27 December 2008

my great unanswered

so, i meant to use this weekend to finish my novel. and here i am contemplating the great question of my moment…

part of me can’t even believe i’m putting this into my blog where all two of you are going to see what i’m thinking. but as sonya would tell me, ‘we win big and lose big, but always go big’ so i’m just gonna close my eyes and jump big with the hopes that even if you can’t help me, i can listen to myself for a minute and see what it is i am really trying to see.

is it better to be alone or is it better to share life with someone else?

on the one hand, this is a no brainer. like, who wants to spend their entire life alone, right? that way i answer the question with another question with no answer. the thing is, i’ve been living alone (mostly) for almost three years, and i kinda dig it. i like that i’m spending most of this weekend locked away in solitude. i like that in solitude is where i’ve sorta spent this entire past year, which, incidentally, has been the greatest of my life. yeah, i’ve been around lotsa people, in lotsa places, but i did it alone, and gave way to the circumstances to keep myself locked in solitude.

and even today, i like that the only sounds in my apartment are the heater working overtime (that is one noisy bastard, btw) and my fingers tapping the keyboard. i like that i eat what i want, that i drink too much without interference, that i can sit in my sweatpants all day, that i can keep myself safely tucked away from the woes of the world.

i’ve been so disappointed with love the past few years, have been so disappointed in myself for the choices i have and haven’t made, for the way i’ve let the emotions and words of others have such a profound impact on my being true (or not being true, as the case may have been) to myself. and i don’t know if i can really trust me enough to go back out there, give love a fair shot, and keep about me what i’ve grown to love so much this year.

and to be perfectly honest with me and both of you, i’m not 100% sure that i want to share my life. i have these moments where i _know_ i do, where i _know_ i have so much to give and want to share this crazy big heart of mine. and then i have these others, where i feel content with the way things are, with me on my own, and i like the way it feels to be succeeding in life all by myself. and i don’t know if the scared in me is looking for an excuse to “choose” to be alone as opposed to practicing my preachings and taking a real leap of faith, or if this is a serious question to seriously ponder.

i also can’t remember how much i liked sharing my life. i do know that i don’t remember ever being as happy as i am now. and i don’t know if that’s because i am alone, or if it's taken me this long to find the place where i can be happy enough to share. i just don’t know.

oh, and this is a good one to leave a comment if you have anything to share :)



  1. Kells! Sorry I'm late in reading this! Been traveling whatwith it being the holidays, etc...and my fam doesn't have reliable wifi, so I'm often resorting to my PDA (you know the drill) which is not so e-friendly as one might hope.

    I do appreciate that you have dedicated a blog entry to this. I have many times asked myself that question. Would I rather be with someone I'm not 100% jibing with but can tolerate at least half of the time OR would I rather be alone and just share moments of greatness and/or extreme highs with different people every now and again with these moments lasting a day, a few weeks, even a few years and as frequent or infrequent as I so please?

    I think that I'd rather have the latter. Yep, I said it: I'd actually rather forego planting roots and instead be completely selfish. If I am not selfish with my well being, then who will be? And who knows me (or thinks they know me) better than I do? Even if I make a mistake (which I think is intrinsically human).

    Should we uphold ourselves to some good old fashioned resolutions around this idea? What do you think?

  2. is it better to be alone or is it better to share life with someone else?

    Can't we start with an easier question? :)

    In some ways, I'm in a similar situation. A little background on myself... I've been married and divorced twice. The first one was close, but we were better roommates than we were spouses. The second one was... just a huge mistake. She was crazy (clinically), but I silenced my internal alarms. Most of my problems in relationships have stemmed from poor choices in woman on my part (I could give an hours long dissertation on the psychology of Kenny's romantic choices).

    I've been burned badly by love, but I can't give up on it. If I really had the choice, I think I would choose to share my life with someone. I REALLY like the freedom that being single provides me, don't get me wrong. I love that I don't have to clear any of my choices about activity, cuisine, or decorating with another person. I don't have to make any compromises. It's very freeing.

    However... the mornings would be a lot nicer if there was a loving woman there beside me when I wake up. It would be a lot easier to cook healthier more often because it's always easier to cook for two.

    I can't really be sure either way. Most likely my life will remain solitary unless I'm swept off my feet by a lovely woman. I keep my eyes open and I look around on dating sites now and then, but I'm not really "hunting" per se. One of the biggest tragedies of my situation is that there is a woman who is interested in me. On paper, she's great. Smart, funny, caring, madly in love with me, all my friends like her... the problem is that I'm just not in love with her. I've been in too many relationships where my love wasn't returned and I just can't do that to her. We tried dating for awhile, even tried it a second time. I was honest with her about my feelings both times. We've remained friends, although I think it's tough for her. Hopefully time will heal.

    So, that's where it sits. I'd love to find love, I'll be happy if not and it's possible I'll even be happier if not. The best I can do is to be happy with my current situation. I can choose to remain solitary and be happy. I can choose to be coupled and be happy. I can choose to be coupled and fail but still be happy. I think I'm rambling now. Not sure if that helps at all. :)

  3. I think I figured out what I'm trying to say. Is happy good enough or do you need to worry about happier?

  4. Hey, just for posterity's sake... that woman I mentioned who was great on paper? I took a chance and sincerely opened my heart and the love bloomed. All of my previous horrible experiences with women had made me extremely hesitant to let someone else into my heart. Even though I thought I was opening myself up to a relationship, I realized that I still had been keeping her at arm's length. I stopped that and let her in and we're going on 5 months and things are working VERY well. We've had some problems here and there and all of them have been handled and healed in a mature and loving fashion. Wish me luck!