30 December 2009

rain laden luck

it's raining today. it's one of the five days each year i experience something other than 80-degree sunshine in beautiful southern california.

any of you who frequently indulge in the bullshittery that is my blog know that i've wavered a great deal this past year. first, there was no chance in hell i'd leave these beautiful and tranquil hills of easty los angeles. then, there was no way in hell i was staying.

would i be relocating to washington, dc, to go work for the potus, or would i go all in and run off to build a nation in some failed or failing state in dangerous and obscure parts of the world? or would something altogether crazy and unexpected grab me by the horns and pull me into a direction i never saw coming? if you're looking for an answer, i still haven't one to offer.

but today, whilst the rain falls outside, all of the above questions pour inside.

there is no doubt in my mind that the most unexpected thing of all has come along to throw a wrench in the unfolding plans i've been making. love. i've fallen hard and fast, and think that if given the choice, i'd probably rather have a life with love than with career. but this relationship is too new to start closing the career doors. and it's probably too new to even start a conversation about how mired i've been this past year in my next career move, and how that impacts my now and immediate future.

except that the career doors are opening too quickly. and i should've known they would. i mean, i've had my eye on an april with cherry blossoms for many moons now, so i shouldn't be so surprised that i'd start the new year with options flooding in. and honestly, i probably wouldn't be feeling this surprised, upset, or as pressured as i do, had this new wrench not come along.

afghanistan called today. turns out, i'm knee-deep in the running for a myriad of positions to help the new afghan government design and implement its national justice system (can we say 'build a nation?'). and the white house also called today with a possibility that might just be right up my alley.

and all i want to do is cry. because whilst these aren't yet choices, none of them, they each and separately represent a choice i'm soon going to have to make. and part of me fears i'm going to be making a [ginormous] decision without all of the assurances and information i might wish to have so's to better the odds i'll make the right one...



  1. Life is risk, and none greater than love.

  2. Your gut is what you should trust. A woman's gut instincts are always right! You will fulfill your dream of changing the world...but maybe it's YOUR world that you need to change!
    Besides, there's no snow in the desert! ; )