15 December 2009

the year to jump

i don't know that i know the exact moment it happened, or how even, but _it_ happened. that thing that's been holding me back from really moving on, whatever it was, whoever it was, finally let go of me.

i don't even know that it was a moment, exactly, but i think it must've happened whilst i was traveling alone in foreign lands, conquering the great unknowns while trying equally as hard as not trying. and while i know this is going to sound a little bit vague (because as open with the world as i am about things, there are those little pieces that belong only to me and my very nearest and dearest), i no longer feel connected to pieces of the past, to hopes i once held with a grip so tightly i couldn't see past wanting what wasn't to be.

it's gone. they're gone. the grips. the hopes. the wanting. the trying to force what cannot be. after spending all of 2009 trying unsuccessfully not to hope, want, force, i just woke up and didn't anymore. and i feel so zen. so free. so open to the possibilities, any possibility, anywhere.

so open that i'm no longer married to moving to washington, dc. so open that my next step may have nothing to do with my career. so open that you should all be warned that i might do something utterly crazy, unexpected, and so quickly you'll think it came completely out of the blue.

and it's because that cliff from which i've been readying myself to plunge is in sight. and when i get there, i'm not even going to close my eyes before i step to the ledge and just jump...


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