trust in the time of heartache

many years ago, i sat down to write a novel. i sketched out my time line, my plot, and the bios of the main characters. i then set about researching, as it's set in a fairly obscure period in ancient egyptian history, writing bits of the story here and there, trying to figure out _how_ to write it, and eventually editing the damn thing for so long i wondered if i'd ever let go. i'm 34 pages shy of completing my final edit, and i find that it's as much a fictionalized autobiography of my marriage and divorce as it is anything.

don't get me wrong. it's good. i can weave a helluva tale, and being a bit of a wordsmith helps build the bugger, but it's a whole lotta me, and a whole lot of my greatest tale of woe, no doubt about it.

so aneksi is my main character. she is telling the story of her rise and fall as one of egypt's forgotten queens, in her own words, at the very end of her life, the very last day of her life in fact. aneksi fell in love with the wrong prince, but with him had an extraordinary love affair, and an even more extraordinary life. she was, as machiavelli would say, one who became a prince through ability rather than fortune, but lost her kingdom because of fortune. hers is most certainly a tale of woe, but of great love, great circumstance, and a great ride.

the point of my post, though, is trust. you see, aneksi has an affair at the end of her life. 'tis with a man she loves, but will never be in love with, because her heart belongs to the fuckshow she first loved. the end-of-life lover, despite not being her great love, is her "greater love" because she gives everything to him, including her unwavering trust. her first love got her blind trust and he fucking blew it to high hell with his betrayals. her greater love, however, was able to garner post-traumatic experience trust, the kind we keep so close to our chests that we don't give it away, cuz we don't want anyone to hurt us like blind-trust-guy hurt us. and she gave it to him.

she knew how trust hurts, and she gave it to him anyway. that aneksi. she's got some balls. and i sure do plan to follow her lead when i next get my shot at love....

'cept that, unlike my aneksi, i'm giving my heart too.

~k