indestructible part

caution: this post is not for the weak at heart.

my next door neighbor, we'll call him "schneider" (cuz he's my mr. fix it, and lucky for me (and him) that the only its he can fix are the sort i have) has been gone for_ever_, so sometimes i visit his facebook page to poke around and see what he's up to. a while back, i found this quote on his page, 'only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us'. (btw, i know that the period technically belongs inside the quote (which should probably look like this, "), but it's illogical, and i therefore refuse to follow that dumb rule).

and i've been on pause ever since.

i've been flaking on plans because i can barely fight my need for intensely quiet solitude. i go to work, and i _work_. then i go home to absorb thousands of pages of books, newspapers, wikipedia. and i think. sometimes to music, sometimes on my reformer, and sometimes just sitting in a silence interrupted only by the faint sounds of the city at the bottom of the hill, passerbys on the music box steps, and the creatures of nature stirring about these hills (including this one fucking woodpecker outside my window, 'peck', 'peck', 'peck'ing away at the ass crack of dawn every single day that makes me wish i had a bb gun).

where i've been, where i am, where i'm going, what i'm doing, what i'm meant to be doing. how it all goes together. and how i've been through hell, not just in the crash and living with that scar, but in love and in living with that scar. and i wonder, what if i haven't quite found what's indestructible in me? what if there's worse yet to come? i mean, tough me plays it off as though i got this. but real me. real me is a big pussy, just like all the other democrats, and real me wonders if it's worth it to take the chance (oh, and real me is pretty awesome at avoiding ever getting to that bridge).

there is absolutely not one single part of me that believes the rest of my life will be anything less than extraordinary. i am here to make the world a better place, and i am and will have an amazing time figuring out how and doing just that. but it doesn't mean i don't have doubts about things, feel frustrated with the pace of change, or sometimes feel lonely, or wish that there was a little less uncertainty in my next year.

it's not all peaches and cream to be so open and ready to surrender to whatever life has next in store for me. cuz it ain't happening so fast. and i am doing my best to be patient, keep my faith, be more accepting of real me, and enjoy this journey, but it's hard. i'm anxious, i'm ready, and i feel like i'm spinning my wheels in limbo, when there is such greatness stirring about me and within me. it's just hard sometimes.

but i know that '[s]he that can have patience, can have what [s]he will', and it does help me keep the faith.


24 August 2009

groundhog day

as this healthcare debate goes on (and on and on and on and around and around), there's one side (this week's line of bullshit drawn by a senator from utah who looks my age times three, and seems about as in touch with reality as i am in kindergarten curricula) that makes no sense. and then there's my side, acting like pussies.

'zat sound about right?