the simultaneous seven

stages of grief, that is...

so, i'm equal parts pissed off and hurting. and i'm so sick and tired of being told how amazing and wonderful i am, but... i don't get that. but what?

the latest version of the story is, "i love you, i want to be in a relationship with you, but i can't. oh, and will you come spend the holidays with me and my family in the midwest?" i don't even understand what that means. you want to be in a relationship, but you can't (sidebar, i never asked for a relationship, but assumed we were moving slowly in that direction (i also never mentioned anything remotely related to a timeline or being in some kind of hurry)). and you can't be in a relationship, but you want me to spend the holidays with your family in another state? you want to further complicate the incomprehensible status of our relationship by involving your family? are you kidding me?

i also don't understand why all of these selfish fucking pricks out there think they can rip our hearts out of our chests and then act completely dumbfounded when we don't want to be friends. yeah, that's what i want to do. i want to be broken up with, suffer through the pangs of the loss of a lover, and then continue to try to be your friend, only to watch you move on to another woman, while asking myself what she's got that i don't. no, i don't want to be your friend. are you high?

shock. i went into this with the impression that we were both looking for something serious. and i didn't imagine that conversation. we had it. at the beginning, before things got even remotely intense.

the other night when i reminded him that i didn't just wake up one day and start asking for things that weren't on the table, he said, "i was looking for something serious. i do want something serious."

to which i responded, "just not with me?"

"yes, with you," he said.

what? you want to be in a serious relationship. you want it to be with me. and we're breaking up. am i missing something?

denial. in my book, denial ties in very closely to the shock and disbelief stage. he can't possibly be serious, right? he can't possibly want to spend the rest of his life in the same trench my ex-husband now occupies, kicking himself in the ass for letting me get away (or in the case of my ex husband, pushing me away with a 2-ton bulldozer, and then doing too little too late to try to get me to come back). he can't possibly tell me he loves me in one breath, but can't be with me in the next. he can't possibly expect me to find any comfort in the words, "you're amazing and i know i'll never find anyone i will have as much fun with as i do you". all that does is make no sense whatsoever. why would you want to stop seeing the person you have more fun with than you've ever had, especially if love is part of the package?

bargaining. not happening. i'm not going to sacrifice any of my integrity, happiness, or self-respect just to have a moment of his attention or affections. fuck that.

angry? yeah, you betcha.

depression. i hurt and lotsa willful tears have escaped my stubborn ducts. he kinda broke my heart. i tried so hard not to even give him access, yet he wiggled his way in, and once there, couldn't take the heat. it got time to jump off the cliff, and it appears as though i'm standing here alone. when i turn around to see how far he's run in the other direction, i no longer even see the dot on the horizon that was the man standing next to me just five minutes ago.

acceptance. do i have a choice?

and hope. that's what i do. i have more love and more hope in this tiny little body than my entire neighborhood could hold in its lake. i do believe that all the wonderful we were is nothing compared to the wonderful that awaits. and if i fell in love, i can do it again, and next time it hopefully won't be with a coward.

~k

contemplating "self interest rightly understood"

a child of the french revolution, alexis de tocqueville believed that democracy in america worked because local liberty encouraged individuals to be involved, to associate with one another to define, address, and deal with their collective needs and aspirations. it worked because self interests were realized by making the community a better place. sadly, however, we have seen this philosophy run amuck the past eight years, by and for an administration so mired in their own egocentric philosophies, that the country, the world, and the individuals who fell prey to its promises of wealth, have let the can turn to shit.

though things will undoubtedly get worse before they can get better, I’m a hopeless believer that enlightenment is just around the next bend. I mean, that’s why obama won. it was the community organizing, the belief that “yes we can” make the country better that riled up a nation, that got us knocking on doors and making phone calls, to elect a new direction for our country and ourselves. it was that collective we that came together to restore the ideals that made american democracy the envy of the world in the first place, as opposed to the symbol of greed, hatred, and imperialism that has terrorized us since 2001.

this morning, while I was reading joseph stiglitz’s article, “capitalist fools” in the latest issue of vanity fair, (http://www.vanityfair.com/magazine/2009/01/stiglitz200901?currentPage=1), it sorta dawned on me that it was enlightened self interest that won the campaign, and will turn the country around. to quote the author, "The truth is most of the individual mistakes [in the recent history that brought about the demise of the american economy] boil down to just one: a belief that markets are self-adjusting and that the role of government should be minimal... The embrace by America—and much of the rest of the world—of this flawed economic philosophy made it inevitable that we would eventually arrive at the place we are today."

markets aren't self-adjusting, not when the factors that impact the fluidity of the market are in the control of individuals. and in the case at hand, the individuals controlling the factors that've impacted the fluidity of the market have been motivated by greed (and not just greed, but disgustingly blind-sided eregious greed). we let individualism without bounds rule the roost without any regulation or oversight, simply believing that the markets would self-adjust, and the only thing that adjusted was the safety of our money in the banks, and the discrepancy in income between the poorest and wealthiest in this country.

choices weren't made within the ideologies central to the american philosophy of democracy, that enlightened self-interest would lead individuals to further the interests of the group. instead, we empowered the egoists to destroy the america we were, for the sake of a few bucks. that's over, and a new america has spoken. the old america, the real america, the america that inspired a world to believe in freedom. we're taking it back, and we're going to watch over, regulate, and influence with a self interest rightly understood...

~k

one whirlwind week

if i could sum up my life in one word, it would be "magical". there are a lot of reasons for this, but i think primarily it's because i've been blessed with a kick ass pair of permanent rose-colored glasses.

yeah, shitty stuff happens. i hit big snags in relationships (not sure why the boys seem to be so scared of me and my ginormous heart). i have trouble getting along with people who have a different political philosophy (sorry, dad). my rent is too high for a place without parking (but worth every penny). i'm worth more dead than i am alive. my family lives way too far away, and when i go visit them i spend half the flight home bawling my eyes out. i walk with a cane and sometimes it sucks (most of the time it sucks). it costs me almost $400 to replace a tire on my car (something i feel i have to do far more often than seems reasonable). i can't wear sexy, strappy, 4" shoes, and sometimes that bums the shit outta me. i don't yet have a ticket for obama's inaugural speech (but i'll be there anyway). sometimes i think i'm in over my head at the day job, i'm responsible for way more than i should be, and i have to go to three office holiday parties, in three cities, in one week. traffic pisses me off. being disappointed by my friends weighs heavily in my heart. and i'm 34, single, childless, and don't see that changing anytime soon.

thank god i'm hot!

all joking aside, i really do suffer the same woes of any one who lives a life. there are days i'm sad, lonely, feel sorry for myself, and want to crawl into a hole and die. there are days i pick up the newspaper and wonder if things are ever going to get better. and don't tell anyone, but some days i wonder if those nutbag christian folks are right and the world is going to end any day now.

but then i have weeks like i've had this week (and it's only wednesday), and i remember why it is that i can sum up my life in that one "magical" word.

on monday, i got a call from obama (not personally, but someone on the team). i have to pick one position that i want, out of the 3,300 listed in the plum book, write the best cover letter of my entire life, attach my resume and a list of the reasons i'm the right gal for the gig, and someone who has been asked to make 36 recommendations is going to recommend me for the appointee position of my choice. this doesn't mean i'll get the position i've chosen as my number one (in case you're wondering, it's _special assistant to the president for presidential personnel_), but it does mean that someone high up in the obama team thinks highly enough of me and my contributions that i'm one of their 36.

on tuesday, i got a call from the director of a fellowship program to which i applied. we scheduled an interview for today.

today i found out i'm a finalist for that fellowship. i also found out this was the year of the most number and most amazingly qualified of applicants. and i'm a finalist. and she is going to recommend to the board that i get the los angeles fellowship (http://www.trumanproject.org/programs/fellowship). it doesn't mean i'll get it. but it does mean that in a year when the number of applicants was highest and the calibre of applicants astounding, i'm a finalist.

i guess (and not that i ever really doubted it) that the sum of all things in my life is that hard work and believing in myself pays off. it's nice for me to wake up every day and think i'm awesome, it's even better when my friends and family (and boys breaking up with me) tell me how wonderful and amazing i am, but it's even better when my awesomeness is recognized on a much grander scale than my own delusions of grandeur. and that's what's happened this week.

it reinforces my belief that anything is possible, and tightens the screws on those rose-colored glasses i refuse to stop wearing. and if i don't get the obama job, yay, i don't have to pack up my life and move to the east coast. if i don't get the fellowship, i can reapply next year. either way or not at all, i already have an incredible life i wouldn't trade in for a dump truck full of gold bricks. a life that's, in a word, magical...

~k