whistling dixie

i have spent a week in hell. and it all began with that foreign service post...

to which paris guy responded, "I cannot stand in the way of someone who wants to change the world. Especially a baller like you whose changes and difference making I fully support and am (make no mistake here) the BIGGEST fan of, no matter any others' claims. Your path is not mine..." (and, omg, the way he uses words, i melt reading them because i can hear his voice speaking them).

and i died.

while writhing about the heartbreak, confusion, and sadness that feels like death (i mean, FUCK!, really? you're the most amazing boy i've ever met, and we have this thing, this connection, this something crazy.), i had to accept the truth about me, that i'm meant to roam the planet for a while. i want my globetrotting destiny, even if it costs this much. at least for now (i mean, the end game is writing full time at home (wherever that is), but for now, i want and need to collect a lifetime worth of unimaginable fodder). and if he doesn't want to get his international groove on alongside me, i have to let him go.

or so says rational me.

but knowing rational me is right doesn't make emotional me hurt any less. and he wants to be friends, which rational me would also love, but i'm ruled by emotional me, and that doesn't work for emotional me. i mean, i want to be friends. i miss him sooooooooo much. he's the best boy i've ever known, and he's set my boy bar so high, nary a one will come close to matching up (but i would never discourage the good ones from giving it a shot). but friends?

is it even possible to step back? to go from feeling romantic love for someone to not? from sharing thoughts and moments too intimate for anyone else to forgetting that's even on the table? or is it just letting him have his cake and eat it too (i.e. he gets all the best parts of me without having to deal with any of the hard stuff (i.e. awesome for him))? i don't know.

but seriously, while i'm sitting here whistling dixie, why don't you share your thoughts in the comments box below? please? i mean, y'all have been in love, you've lost loves, you've wanted to and i'll bet some of you have even tried to hang on. surely you have an opinion. can we be friends? is it possible? should i even try?

help me?

~k

a quieted discomfort

"the truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. for it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."
- m. scott peck

disaster preparedness

in spite it being 6pm on a monday (see HELL), i knocked trader joe's off my to-do list.

earthquake yesterday, rain today, a girl's gotta be prepared for whatever calamity may befall tomorrow, and i figured i best have something more in my pantry than my last package of ramen noodles. i mean, seriously.

then i added a coupla things to that list. for starters, i really need to hit up goodwill (i have this thing about getting rid of things (e.g. clothes, books) when i bring new things into the house, it keeps my space lighter, and me more comfortable, but that shit piles up fast!).

and i'm thinking it's about time to dig in and finish novel #2. summer project.

i'm feeling it, the story, my girl, the era, egypt's stirring in my soul again. knowing it's gonna be a year or two before i'm going to have to pack my life into boxes for destination unknown means now's the time. and i want to write so badly, i look for thoughts to chase my typing fingers, i'd be a fool not to use this burst of inspiration to tell a great story...

i'm thinking that just might be what the boss calls "the rising".

~k

weekend fail?

i had three things on my to-do list for the weekend: target (i'm down to using travel containers of toiletries), trader joe's (i haven't bought groceries since january), and taxes (i still have 11 days). that list, uh, remains untouched. but i guess the impromptu and most random adventures, nestled between bouts of hard core hibernation, and an afternoon battling with bleach, means the weekend wasn't completely wasted.

even if my ever-growing list of chores and errands rolls into next week...

sigh.

~k