24 November 2008

finding me

i really was lost for a long time. i lived my life in a self-created bubble. i let the world see who i thought i wanted to be, who i even convinced myself i was, because i was too afraid to be the real me. i assumed the role of the person i thought the world wanted, because i was too afraid the world would reject the real me.

after falling all the way to the bottom of the firey pit of rocks from whence i've spent the last three years climbing, landing on my ass, tending to my wounds, and ascending to its rim with bleeding hands, and a tear-stained face, i have chosen to fear no more. i am who i am, i like who i am, and i don't give a damn if no one else or the world feels the same.

i embarked upon the campaign journey because i believed in obama's message of empowerment, and i believed that as president, he would be able to inspire a new generation of leadership. obama inspired me to believe that i can make the world a better place by believing in me. but i already believed that, i always had. since my days as a wayward kid, it had been my driving force, and i'd just forgotten. i mean, i've always been pretty fearless, have always taken the world by the reigns, never really doubted that i would someday be everything i wanted to be, everything i could be. and even though it was obama who reminded me that someday i could be, it wasn't until this past weekend that i realized that someday is today.

it was an epiphany weekend. it happened in a moment no one orchestrated. but a moment in time that hit me to my core when he said, "why don't you ever put your arms around me? why do you push me away instead of pull me closer to you?" he meant it physically. but it was a physical manifestation of my greatest fears living deep within my barricaded soul. i haven't been able to pull him closer, because the closer i feel myself get to him, the more i look for ways to push him away. i didn't want to love him. i'm too scared. i'm not ready. i'm too afraid that the minute i really open myself up again, and dare to risk my heart, i will encounter another crushing blow.

the thing is, who cares if i do. if i don't try, i'll never know. and even today, after all the heartache and pain i endured by living through the betrayel of another, it was worth it. the depth of emotion we shared, the complete and utter reckless abandon of all sensibility for the few moments of godlike joy we gave one another, the mad and crazy love that's been the inspiration behind the greatest stories ever told, is worth every bit of potential heartache it can bring.

i will spend the rest of my days striving to be a better me, and i'll probably never fully realize the ideal i know i can be (i do have a great many faults, after all), but i will try to always embrace opportunities to expand my horizons, experience new things, and do so with an eye toward bettering myself, instead of with an insular nose in the air (i am being way too hard on myself in this assessment, because i've always been fairly open-minded, but with a certain closed-minded air that i'm trying really hard to overcome). but i will always be okay with and love, adore, and accept the me i am today, and that day. and while i will never approach love with the reckless abandon that once called my shots, i will not let fear stand in my way of having another shot at that mad, crazy love that inspires the world's greatest feats.


No comments:

Post a Comment