repairing leaking baggage

i guess the good thing is that he’s making me think about stuff i’d rather’ve continued to avoid. i did get angry tonight. he pissed me off. and he was right that it wasn’t what he said, or the tone he took, as much as it was our baggage boiling over. i know i can’t be with him again, even as a friend, because as much as the hurt, the anger, and the hatred have simmered down these past years, i still feel it way down deep and being around him brings it to the surface.

i remember the moment i started letting those feelings slip away, even wishing them away. i stumbled across some saying. it may’ve been a quote on someone’s facebook page or something i read in an article, but it said, “hating someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”. i mean, that’s one humdinger of an actualization. just wishing it would go away doesn’t make the hate go away, but being forced to recognize how toxic it is for my heart and soul makes it easier to understand why i need to let the hate go. and when i let it on its own, that bag of hate, anger, and hurt settles itself into a place where it doesn’t consume my here and now.

it’s kinda like being a tough girl all the time, and pretending that i don’t indulge in moments of self-pity, that i don’t sometimes feel hurt and angry that i have such a hard time doing something as ordinary as walking. though the pain and anger over that complication in my life will never go away, it lives in its own place at the bottom of my soul, right where it belongs. so it doesn’t stand in my way of waking up to an extraordinary life every day.

this doesn’t seem unhealthy to me. i don’t feel like i’m “burying” my feelings. they are there. i recognize them, i accept them, i let them rear their ugly heads here and again, but i don’t allow the difficulties in my life define who i am, or the relationships i have with others. i can’t. or i suffer. those around me suffer. my happiness is rendered lame. even though i wish i could have it all (cuz there are really great parts to him), it is time to recognize and accept that when he’s around, my energy finds its way to and opens up that bag of hate, anger, and hurt so it leaks into my here and now. and that’s just not okay with me.

i’ve worked too hard on me the past few years to sacrifice my happiness, contentment, and peace. and i won’t, not for any relationship whatsoever.

~k