07 April 2010

whistling dixie

i have spent a week in hell. and it all began with that foreign service post...

to which paris guy responded, "I cannot stand in the way of someone who wants to change the world. Especially a baller like you whose changes and difference making I fully support and am (make no mistake here) the BIGGEST fan of, no matter any others' claims. Your path is not mine..." (and, omg, the way he uses words, i melt reading them because i can hear his voice speaking them).

and i died.

while writhing about the heartbreak, confusion, and sadness that feels like death (i mean, FUCK!, really? you're the most amazing boy i've ever met, and we have this thing, this connection, this something crazy.), i had to accept the truth about me, that i'm meant to roam the planet for a while. i want my globetrotting destiny, even if it costs this much. at least for now (i mean, the end game is writing full time at home (wherever that is), but for now, i want and need to collect a lifetime worth of unimaginable fodder). and if he doesn't want to get his international groove on alongside me, i have to let him go.

or so says rational me.

but knowing rational me is right doesn't make emotional me hurt any less. and he wants to be friends, which rational me would also love, but i'm ruled by emotional me, and that doesn't work for emotional me. i mean, i want to be friends. i miss him sooooooooo much. he's the best boy i've ever known, and he's set my boy bar so high, nary a one will come close to matching up (but i would never discourage the good ones from giving it a shot). but friends?

is it even possible to step back? to go from feeling romantic love for someone to not? from sharing thoughts and moments too intimate for anyone else to forgetting that's even on the table? or is it just letting him have his cake and eat it too (i.e. he gets all the best parts of me without having to deal with any of the hard stuff (i.e. awesome for him))? i don't know.

but seriously, while i'm sitting here whistling dixie, why don't you share your thoughts in the comments box below? please? i mean, y'all have been in love, you've lost loves, you've wanted to and i'll bet some of you have even tried to hang on. surely you have an opinion. can we be friends? is it possible? should i even try?

help me?

~k

6 comments:

  1. That whole friends thing doesn't work...it's always awkward. There will always been some tension. Go change the world!

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  2. I can see M's point, but I don't think it is so cut and dried. Keep him as a plaything if you like, but you will prolly be better served by taking a time out. After that separation anxiety wears off, try a little contact and see how it goes.

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  3. just for the record, he is no "plaything"...

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  4. You may really like this guy, but you already know the answer. It's very apparent, so don't torcher yourself over it. When it is right, there is NO question about it, be it friends or lovers. That is the nature of any relationship.

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  5. I don't agree that everything will be easy and cut and dried if the person is the right one because we are complex creatures. I mostly know you through your blog and only a tiny bit of personal interaction, but my gut feeling says this:

    Your spirit wants to make the world a better place in a large way. Starting a neighborhood recycling program isn't going to quench your fire. It's got to be big and it's got to be in the history books, even if your name isn't listed along with it. If you go out into the world and change it, you will be forever happy. If you stay here and be happy with the boy, you'll always have that longing to be somewhere else... and if I may take the psycho-analysis to another hypothetical level... That longing will not be invisible. He'll know it is there. He may not see it every day, but routinely, he'll catch that glimpse in your eyes or that tone in your voice when you read and talk about politics and it'll remind him that you want to be out there. If he's a smart man it may cause him to intensify his efforts to show you his love to make up for the sacrifice, but it may also begin to breed a tiny kernel of resentment because you long for something that is not him.

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  6. You know what happened when I continually tried to be friends with a certain someone... never quite worked. Now I can never speak to him again. Totally different situations, but I've just never been able to be friends with someone I loved. Other exes perhaps, but not someone that I actually truly loved. Sadly.

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