fishies and their ponds

i've been thinking a lot about why my tour de DC has been such a failure, and though there are many contributing factors, i think i've concluded that, in a grander scheme of things, i'd rather be a big fish in a small pond than the other way around.

i loved being in politics in california. it felt like there weren't that many of us, and our opportunities to reach into the hearts and minds of people kept bringing us all back together. i loved that sense of community i shared with my fellow organizers, and the feeling that i was making a difference. it was my life in a small pond.

DC, on the other hand, is an ocean of world changers, each bringing individual talents, interests, knowledge, and passion for something. there's someone here passionate about every imaginable issue. but my passion doesn't feel so inspired here. i've never been able to take that first step into the fray here, and i don't think it's because i 've been afraid, i think it's because i just didn't want it. i didn't want it to consume my whole life. it's just too big here.

and that stuff (politics, foreign policy, the truman project, current events) matters to me a lot. it defines a large part of who i am, and it troubles me that i've watched it all lose its verve the past seven months. sorta makes me feel like i'm not being me anymore. and i like me way too much (as we all know) to stop being passionate about things that matter to me.

by learning this about myself, it doesn't seem so much a failure anymore. more like a lesson in where i belong. making my waves in a small pond.

~k

ritualism

i think i've mentioned that i'm moving, but i don't know that i've mentioned that i'm moving beyond the reach of the ny times.

i didn't know this, of course, until yesterday. i was calling around to update my address (i always like to start with those publication-types as it takes them a few weeks to get the change in the system), and i was informed by the ny times that they don't deliver to my new address. and whilst that might not seem like much more than a minor inconvenience in the grand scheme of things, i started bawling.

it might be easy to blame the breakdown on all the craziness i've been through the past coupla weeks, that maybe i just needed a straw to break the tear dam, but i think it's more than that. since i've been on my own, the ny times has been on my stoop every sunday morning, whether rain or shine, los angeles or washington, here or there or anywhere. i look the whole week forward to my sunday mornings with my coffee, meet the press, and my ny times.

i love the way the paper smells, the way i feel pulling it apart and lining up the sections in the order i'll read (starting _always_ with the 'week in review'), the smudges it leaves on my hands, and that distinct weight, shape, and feel of the ny times. i have even grown fond of battling the damn thing when it won't turn pages as i'd like.

and even though i don't always get through the whole paper, there's just something about that piece of my sunday morning ritual i'm not ready to let go of.

~k

p.s. my fiance hasn't given up. and neither have i.

unemployment

i've now been unemployed for a week. and it really doesn't suck. except for the part where there's almost too much to do.

every day, i work out for an hour, piddle around doing personal stuff (like paying bills, updating my address, dealing with filing unemployment (not the easiest feat for a girl who spent the halves of last year in different "states"), getting ready to move), and i study for the GRE. all of which takes up the entirety of my work day, followed by a typical evening in the life of...

i just don't know how i got it all done while also working.

~k

ringing it in with dynamite

i started the first week of the new year getting engaged and ended it getting fired.

setting aside the melodrama, getting fired - whilst not a pleasant experience, really was the best thing that could have happened to me right now.

my fiance is in st louis starting our life without me. and i want to be with him. i thought i was trapped in DC (and we all know how happy i've been here) till my lease ended in june, or until i was able to save enough money that it wouldn't matter. but we were looking at being apart for months more whilst i continued fighting my district blues.

until the general and his side-kick came into my office this thursday past, to tell me "today is your last day at [anonymous former employer]". i was stunned. not quite speechless, i struggled to squeak out a "why?". they said they just didn't see a long term fit with me. and whilst the word "duh" did spring to mind, my poor little ego crashed to the floor. like, i can't believe they broke up with me. first. even though i've long known i was going to resign by spring anyway, it didn't take any of the sting out of the rejection.

but it's been a few days. so i'm past the shock, i think my ego will get away with only minor bruising, and in looking forward, i'm peering into the most amazing year of my life. i get to get out of DC, i get to go be with my love every day, and i finally get to have the life i want. i want to write more, love more, and focus more on things that matter while building something wonderful with the man of my dreams.

when the year started and he asked me to marry him, i was so happy i tried not to think about how much it was going to suck to spend the next several months without him, planning our wedding from afar, and watching him build our home via texted pictures. when the week ended, it meant our wait would instead be days. kinda proves that a miracle wrapped in shit is still a miracle.

~k