the simultaneous seven

stages of grief, that is...

so, i'm equal parts pissed off and hurting. and i'm so sick and tired of being told how amazing and wonderful i am, but... i don't get that. but what?

the latest version of the story is, "i love you, i want to be in a relationship with you, but i can't. oh, and will you come spend the holidays with me and my family in the midwest?" i don't even understand what that means. you want to be in a relationship, but you can't (sidebar, i never asked for a relationship, but assumed we were moving slowly in that direction (i also never mentioned anything remotely related to a timeline or being in some kind of hurry)). and you can't be in a relationship, but you want me to spend the holidays with your family in another state? you want to further complicate the incomprehensible status of our relationship by involving your family? are you kidding me?

i also don't understand why all of these selfish fucking pricks out there think they can rip our hearts out of our chests and then act completely dumbfounded when we don't want to be friends. yeah, that's what i want to do. i want to be broken up with, suffer through the pangs of the loss of a lover, and then continue to try to be your friend, only to watch you move on to another woman, while asking myself what she's got that i don't. no, i don't want to be your friend. are you high?

shock. i went into this with the impression that we were both looking for something serious. and i didn't imagine that conversation. we had it. at the beginning, before things got even remotely intense.

the other night when i reminded him that i didn't just wake up one day and start asking for things that weren't on the table, he said, "i was looking for something serious. i do want something serious."

to which i responded, "just not with me?"

"yes, with you," he said.

what? you want to be in a serious relationship. you want it to be with me. and we're breaking up. am i missing something?

denial. in my book, denial ties in very closely to the shock and disbelief stage. he can't possibly be serious, right? he can't possibly want to spend the rest of his life in the same trench my ex-husband now occupies, kicking himself in the ass for letting me get away (or in the case of my ex husband, pushing me away with a 2-ton bulldozer, and then doing too little too late to try to get me to come back). he can't possibly tell me he loves me in one breath, but can't be with me in the next. he can't possibly expect me to find any comfort in the words, "you're amazing and i know i'll never find anyone i will have as much fun with as i do you". all that does is make no sense whatsoever. why would you want to stop seeing the person you have more fun with than you've ever had, especially if love is part of the package?

bargaining. not happening. i'm not going to sacrifice any of my integrity, happiness, or self-respect just to have a moment of his attention or affections. fuck that.

angry? yeah, you betcha.

depression. i hurt and lotsa willful tears have escaped my stubborn ducts. he kinda broke my heart. i tried so hard not to even give him access, yet he wiggled his way in, and once there, couldn't take the heat. it got time to jump off the cliff, and it appears as though i'm standing here alone. when i turn around to see how far he's run in the other direction, i no longer even see the dot on the horizon that was the man standing next to me just five minutes ago.

acceptance. do i have a choice?

and hope. that's what i do. i have more love and more hope in this tiny little body than my entire neighborhood could hold in its lake. i do believe that all the wonderful we were is nothing compared to the wonderful that awaits. and if i fell in love, i can do it again, and next time it hopefully won't be with a coward.

~k