the wild and winding road

holy crap! i haven't been on here in almost three months! i've thought lots about it, even came close to logging in a time or two, but there's so much to say, it's like...where to start...so i don't even bother.

i'm having a baby in a couple of weeks, feeling pretty good about it, feeling pretty good generally, and today i got this photo:
.

wow. it says a lot. about how happy i am. about how happy we are. and about how hot we are - even when my ass is the size of a mack truck. been some rough times, that's fer sure. but now that everything has settled into place, it's almost weird. sometimes i fer reals have to pinch myself because i can't believe this is my life. and more than that, i can't believe how much i love it. except for winter. i really fucking hate winter.

turns out, i'm getting my april with cherry blossoms in a different, even better package, and i'm thinking it works best to throw caution to the wind when making wishes.

~k

*in*

my furniture came today. it got picked up on the 17th of june and arrived today. odd start to my morning, with an oil spill having closed my street, my dog rolling around in the sand that DDOT threw down to soak up the goo, and a wee-morning trip to the vet (dudes, my vet is two blocks from here. TWO BLOCKS!) before the movers arrived with my boxes of life.

my vet surprised me. he is younger than me, has removed those giant rings that stretch out the bottoms of ear lobes of former punkers, and was wearing a backwards baseball cap (i didn't catch the team) with shorts and a t-shirt. (incidentally, this is the DC i've been looking for!) he dug my dog (extolling the all-too-familiar "i usually don't like small dogs, but yours..."), explained the swampy impact of DC on pets with just the right hint of snark, and pulled up his facebook page to introduce me to his dog. in a word, my vet _rocks_!

came back to meet the movers. my firm went balls to the wall on this move. it's made a very complicated (see quick) move so much easier. but it's still moving. and moving fucking sucks. i've spent the entire day unpacking, organizing, getting my 1,000 square foot apartment into 650 square feet.

and it looks _uh_may_zing_!

i'm not done. there are still boxes a plenty, pile up on pile of , "what the fuck do i do with this?", pictures left unhung, coffee cups without a place, and more shit than i'm sure i've got space for. but the place looks great. my things look fabulous in here, and whilst we're a few days shy of _home_, we're most of the way there. and i couldn't have done it without sonya like lasagna and her beau derek.

it. all. makes. me. so. happy.

the journey into my new life is rocking: new city, new job, new home, new boyfriend. and for the first time in a really long time, it all feels right.

~k

my new town

i've moved to a swamp with overpriced and undersized housing. with traffic worse than LA's, douchebaggery galore, people who overdress for everything, and intellectual snobbery i cannot even describe (yet). and haysoos is it hot, sticky, and uncomfortable!

but i have never been any place (save perhaps paris) that feels more like my town. i love it here. i love walking the streets alone, knowing where i am and where i'm going, mastering the metro, savoring the smells, snarking off to taxi drivers, and feeling the vibrant energy at every corner. this city is so alive, so full of enthusiasm, and so welcoming and embracing of all that's new and old.

i love DC. i love it in places and in ways i could never've loved LA. i love how small it is, how easy it is to maneuver, how useless a car would be here, how much this place loves dogs, and how much i know miss scarlet will love it here. i love that no one is from here, and no one plans to stay (myself included), but that everyone embraces the transient nature of the place, loves it whilst here, and loves to leave her in the end.

though this isn't my end all be all town, it's my home for now, my stepping stone for what lies ahead, and there's no place i'd rather be right now (even if trying to find a place to live is the bane of my week and my greatest weekend fear). i have no idea what's next, am making no plans, and am rolling with whatever DC has to offer, whenever she's ready to make the offer.

though our time together will most certainly be short, and whatever her surprises are welcome, DC and i are going to love and be loved, like no girl and her city ever has...

~k

wishes

i firmly believe it is our hopes and dreams that make us who we are, and not just in the abstract, but in the choices we make and the actions we take every day in furtherance of our own personal ideal. i am a dreamer. i dream big and hope even bigger. i jump off crazy steep cliffs, and whilst i smack face first into a stone wall as often as i land on both feet, i never stop believing in my dreams. i never lose hope.

i've long known los angeles and i would be parting ways this year. i mean, how many times have i said that 2010 is my year to bounce? i've mulled over a hundred different scenarios, have made choices and taken steps in a number of directions. impatiently. impulsively. quixotically. unregrettably.

i've been collecting boxes all year, scoping out apartments in this city and that, discarding from my life those things and people that don't belong, preparing my mind, body, and spirit for my new beginning. inviting miss scarlet into my life and adjusting to how much she's changed my life, and how much better life is with her.

and while it's certainly possible that i'm no more ready now than i've thought myself all year, something really does feel different this time. it feels like the stars are lining up just right for the exit i've long sought. and even if the stars aren't quite lined up, even if i come back next week disillusioned after my interview, i'll keep on hoping and dreaming for the time it will all be right...

~k

disaster preparedness

in spite it being 6pm on a monday (see HELL), i knocked trader joe's off my to-do list.

earthquake yesterday, rain today, a girl's gotta be prepared for whatever calamity may befall tomorrow, and i figured i best have something more in my pantry than my last package of ramen noodles. i mean, seriously.

then i added a coupla things to that list. for starters, i really need to hit up goodwill (i have this thing about getting rid of things (e.g. clothes, books) when i bring new things into the house, it keeps my space lighter, and me more comfortable, but that shit piles up fast!).

and i'm thinking it's about time to dig in and finish novel #2. summer project.

i'm feeling it, the story, my girl, the era, egypt's stirring in my soul again. knowing it's gonna be a year or two before i'm going to have to pack my life into boxes for destination unknown means now's the time. and i want to write so badly, i look for thoughts to chase my typing fingers, i'd be a fool not to use this burst of inspiration to tell a great story...

i'm thinking that just might be what the boss calls "the rising".

~k

foreign service

this post is akin to a drunk text, one of those i might wish i never would've hit "publish", but to hell with it...

i've always believed i'm meant to change the world. whether it be delusions of grandeur or perchance a curse, it's been one of the biggest driving forces of my life. i chose law school, eons ago, because i believed it the path of least resistance toward that end. it wasn't. or maybe it was. i dunno.

but i do know that wednesday brought the news that i passed the foreign service exam. and that less than 30% of takers pass it. that most of the people i personally know who've taken it are as happy for me as they are jealous that i passed it and they didn't. and i feel like it's right.

when i turned down the afhanistan job, it was because it wasn't right. the timing wasn't right. it didn't feel right. and paris guy was newly in the picture...

but now it's different. it's all different. i think about my bucket list, and how it all fits: a year with no address, six months in paris, sipping turkish coffee in the shadow of the hagia sofia. it's like i've always known, without knowing, that mine's a life meant to live without roots. that as much as i love my country and will eternally belong to the USA, i belong really to the world. that i'm here to make the world a better place by bringing what's best about america to the rest of the world. and i want to go wherever they want to send me. i don't care the where, not even a little bit. i just want to go. and be.

and the best part about it is simply knowing. i've been so bloody stressed these past few months, probably because i've felt change in my life happening without knowing where it's going, and where i really wanted it to go (afghanistan? washington, dc? denver? politics? government? more big law?) i know i want to represent my country abroad. and though i'm not yet there, as i have three more hurdles to jump, i know it's what i want. more than anything.

foreign service offers the adventure of a lifetime. all the better that it comes with opportunities abound to make a real difference in the world.

~k

ready to bounce

i walked out of the foreign service officer exam today, came back to the music box steps, and it hit me that i'm ready to go.

the test was. well. interesting? the general knowledge multiple choice is impossible. that shit, you either know or you don't. and sadly, i'm not sure i knew much.

the second section was about me, the types of tasks i've handled, the skills i've developed throughout my career, how i manage my time and handle my stress, and how well i work with people. how well i get on with folks from widely varying backgrounds. and just how much professional ass i can kick, generally.

followed by grammar. check.

and an essay.

once back on the music box steps, i realized i'm being considered for what is in every possible way, my dream job. i could make this into a major opportunity. by being a committed political and communications guru, on top of managing the members and planning conferences, i can help the organization grow. and that is awesome! and i will kick ass, because i believe in the work it's doing. and would be honored to be a part of it.

so, if i get the offer, and i can take it, i'm ready to pack. and just like everything else lately that makes so much sense it doesn't, being ready to bounce off these steps snapped in an instant.

~k

p.s. maybe that dream's not about freddy krueger after all. thinking back, i always did foresee a 2010 spring with cherry blossoms...

vietnamese fortune

i think i've mentioned before that i think it's fucked up that my favorite vietnamese cafe ends the meal with a fortune cookie? regardless of the cultural fuckuppery, i still read the thing every time, and heed its word. tonight's read, "look for the dream that keeps coming back. it is your destiny."

interesting. especially since the recent fortune cookies have had bullshit fortunes. crap like, "you're pretty" or "stupid is as stupid does". but today's, and after a day that marked itself with a stamp of insanity of epic proportion...

the fun factory is spinning nuts right now. family drama is in some alternate universe that i'm trying to get my arms around. i'm head over tits for someone in another time zone, wondering how that's all going to shake out. and i kinda got an unofficial, interest-checking kind of job offerish today. and we're talking dream job territory here. one that'll work really well wherever i want to be (geographically), so long as i make it work.

if only it were that simple. sigh.

no matter what happens with any of the above, all of this craziness, the stress and wonder, is really an amazing testament to my faith in karma. i have shamelessly asked from the universe, and have given back in kind with love, positivism, optimism, and hope. and it lets me write my own ticket.

if only i knew which one to write. and if only freddy krueger wasn't the key player in the only dream that keeps coming back, maybe i'd know my destiny...

~k

breaking stuff

when i walked away from my marriage a few years back, i left with only my clothes, books, a few things from the kitchen, and a coupla knick knacks.

tonight i broke one of my four plates. and all i could think about was how it's one less thing i'll have to pack...

~k

support

dear friends - that you stand by me, support me, and believe in me - even when my own doubts make me question how much i believe in me, is the reason (and with you the reasons) i live as beautifully as i do. and that i have such faith in goodness. thank you. my love is yours eternal.

~k

the indestructible part

caution: this post is not for the weak at heart.

my next door neighbor, we'll call him "schneider" (cuz he's my mr. fix it, and lucky for me (and him) that the only its he can fix are the sort i have) has been gone for_ever_, so sometimes i visit his facebook page to poke around and see what he's up to. a while back, i found this quote on his page, 'only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us'. (btw, i know that the period technically belongs inside the quote (which should probably look like this, "), but it's illogical, and i therefore refuse to follow that dumb rule).

and i've been on pause ever since.

i've been flaking on plans because i can barely fight my need for intensely quiet solitude. i go to work, and i _work_. then i go home to absorb thousands of pages of books, newspapers, wikipedia. and i think. sometimes to music, sometimes on my reformer, and sometimes just sitting in a silence interrupted only by the faint sounds of the city at the bottom of the hill, passerbys on the music box steps, and the creatures of nature stirring about these hills (including this one fucking woodpecker outside my window, 'peck', 'peck', 'peck'ing away at the ass crack of dawn every single day that makes me wish i had a bb gun).

where i've been, where i am, where i'm going, what i'm doing, what i'm meant to be doing. how it all goes together. and how i've been through hell, not just in the crash and living with that scar, but in love and in living with that scar. and i wonder, what if i haven't quite found what's indestructible in me? what if there's worse yet to come? i mean, tough me plays it off as though i got this. but real me. real me is a big pussy, just like all the other democrats, and real me wonders if it's worth it to take the chance (oh, and real me is pretty awesome at avoiding ever getting to that bridge).

there is absolutely not one single part of me that believes the rest of my life will be anything less than extraordinary. i am here to make the world a better place, and i am and will have an amazing time figuring out how and doing just that. but it doesn't mean i don't have doubts about things, feel frustrated with the pace of change, or sometimes feel lonely, or wish that there was a little less uncertainty in my next year.

it's not all peaches and cream to be so open and ready to surrender to whatever life has next in store for me. cuz it ain't happening so fast. and i am doing my best to be patient, keep my faith, be more accepting of real me, and enjoy this journey, but it's hard. i'm anxious, i'm ready, and i feel like i'm spinning my wheels in limbo, when there is such greatness stirring about me and within me. it's just hard sometimes.

but i know that '[s]he that can have patience, can have what [s]he will', and it does help me keep the faith.

~k