06 March 2010

my dear evansville

back in 2008, i spent a coupla months in my homeland, working on the campaign that changed the trajectory of my life. and whilst it was definitely the campaign that ignited my belief that the world is changing for the better, kicked hope into high gear, and set me off in the right direction, it was evansville that captured my heart.

i met the world's most amazing people in that town. and that i'm from there is proof that i really am as awesome as i think i am. those people, along with the love they found in one another and in community, and then shared with us (the campaign staff) freely, restored my faith in humanity.

i think about them all the time. some of the things they said to me still ring in my ears and keep me focused, balanced, and moving forward (even when it's really hard). i will never forget how much they love gave me. and i sure hope they know my love for them is as strong today is it was the day i followed kbd-l to south dakota.


05 March 2010

ready to bounce

i walked out of the foreign service officer exam today, came back to the music box steps, and it hit me that i'm ready to go.

the test was. well. interesting? the general knowledge multiple choice is impossible. that shit, you either know or you don't. and sadly, i'm not sure i knew much.

the second section was about me, the types of tasks i've handled, the skills i've developed throughout my career, how i manage my time and handle my stress, and how well i work with people. how well i get on with folks from widely varying backgrounds. and just how much professional ass i can kick, generally.

followed by grammar. check.

and an essay.

once back on the music box steps, i realized i'm being considered for what is in every possible way, my dream job. i could make this into a major opportunity. by being a committed political and communications guru, on top of managing the members and planning conferences, i can help the organization grow. and that is awesome! and i will kick ass, because i believe in the work it's doing. and would be honored to be a part of it.

so, if i get the offer, and i can take it, i'm ready to pack. and just like everything else lately that makes so much sense it doesn't, being ready to bounce off these steps snapped in an instant.


p.s. maybe that dream's not about freddy krueger after all. thinking back, i always did foresee a 2010 spring with cherry blossoms...

04 March 2010

vietnamese fortune

i think i've mentioned before that i think it's fucked up that my favorite vietnamese cafe ends the meal with a fortune cookie? regardless of the cultural fuckuppery, i still read the thing every time, and heed its word. tonight's read, "look for the dream that keeps coming back. it is your destiny."

interesting. especially since the recent fortune cookies have had bullshit fortunes. crap like, "you're pretty" or "stupid is as stupid does". but today's, and after a day that marked itself with a stamp of insanity of epic proportion...

the fun factory is spinning nuts right now. family drama is in some alternate universe that i'm trying to get my arms around. i'm head over tits for someone in another time zone, wondering how that's all going to shake out. and i kinda got an unofficial, interest-checking kind of job offerish today. and we're talking dream job territory here. one that'll work really well wherever i want to be (geographically), so long as i make it work.

if only it were that simple. sigh.

no matter what happens with any of the above, all of this craziness, the stress and wonder, is really an amazing testament to my faith in karma. i have shamelessly asked from the universe, and have given back in kind with love, positivism, optimism, and hope. and it lets me write my own ticket.

if only i knew which one to write. and if only freddy krueger wasn't the key player in the only dream that keeps coming back, maybe i'd know my destiny...


02 March 2010

wales, wishes, and woe

i don't want to start this post with woe, but it's all i feel right now. after a magical granting of paris guy's wish sunday night, and a canceled flight gave us a bonus day together, i should still be feeling as overjoyed as i was when i found out i wasn't getting out of denver till today.

but i miss him so much, i can't focus on anything else. on how amazing our weekend was, how much fun we had on his turf, how awesome it was getting in his way whilst he was cooking, playing and cuddling with his dog, hanging out on his couch, listening to his music, watching his favorite movie, and being in his beautiful space (and i wish my words were capable of expressing how beautiful he is, in mind, body, and spirit (and do i really need to tell you how much i love his snarky side?)).

and it's not that i don't remember or i'm not trying to focus on everything wonderful this weekend, it's just that i feel this empty space, this lonely place in the center of me, some part that now belongs to him that just burns when he's not here or i'm not there. and i can't believe how much his absence hurts my heart.

my only solace is in knowing he feels the same agony. and that makes me feel even worse because what kind of an asshole wants someone she cares so deeply for to feel something so extraordinarily painful?