07 October 2011

stuck outside

just because i haven't been here doesn't mean i haven't had lots to say. there's lots on my mind, lots going on in the world, and i have things to say. but i also have a big secret i'm not yet at liberty to share, so i've been biting my fingers...

but there's this one thing i grapple with that's becoming too overwhelming to just let be. i moved to st. louis for a boy. i've now been here for three quarters of a year, and i still have no friends. i have a few folks i meet regularly for lunch, drinks, or dinner, but i have no one of the "bare your soul, and still love and be loved" sort.

i've tried to get involved in a couple of organizations that mean something to me (other than the one i'm starting), but i can't seem to penetrate the parameter. i mean, sure, they'll take the money i raise, they'll take another body attending events (bodies if i bring others), but i can't get to a place of any depth where i'm adding the meaningful all of you know i have to bring.

even at work, i'm in-between factions, having grown in years and seniority beyond those i advocate for and yet still feeling too junior to find peers in those i advocate to. and work, by the way, is the only happy place in my life right now, the only place i have a place, the only place i feel valued, the only place that asks my advice, respects my opinions, and gives me any love. work. how fucking pathetic is that?

in my personal space, i'm all alone. the only "person" in my life that ever seems happy to see me, seems to care one whit about my wants and feelings, and shows me any consistent love and affection is my dog. i thank my lucky stars for her every single day, because she's who licks away the tears i cry to fall asleep at night, and who shows me that someone loves me and wants and needs me. thing is, i had her before when i was all alone, and didn't need her to lick away any tears. because in those days i was alone by choice and when i occasionally felt lonely, it was okay, just something i accepted as part of my life. but i don't feel that way anymore, in large part because i gave up my life, my ambitions, and my dreams to have a different kind of life with a different kind of person. and now i feel lonelier than ever, more regretful of the decision i made, more angst about having chosen so poorly.

i had grand plans that cost me someone i loved. funny thing is that paris guy dumped me because he didn't want to be responsible for me feeling exactly the way i feel today. but it was only in losing him that i realized i want, no i need, more meaning in my life, and that time just isn't on my side anymore. i know i want to share my life with a great love and be a mom. so i did what i had to do and i gave up the grand plans for someone i loved, and here i am with sad and lonely days brightened only by a snorkie's cold nose and sloppy kisses.