26 August 2008

comfortably numb

hallway boy busted me feeling a bit more for him that i wanted him to know. yeah, we have this amazing connection that rises above games, bullshit, and a need to be something we're not, but i wasn't ready for him to know (struggling to be okay with it myself). one of the things i like most about him is his confidence in and absolute acceptance for who he is. it makes him the hottest boy i've ever met (compounded by other levels of hotness he personifies that i have never seen in another human being).

to make a long story short, i left a diary window open on my computer, in which i'd been berating myself for letting him get to me, for wanting more of him, wanting to give him more than i really want to want to give, for falling for him, for losing my power to control my feelings for others, for giving me hope that more is out there than the detachment i've been feeling for life since pouring myself into the campaign. he saw the diary (if i believed in such things, i'd say it was an accident). and because we've started this thing with no secrets, no questions off limits, no rules about which discussions are or aren't on the table, and there doesn't seem to be much of anything we can't talk about (though he's better with the spoken word than me, as his level of comfort with himself is more finely tuned than mine), he asked me about it.

i was pretty uncomfortable with the discussion. relinquishing so much power was not in the cards i was ready to put into play. but i'm trying to be even better when it comes to rolling with the punches (not that this is something i'd ever consider a weakness of mine, but always striving to be better), so i engaged. yes, i admitted i'm falling for him, but that i'm hanging on to a really solid branch, and i refuse to fall any deeper into that bottomless ravine below my dangling feet until he gives me the go ahead, something he's no more ready to do than i am.

the thing i find the most telling - about myself and where i am right now - is the absolute verity of my assessment of that place i'm in... a previously foreign place, where i have become comfortably numb.

these words aren't my own, but describe where i've settled, where others have come to fit within the confines of the un-availability i've defined for myself after the tumultuous coupla years i've endured, and where he's breaking through:

"there is no pain, you are receding.
a distant ship's smoke on the horizon,
you are only coming through in waves,
your lips move but i can't hear what you're sayin

when i was a child, i had a fever.
my hands felt just like two balloons.
now i've got that feeling once again,
i can't explain,
you would not understand.
this is not how i am.
i have become comfortably numb...

there is no pain, you are receding.
a distant ships smoke on the horizon.
you are only coming through in waves.
your lips move but i can't hear what you're sayin.

when i was a child, i caught a fleeting glimpse out
of the corner of my eye.
i turned to look but it was gone.
i cannot put my finger on it now.
the child is grown, the dream is gone.

i have become comfortably numb."

life is simpler when i'm comfortably numb. the power i feel in the palms of my hands, and the intensity in my gaze, makes me invincible (and unreachable). it's simpler when i am in control of my feelings, when the fleeting desires of others mean near to nothing to me, and the willingness of my heart to be open to those occasional waves of something more, something i've allowed myself here and again, come just often enough to remind me that i remain capable of feeling something greater than uninspired consistency .

hallway boy doesn't let me maintain possession of that power. little by little, and unbeknownst to him, he strips it from me, by habitually surprising me with what is so unmistakably genuine about him. he's like no one i've ever known, so beautiful, raw, real, self-aware and self-assured, and self-deprecating enough that there's no question his confidence is absolute (especially since i know he'll back up that mouth of his with whatever it takes). i'm nuts about him, and i revel in those moments we're together and i know he feels the same fascination with me and this exploratory journey upon which we have chosen to embark.

i've no idea where it'll go, but it doesn't matter. regardless of whether we've got five minutes or five hundred years, when he cruises through my day, he brings a wave of raw and unhindered energy i've never before experienced and it knocks me on my ass. in a word, he is uh_may_zing!, a welcome and inspired break from a life otherwise spent comfortably numb.

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