another year gone

hubby and i broke in the new car on a road trip to the windy city for the holiday weekend. we spent new year's eve day hanging with friends while our teams (ucla and u of i) played each other in a most uncelebrated toilet bowl game, and then he went out with our friends that evening while i opted for a cozy night in bed cuddling with miss scarlet.

it's not that i planned all along to bow out of spirited celebrations or that i wanted to be anywhere but in the arms of my love when the bells towed away another year, but i just couldn't do it. i couldn't go "out".

twas probably because i spent the entirety of the afternoon at a football-watch party around merry people drinking and laughing and having a good time, and whilst i wasn't not having a good time, i really felt out of place. i can't drink. i'm in a time and place in my life with nary a space for frivolous thoughts. and frankly, as much as i love being pregnant (another blog post), i don't love having the same fucking conversation over and over and over again with every single person who sits down beside me.

it goes like this, "so, when are you due?" [i answer]. "do you know if it's a boy or girl?" [i answer]. "oh that's so exciting!" [i agree]. the end.

maybe it's my fault. i mean, i am pretty much consumed by baby thoughts and i am carrying around a soccer ball sized belly. maybe it's their fault. they don't have kids. they've never been pregnant. they don't know that i'm still a real person underneath that big belly and behind that wine glass of sparkling juice. or maybe it's just that we're all in an in-between phase of life, some of us coming, some of us going, all of us moving around in different shades of gray, not remembering what it was like to be in their shoes or knowing what it's like to be in mine.

or maybe it's no one's fault. it's just life. and with life comes change. and isn't change all about figuring out how to maneuver through the unknown? i think that sentiment pretty much sums up my 2011... and the start to my 2012...

~k