19 August 2008

i hurt somone today

so, i try really hard to be a good person. it's kinda my number one rule. i don't like being hurt so i don't intentionally hurt others. unfortunately, however, i also try really hard to put me first (life, love, and failures have taught me, time and again, that the only person who can make me happy is me) and that often times means others will get hurt by virtue of having to come second to my own need for happiness. and that happened tonight.

there is someone from my past i care a great deal about. his feelings, his heart, and his future mean a lot to me. i once loved him as madly as any person can love another, and we hurt each other beyond repair. i just didn't know that till now. i couldn't accept that i could love that deeply and feel so strongly for someone and those feelings fade and die. but they did and it's time for both of us to move on. as fair as it isn't, and as painful as it's been, it's over. it's simply over. admitting that to myself was almost as painful as it was admitting it to him...

but i know this because i'm falling again. after dating the unavailable, the uninterested, the too interested, and the simply annoying, i have finally seen the light that is a second chance, and it's turned me upside down and around and around. i didn't see it coming, i didn't see him coming, i even tried to let my own fear of falling keep me from the edge. but he makes it impossible, hallway boy...

regardless of whether or not hallway boy and i have a future, i know that somewhere and with some time, i'm capable of love again. i see it, feel it, and know it's within reach. just as i know it's time to let my first great love go find his next love. he can't wait for me, because what we had has died. it's gone. it's over. i can never love someone who hurt me so deeply, who cut slits into my heart i thought would forever keep me from loving completely and trusting with my whole heart and soul.

and i really wasn't sure. i mean, i always hoped and part of me always wanted to know that i'd love again, that i'd trust again, that i'd hand my heart to another on a silver platter without thinking or blinking. the hope came in waves, just as did the hopelessness. but i know it's there. i know i can, i know it's worth it, i'm worth it, and that person from my past is also worth having the same opportunity. i have so much love in me, so much love to offer, so much i want to share, that i believe in my second chance, whene'er the stars are ready to get all lined up just right. and hallway boy, if it turns out you're not the guy for me, i will never forget that you opened a door in me i feared was jammed shut forever.

all of this beauty, all of this wonder, all of this awe and surprise, all of the love i feel building in my heart and in my soul, the future i'm glimpsing, and the passion that's been ignited doesn't mean i don't hurt in the deepest depths of my soul for hurting someone today, someone i once loved with every ounce of my being. i'm so so sorry i hurt you, my first true love. i'm sorry i hurt you today. i'm sorry i hurt you any day. and i'm sorry that our love is gone...

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