30 August 2008

the restlessness

i'm feeling very unsettled, as though at its most fundamental level, my life doesn't quite make sense right now.

it really doesn't. i'm a walking, talking contradiction, and every few steps i take i have to remind myself to keep breathing.

i just got home, after spending a week working in sacramento (where some douchebag red-neck said, "handicap's first") and san francisco (where i've found some great new friends). it feels amazing to be home, in my space, in my fabulous apartment in the hills, with all the beautiful energy that flows here. but i can't wait to leave town again in a few hours, to get somewhere i can maybe rest. because i want to rest, and i can't do that here, even though "here" is where i'm centered and synergized, where all of my elements line up and feel their brightest and best. and maybe rest isn't meant to be. for now. maybe i'm fooling myself to believe that there's a place i can rest, that my mind is capable of turning off, and that i'll find it if i just look hard enough.

i don't know.

i blame the restlessness, the sleeplessness, the frantic energy i'm constantly burning on the campaign. i tell myself and others i'll sleep after november 4th, that it's "change" adrenalin pumping through my veins. but is that even possible? is it really the campaign itself, or is it but the reason i use to help make sense of what otherwise doesn't?

i don't spend much time with my friends. the ones on the second tier (not that i love less, but see much less often), shit, i haven't seen in weeks, if not months. i haven't seen a movie since there will be blood (which blew). i haven't seen my bff for more than a five minute walk-by since july. i haven't been shopping in so long, i don't even remember when i last spent an afternoon trying on half of anthropologie. i haven't been to the super-market or a farmer's market in many weeks. i haven't been on the inside of a mall this entire summer, haven't been to lacma since dali, i've done none of la's summer-y events, haven't even been to a cemetery screening this season, and have hit none of my usual favorite places...

my excuse is the campaign...

the campaign gives me a great mechanism for remaining comfortably numb (back to that). it's my excuse for not having time for my friends, not having time to sleep, or doing the things that used to make me me. it's my excuse for shutting down and backing out. it's my excuse for seeing people, especially the ones in my closest life, as agents of pain, instead of conduits of love. and it's a great and wondrous excuse, because it gives me so much pride and joy to feel like i'm making a difference in the world, and helping to move our country in a new and more enlightened direction. but at the end of the day, i have to wonder at what cost?

and what will my excuse be after november 4th?

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