02 January 2010

ring around the fire

last night, seven amazing women and i sat around a fire and ceremoniously burned this decade past. regrets, heartache and heartbreak, loss, self-doubt, terrorism, global economic meltdown, job woes, love woes, life woes, and george w. bush went up in flames.

we each shared our sadness and disappointments with reflective honesty and clarity, and then watched these huge weights on our souls burn to nothingness. some of us made lists while others of us brought relics of our past. and we all emptied wasted space to make room for the better to come.

and whilst one never knows if this next decade will be any better, hope springs eternal that my list of wants in the coming years will fortuitously rise from those ashes, bestowing an even greater purpose and elation than i felt when offering them to the fire gods last night.

with a much lighter step, onward we bounce.


30 December 2009

rain laden luck

it's raining today. it's one of the five days each year i experience something other than 80-degree sunshine in beautiful southern california.

any of you who frequently indulge in the bullshittery that is my blog know that i've wavered a great deal this past year. first, there was no chance in hell i'd leave these beautiful and tranquil hills of easty los angeles. then, there was no way in hell i was staying.

would i be relocating to washington, dc, to go work for the potus, or would i go all in and run off to build a nation in some failed or failing state in dangerous and obscure parts of the world? or would something altogether crazy and unexpected grab me by the horns and pull me into a direction i never saw coming? if you're looking for an answer, i still haven't one to offer.

but today, whilst the rain falls outside, all of the above questions pour inside.

there is no doubt in my mind that the most unexpected thing of all has come along to throw a wrench in the unfolding plans i've been making. love. i've fallen hard and fast, and think that if given the choice, i'd probably rather have a life with love than with career. but this relationship is too new to start closing the career doors. and it's probably too new to even start a conversation about how mired i've been this past year in my next career move, and how that impacts my now and immediate future.

except that the career doors are opening too quickly. and i should've known they would. i mean, i've had my eye on an april with cherry blossoms for many moons now, so i shouldn't be so surprised that i'd start the new year with options flooding in. and honestly, i probably wouldn't be feeling this surprised, upset, or as pressured as i do, had this new wrench not come along.

afghanistan called today. turns out, i'm knee-deep in the running for a myriad of positions to help the new afghan government design and implement its national justice system (can we say 'build a nation?'). and the white house also called today with a possibility that might just be right up my alley.

and all i want to do is cry. because whilst these aren't yet choices, none of them, they each and separately represent a choice i'm soon going to have to make. and part of me fears i'm going to be making a [ginormous] decision without all of the assurances and information i might wish to have so's to better the odds i'll make the right one...


27 December 2009

a sin city christmas


ya never know where expectations might lead. chances are equal that things'll go from expectations good, bad, ugly, or beautiful. though i think we all usually lean toward the happy with our expectations, i think we always hold a bit back so's to protect ourselves from the disappointment if things don't really go as we'd hoped.

i met someone in paris. i thought he was interesting, beautiful, and fun. 'twas with him that i shared the most romantic night of my life. but when you're walking the streets of paris till the wee hours of the morning with someone seemingly perfect, there's something magical about the idea that might not translate to the reality that ofttimes destroys the 'perfection' in any given moment.

so when paris guy and i planned date number two, my expectations were high, but i held back enough to stave off disappointment just in case he wasn't as magical as he seemed in that perfectly parisian night.

we met in vegas for christmas this week. i'm pretty certain that it's safe to report that the magic survived paris, as we shared not just the best vegas weekend ever, but quite possibly the best christmas ever. and the best gift for me is that the reality of him surpassed my already high expectations.

and i'm left feeling things i don't know i've ever felt before. as for expectations, they're sorta soaring in the same clouds of bliss i now find my heart, head, and happiness.

to be continued...