26 September 2010

peace out, peter pan

this may be one of those blog entries that gets me into trouble for speaking first here, for surprising someone i care about with some bit of info about me that i didn't warn them about first. so this time i'm going to start with the end.

there is nothing on earth i want more than the life my boyfriend is offering me: a house in the burbs of a small(er) city, complete with a long commute, another relocation, kids, soccer games, a station wagon (though i will cry the entire way to trading in my mini cooper), responsibilities out the ying yang, travel go lightly. and i want that life with him. more than anything.

but to choose that life means i have to give up the dream of the one i thought i wanted. and that part has been harder than i thought it would be.

more specifically, i saw an advertisement the other day for the management cone of the foreign service. had i started over with that process, i'd've chosen the management cone, as it's more in line with my experience to date, and would have been my in to that life i so ardently dreamed of leading. and it made me really, really, really sad. it also made me question whether or not i'm making the right choice for me (that question, for the record, took me less than half a second to answer in the affirmative). it made me realize, for maybe the first time, that that dream - that saving the world adventure life - isn't for me.

because it was a dream life. and i'm choosing a real life to share with a real person (a real person i love more than i ever thought possible), one i know will be full of a different kind of adventure, but an adventure nevertheless. when i close my eyes to try to catch glimpses of our future together, i like what i see: lots of laughing, plenty of tears, so much love and affection, sitting in his lap when we're in our 50's, making him laugh, him trying to cool my heels when i'm on the verge of a tantrum, exploring every inch of our city, and as much of the world as we can possibly squeeze in. and i love those glimpses.

even more than the ones i caught of my dream life.

which is why i know i've made the right choice.

the end.