06 February 2010

the curse of vanity

there once was a day i wondered if anyone would ever want to date me. fer reals.

i mean, yeah, sure, i'm smart, i care, i'm pretty, interesting, worldly, adventurous, snarky. and i'd even go so far as to fancy myself 'funny," and in a witty kinda way to boot. but i walk with a cane, i have braces on both my legs, and sometimes my physical and fashion limitations are really fucking annoying.

and not just for you.

i'm a silver lining kinda girl, so i see what's awesome about me first. and i am well aware of the benefits that come with being gimpy. i get great parking, don't have to wait in lines, didn't have to pay as much for college or law school, and i even make it onto those diversity check boxes in the employment line.

and believe me, i shamelessly take advantage of all of the above benefits, because if you, for one fucking hour of your life, had to spend time in my shoes, you too would agree that i deserve the advantages society offers me for having to put up with the bullshit i do every day.

sometimes i feel compelled to put this out there (i mean, it's been almost 20 years i've had to live with this), because so many of the people in my life don't see me as truly challenged as i am. and while that in itself is a blessing for which the english language is too limited to express, it's also not. because, while we all face challenges every single day of our lives that complicate the wonderful, get in the way of the fun, and demand sacrifice that otherwise wouldn't exist, mine probably sucks more than yours.

and sometimes i want to remind you.

check. sometimes i _need_ to remind you.


04 February 2010


paris guy left this morning. and i already miss him. terribly.

it's kinda crazy this thing we've got. three months ago, i woulda (and probably did) swear that by the end of this year i'd be in afghanistan or washington, dc. and here i am, two months and a few days after parting ways with him for the first time, missing someone (and i'm talking agony here) i didn't even know on my last birthday.

and somehow, in some unexplainable way, he's managed to become so much to me, mean so much to me, be such a huge part of my life, and in such a short amount of time. as much as so many people want me to try to make sense of things, to make them feel better about the 180 this has flipped the direction of my life, i can't. it doesn't make sense. but it doesn't mean i don't know it's right. and for all the right reasons.

and ya know what? maybe it won't work out. maybe in a few months, we'll look at each other and ask ourselves 'what the fuck was i thinking?'. but for now, i'm not going to think about that. i'm not going to think about trying to make sense of things that cannot make sense. and i'm not going to worry about things that other people think i should worry about. because this is my life, and after everything i've been through the past few years, i deserve the happiness i feel when i'm with him.

the end.