16 December 2008

what i want

so much is up in the air right now, so much is going on, so many offers are coming and going, and so many questions are being asked without answers. it gets a girl wondering what it is she really wants.

there's the obama administration position i'm being recommended for, a nalp position i was nominated to assume, a congressional seat i've had my eye on, and a national security fellowship i've got my name all over. but then there's my real life, my real job, my friends, and everything else that's been me all these weeks and months. so what is it i really want, and why am i trying so hard to consider and make room for all this other bullshit?

for the sake of full disclosure, i should admit that i'm a wee bit drunk right now. naeun and i had a coupla drinks and a fat bowl of pho ga tonight, and i'm still buzzed. she made me think, and she made me think about what i want out of my life. exactly which direction i want to point my future and start moving toward.

that's easy. it really is. i've said it all along, and even though i let ambition or politics or the "i know i'm a bad ass, let's prove it to the world" ego get in the way, i know what i want. i want to fall crazy, madly in love with some amazing man and create a family. i want to be a mom. i want to write historical fiction novels and political commentary to pay the pay the bills while i have my babies and raise them to be the enlightened future of our country and the world. that is _exactly_ what i want. i don't care where or when it happens, but that's what i want. that's what will give my life even more meaning than it has today (which is a lot).

the obama job would be impossible to turn down. shit, i might even have to pack up my life and move to dc if it comes through. nalp is easy. my day job is just that. it has no meaning, no long term potential, no career card. the congressional race decided for me when my congressman decided not to accept the job obama was offering. and the fellowship is mine. i wanted it. i want it. i got it. and i couldn't be more thrilled. it's going to teach me to think critically about national security, will give me the resources and connections to start writing and publishing op-ed pieces and being a liason to the media and polticians on national security issues. this is my segway into writing political commentary and advising politicians on important political matters. it's right. it feels right. and it's the right door to walk through.

and my first novel. well, it's done. it just needs for me to let go and go to publish. it will. it's good. i can write. it's the one thing i do that i know i do well. and there's no reason i shouldn't be paid for it.

so that is it. what i want is easy. i want to fall in love, madly, crazy, hopelessly in love, i want to bring children into that love affair, and i want to be paid to write, while my lover and i raise the leaders of tomorrow.

it really is that simple...



  1. I love what you want! I think I want something very similar...but these days feigning indifference is so much easier. *sigh*

    p.s. Ordered a Makers/rocks at a bar last night...well, had two. It was strangely empowering and really yummy!

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