my inner afghan war

you know how reality feels so much different than anticipation of that reality? i was pretty sure the job offer was coming. a few weeks back, i got an email that i had been deemed "qualified" for a position on a team helping to design and implement the afghan justice system. they were simply waiting for confirmation of their defense department contract.

and then the offer came. two days ago, when it popped into in my inbox, i started shaking, sweating, and my head was spinning so furiously i didn't know what to feel or think, and i had to remind myself to. just. keep. breathing.

i mean, it is afghanistan. it's a scary and dangerous place. it's one thing to want to go there, and another to be invited (with a $200,000 offering to boot). it's one thing to want to build a nation. and another to walk amongst the ruins and gunfire of a country at war. it's one thing to want. another to have.

and ya know what? if i didn't have this great new wonder in my life - paris guy, and hopes about where it might could go, i don't know if i would have turned down the job (that they only gave me 48 hours to make a decision of this magnitude was also a big factor). but i did turn it down. and it didn't take anywhere near 48 hours.

all's it took was a couple of phone calls with a couple of really important people in my life, thinking about the direction my life would likely take to and through afghanistan, and realizing that i'm simply not ready. not now. and hearing paris guy tell me he didn't want to go was opium-laden icing on my happy cake.

but it doesn't mean i just stopped wanting to build a nation. it's just that now isn't the time for me. i have other things to do now, more things to learn. and though it'll take me a bit of time and effort to simmer down the over-indulgence of hotdoggery my ego is presently reveling in, the humility in me does recognize that having been granted this opportunity is a pretty telling indication that i will soon see bigger and better doors opening into even more auspicious meadows.

~k