29 August 2010

en transiency

when i learned i was moving to washington, i promised myself to roll with whatever life had in store for me. no more fighting, searching, longing. i was just going to be. i mean, it's not just that we never know what is in store for us. it's that if we're so focused on the search, we miss what is, and i wanted to stop and smell the flowers for a while.

and i guess maybe that's just easier to do whilst living in a city known for its transient nature. i mean this is DC. the residents change with the political winds. no one is from here, and no one is here to stay. most of us didn't set our sights on the place, we're all just here because we somehow landed here. and we're all just waiting for the right exit door to open, whatever it may be and wherever it may lead.

thing is, there's a lot of time to reflect when you're in a temporary place. i've spent the past few months thinking about where i've been, what i've done with this extraordinary life i've lead with a passion often times more reckless than not, and what it is i truly want next. i made it easy on myself by creating a bucket list a few years back, and these past weeks and months i've oft peered it over with a mind more open that i've allowed much these past few years. my focus is clearing, and i'm sharpening the red pencil i'm set to take to my bucket list this year.

i want to go home. and it's time.

there's this song on a playlist my love made for me that's kinda feeling like my theme song of now. the lyrics tell my story, "another airplane, another place, i'm lucky, but i wanna go home... i feel like i'm living someone else's life... surrounded by a million people, i still feel all alone."

that's me.

it's not that i don't love my life or washington, or that i can't revel in my own bravery for starting over on another coast at my age. it's just that being here makes it all clear. being here makes it truly clear for me that a life alone will be a lonely one. i don't want to be a lone adventurer our there saving the world from all its woes. i want a rich life, full of love and laughter. and i want to go home to my love, and share a life with him, happily ever after.

but first i'm taking a little trip to sip turkish coffee in the shadow of the hagia sophia, after which i'm gonna spend 22 hours roaming the streets of my beloved paris...