28 May 2010

my month of may(hem)


first of all, i've had no wi-fi for seven days. talk about a walk through the gates of hell. and i only just found out yesterday that there was non-dial-up internet in the house. but of course, by then it didn't matter...

last thursday, my mom called to tell me that my grandpa wouldn't make it through the weekend. i was on the red-eye that night. my parents got divorced when i was a wee thing, and because my mom's parents lived just up the street and around the bend, they were her most reliable babysitters. and the ones i stayed with when i got the chicken pox (because granny and pa'd both had them, whilst my mom had managed to escape the damn thing). i took the bus to and fro school from their house, and took more whippins in their yard than any of my cousins or brothers for our shared antics (most probably instigated by me (turns out my mom was the same way as a kid)).

so you see, i loved my grandpa a lot, looked up to him a lot, reveled in his "pa" awesomeness. so there's no way i'd miss saying goodbye to him. and getting to do so whilst spending countless hours in the company of others who felt the same way was, like, the most amazing thing ever. turns out my relatives are about the best there ever was. which seems well-suited to a pa such as the one i had.

there was that conundrum: having so much fun watching someone die (begging someone to die until he finally did. on sunday).

and then came the call on monday that DC is a go.

i'm still trying to get my arms all the way around that one. i mean, those of you who've long read this bullshit know that i've been trying to get the hell out of LA. and who wouldn't agree that DC was the likeliest next stop (though i sometimes still wish it was the other place). i've found time and again, however, that wanting to leave LA isn't quite the same thing as coming "home" for the last time.

me heart hurts a whole lot right now, in a lot of places and a lot more ways than i thought possible. my head keeps reminding me that i wanted to start a new life in a new city, and that change is meant to be hard, but the part of me that _feels_ is too sad right now for those rational things...