but i wanted a baby, and not just any baby, but the baby i got. she's exactly who i've dreamed of having in my life. my beautiful, sweet, little buddy. i get to show her the world and teach her about life, and then watch her go off and live her own. i love life with her. and i wouldn't trade it in for anything.
~k
Showing posts with label he that hath the steerage of my course direct my sail. Show all posts
Showing posts with label he that hath the steerage of my course direct my sail. Show all posts
05 January 2013
09 January 2011
ringing it in with dynamite
i started the first week of the new year getting engaged and ended it getting fired.
setting aside the melodrama, getting fired - whilst not a pleasant experience, really was the best thing that could have happened to me right now.
my fiance is in st louis starting our life without me. and i want to be with him. i thought i was trapped in DC (and we all know how happy i've been here) till my lease ended in june, or until i was able to save enough money that it wouldn't matter. but we were looking at being apart for months more whilst i continued fighting my district blues.
until the general and his side-kick came into my office this thursday past, to tell me "today is your last day at [anonymous former employer]". i was stunned. not quite speechless, i struggled to squeak out a "why?". they said they just didn't see a long term fit with me. and whilst the word "duh" did spring to mind, my poor little ego crashed to the floor. like, i can't believe they broke up with me. first. even though i've long known i was going to resign by spring anyway, it didn't take any of the sting out of the rejection.
but it's been a few days. so i'm past the shock, i think my ego will get away with only minor bruising, and in looking forward, i'm peering into the most amazing year of my life. i get to get out of DC, i get to go be with my love every day, and i finally get to have the life i want. i want to write more, love more, and focus more on things that matter while building something wonderful with the man of my dreams.
when the year started and he asked me to marry him, i was so happy i tried not to think about how much it was going to suck to spend the next several months without him, planning our wedding from afar, and watching him build our home via texted pictures. when the week ended, it meant our wait would instead be days. kinda proves that a miracle wrapped in shit is still a miracle.
~k
setting aside the melodrama, getting fired - whilst not a pleasant experience, really was the best thing that could have happened to me right now.
my fiance is in st louis starting our life without me. and i want to be with him. i thought i was trapped in DC (and we all know how happy i've been here) till my lease ended in june, or until i was able to save enough money that it wouldn't matter. but we were looking at being apart for months more whilst i continued fighting my district blues.
until the general and his side-kick came into my office this thursday past, to tell me "today is your last day at [anonymous former employer]". i was stunned. not quite speechless, i struggled to squeak out a "why?". they said they just didn't see a long term fit with me. and whilst the word "duh" did spring to mind, my poor little ego crashed to the floor. like, i can't believe they broke up with me. first. even though i've long known i was going to resign by spring anyway, it didn't take any of the sting out of the rejection.
but it's been a few days. so i'm past the shock, i think my ego will get away with only minor bruising, and in looking forward, i'm peering into the most amazing year of my life. i get to get out of DC, i get to go be with my love every day, and i finally get to have the life i want. i want to write more, love more, and focus more on things that matter while building something wonderful with the man of my dreams.
when the year started and he asked me to marry him, i was so happy i tried not to think about how much it was going to suck to spend the next several months without him, planning our wedding from afar, and watching him build our home via texted pictures. when the week ended, it meant our wait would instead be days. kinda proves that a miracle wrapped in shit is still a miracle.
~k
26 September 2010
peace out, peter pan
this may be one of those blog entries that gets me into trouble for speaking first here, for surprising someone i care about with some bit of info about me that i didn't warn them about first. so this time i'm going to start with the end.
there is nothing on earth i want more than the life my boyfriend is offering me: a house in the burbs of a small(er) city, complete with a long commute, another relocation, kids, soccer games, a station wagon (though i will cry the entire way to trading in my mini cooper), responsibilities out the ying yang, travel go lightly. and i want that life with him. more than anything.
but to choose that life means i have to give up the dream of the one i thought i wanted. and that part has been harder than i thought it would be.
more specifically, i saw an advertisement the other day for the management cone of the foreign service. had i started over with that process, i'd've chosen the management cone, as it's more in line with my experience to date, and would have been my in to that life i so ardently dreamed of leading. and it made me really, really, really sad. it also made me question whether or not i'm making the right choice for me (that question, for the record, took me less than half a second to answer in the affirmative). it made me realize, for maybe the first time, that that dream - that saving the world adventure life - isn't for me.
because it was a dream life. and i'm choosing a real life to share with a real person (a real person i love more than i ever thought possible), one i know will be full of a different kind of adventure, but an adventure nevertheless. when i close my eyes to try to catch glimpses of our future together, i like what i see: lots of laughing, plenty of tears, so much love and affection, sitting in his lap when we're in our 50's, making him laugh, him trying to cool my heels when i'm on the verge of a tantrum, exploring every inch of our city, and as much of the world as we can possibly squeeze in. and i love those glimpses.
even more than the ones i caught of my dream life.
which is why i know i've made the right choice.
the end.
~k
there is nothing on earth i want more than the life my boyfriend is offering me: a house in the burbs of a small(er) city, complete with a long commute, another relocation, kids, soccer games, a station wagon (though i will cry the entire way to trading in my mini cooper), responsibilities out the ying yang, travel go lightly. and i want that life with him. more than anything.
but to choose that life means i have to give up the dream of the one i thought i wanted. and that part has been harder than i thought it would be.
more specifically, i saw an advertisement the other day for the management cone of the foreign service. had i started over with that process, i'd've chosen the management cone, as it's more in line with my experience to date, and would have been my in to that life i so ardently dreamed of leading. and it made me really, really, really sad. it also made me question whether or not i'm making the right choice for me (that question, for the record, took me less than half a second to answer in the affirmative). it made me realize, for maybe the first time, that that dream - that saving the world adventure life - isn't for me.
because it was a dream life. and i'm choosing a real life to share with a real person (a real person i love more than i ever thought possible), one i know will be full of a different kind of adventure, but an adventure nevertheless. when i close my eyes to try to catch glimpses of our future together, i like what i see: lots of laughing, plenty of tears, so much love and affection, sitting in his lap when we're in our 50's, making him laugh, him trying to cool my heels when i'm on the verge of a tantrum, exploring every inch of our city, and as much of the world as we can possibly squeeze in. and i love those glimpses.
even more than the ones i caught of my dream life.
which is why i know i've made the right choice.
the end.
~k
29 August 2010
en transiency
when i learned i was moving to washington, i promised myself to roll with whatever life had in store for me. no more fighting, searching, longing. i was just going to be. i mean, it's not just that we never know what is in store for us. it's that if we're so focused on the search, we miss what is, and i wanted to stop and smell the flowers for a while.
and i guess maybe that's just easier to do whilst living in a city known for its transient nature. i mean this is DC. the residents change with the political winds. no one is from here, and no one is here to stay. most of us didn't set our sights on the place, we're all just here because we somehow landed here. and we're all just waiting for the right exit door to open, whatever it may be and wherever it may lead.
thing is, there's a lot of time to reflect when you're in a temporary place. i've spent the past few months thinking about where i've been, what i've done with this extraordinary life i've lead with a passion often times more reckless than not, and what it is i truly want next. i made it easy on myself by creating a bucket list a few years back, and these past weeks and months i've oft peered it over with a mind more open that i've allowed much these past few years. my focus is clearing, and i'm sharpening the red pencil i'm set to take to my bucket list this year.
i want to go home. and it's time.
there's this song on a playlist my love made for me that's kinda feeling like my theme song of now. the lyrics tell my story, "another airplane, another place, i'm lucky, but i wanna go home... i feel like i'm living someone else's life... surrounded by a million people, i still feel all alone."
that's me.
it's not that i don't love my life or washington, or that i can't revel in my own bravery for starting over on another coast at my age. it's just that being here makes it all clear. being here makes it truly clear for me that a life alone will be a lonely one. i don't want to be a lone adventurer our there saving the world from all its woes. i want a rich life, full of love and laughter. and i want to go home to my love, and share a life with him, happily ever after.
but first i'm taking a little trip to sip turkish coffee in the shadow of the hagia sophia, after which i'm gonna spend 22 hours roaming the streets of my beloved paris...
~k
and i guess maybe that's just easier to do whilst living in a city known for its transient nature. i mean this is DC. the residents change with the political winds. no one is from here, and no one is here to stay. most of us didn't set our sights on the place, we're all just here because we somehow landed here. and we're all just waiting for the right exit door to open, whatever it may be and wherever it may lead.
thing is, there's a lot of time to reflect when you're in a temporary place. i've spent the past few months thinking about where i've been, what i've done with this extraordinary life i've lead with a passion often times more reckless than not, and what it is i truly want next. i made it easy on myself by creating a bucket list a few years back, and these past weeks and months i've oft peered it over with a mind more open that i've allowed much these past few years. my focus is clearing, and i'm sharpening the red pencil i'm set to take to my bucket list this year.
i want to go home. and it's time.
there's this song on a playlist my love made for me that's kinda feeling like my theme song of now. the lyrics tell my story, "another airplane, another place, i'm lucky, but i wanna go home... i feel like i'm living someone else's life... surrounded by a million people, i still feel all alone."
that's me.
it's not that i don't love my life or washington, or that i can't revel in my own bravery for starting over on another coast at my age. it's just that being here makes it all clear. being here makes it truly clear for me that a life alone will be a lonely one. i don't want to be a lone adventurer our there saving the world from all its woes. i want a rich life, full of love and laughter. and i want to go home to my love, and share a life with him, happily ever after.
but first i'm taking a little trip to sip turkish coffee in the shadow of the hagia sophia, after which i'm gonna spend 22 hours roaming the streets of my beloved paris...
~k
04 June 2010
foreign service paused
i didn't make it to the next stage. and while on the one hand, that shit stings. on the other, i'm relieved. i mean, honestly, don't i have enough going on?
in the grand scheme of things, i was dreading the thought of having to prepare for the most insane interview of my life whilst starting a new life and a new job in a new city. i can start the foreign service rigamarole over again in a year, by taking the written test again. my plan now is to try again next march. but i'm not opposed to something else coming along and steering me elsewhere.
right now, i want to focus on starting a new life. i want to revel in all its joys and woes. i want to be open to whatever happens or doesn't happen. and going into a new life with no written plan means i surrender to what will be.
~k
in the grand scheme of things, i was dreading the thought of having to prepare for the most insane interview of my life whilst starting a new life and a new job in a new city. i can start the foreign service rigamarole over again in a year, by taking the written test again. my plan now is to try again next march. but i'm not opposed to something else coming along and steering me elsewhere.
right now, i want to focus on starting a new life. i want to revel in all its joys and woes. i want to be open to whatever happens or doesn't happen. and going into a new life with no written plan means i surrender to what will be.
~k
19 May 2010
the bittersweet taste of beginnings
i'm back from my interviews on the other coast, and whilst nothing is yet written in stone (and until the stone tablet hits my desk, details here will remain murky), i'm about 90% certain that i walked out of LAX for the last time today.
i look all around me, and see a part of my life coming to a close. i'm done here. i no longer belong in los angeles or to los angeles. our interests, hopes, and dreams are no longer sympatico. my friends know it. my family knows it. i know it. and fortunately for miss scarlet and me, we're moving to a city much more dog friendly than this, and into an apartment that will cost nearly double what we're paying now (fer reals- YIKES!).
so, knowing as i do that it's time for me to close the book on this chapter in my life doesn't make it any less sad, scary, or stressful. i'll be starting over. in a new city, in a new job, with new friends, a new nightlife, a new day life, a new home, a new neighborhood, a new everything. and as much as i look forward to the exciting days ahead of me, i fear for my safety, security, and serenity. i fear losing how safe, secure and serene i feel on these music box steps. and i fear the great unknown in my very near future.
it's a taste in my mouth that's both bitter and sweet. it's knowing how sweet it is that i have a new adventure ahead of me, and how bitter it tastes to leave behind so much that i know and love...
but it is what it is and i know i am ready for something new...
~k
i look all around me, and see a part of my life coming to a close. i'm done here. i no longer belong in los angeles or to los angeles. our interests, hopes, and dreams are no longer sympatico. my friends know it. my family knows it. i know it. and fortunately for miss scarlet and me, we're moving to a city much more dog friendly than this, and into an apartment that will cost nearly double what we're paying now (fer reals- YIKES!).
so, knowing as i do that it's time for me to close the book on this chapter in my life doesn't make it any less sad, scary, or stressful. i'll be starting over. in a new city, in a new job, with new friends, a new nightlife, a new day life, a new home, a new neighborhood, a new everything. and as much as i look forward to the exciting days ahead of me, i fear for my safety, security, and serenity. i fear losing how safe, secure and serene i feel on these music box steps. and i fear the great unknown in my very near future.
it's a taste in my mouth that's both bitter and sweet. it's knowing how sweet it is that i have a new adventure ahead of me, and how bitter it tastes to leave behind so much that i know and love...
but it is what it is and i know i am ready for something new...
~k
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