i don't know when my ego will recover from the crushing blow it was dealt today, but it's really got the rest of me in a serious bout of self doubt...
turns out i'm FS-average.
this google doc went around to the foreign service yahoo group, asking us to input our FSOT scores so's to compare. and whilst i already knew i'd passed by the hair of my chinny chin chin, today i was knocked completely off my pedastal when i discovered that my scores were "average".
average.
to a rational person, average might translate to good. i mean, half the people who took the test received lower scores than me, and only half did better (in a test with a 30% passage rate, no less). and even if it's the average of the best and brightest, it's the "average" that burns my poor little ego, a poor little ego that's spent most of its life being much closer to "exceptional".
the good news for me, i hope, is that once i get a handle on my ego (it is definitely in charge today), the humility will do us both a fair bit of good going into the OA. if we even get that far...
~k (and her ego)
26 April 2010
24 April 2010
fearing the fsoa
in the coming weeks, i'm likely to bore y'all to tears with the acronyms that increasingly gain more relevance in my life (and i'm fer reals going to have to start a cheat sheet at some point), not to mention the fear of this "interview" process in getting my dream job in a "public diplomacy cone".
FSOA = foreign service oral assessment. think that sounds like a big deal? well lemme tell you, it's a big fucking deal. a big scary one. i've begun my preparation, prior to finding out if i've even cleared the PNQs (personal narrative questions), because, well, because i'll find out mid-june if i cleared that hurdle and will likely be invited to the OA in july. and it's probably a good idea to give myself a few months to prepare, as opposed to a few weeks.
the good news is that i know why i had that teeth-falling-out dream the other night. my subconscious was a few days ahead of my ego in getting its arms around the magnitude of not just the OA, but how scary it is to want something so badly, to see my destiny waiting for me on the other side of miles of hurdles that seem so long, so high, so out of my control.
so, in the next few months, in anticipation of my FSOA, i need to prepare myself for the GE, SI, and CM. guess i should start with figuring out what the hell those mean...
~k
FSOA = foreign service oral assessment. think that sounds like a big deal? well lemme tell you, it's a big fucking deal. a big scary one. i've begun my preparation, prior to finding out if i've even cleared the PNQs (personal narrative questions), because, well, because i'll find out mid-june if i cleared that hurdle and will likely be invited to the OA in july. and it's probably a good idea to give myself a few months to prepare, as opposed to a few weeks.
the good news is that i know why i had that teeth-falling-out dream the other night. my subconscious was a few days ahead of my ego in getting its arms around the magnitude of not just the OA, but how scary it is to want something so badly, to see my destiny waiting for me on the other side of miles of hurdles that seem so long, so high, so out of my control.
so, in the next few months, in anticipation of my FSOA, i need to prepare myself for the GE, SI, and CM. guess i should start with figuring out what the hell those mean...
~k
23 April 2010
an end in torment
for weeks, i've been riveted by lawrence wright's the looming tower, an incredibly well-researched and even more impressively written (see pulitzer prize) account of the rise of islamic terrorism and al queda in particular. i've had nightmares, chewed my fingernails to the quick, and relived moments of terror that truly will live forever in infamy.
i learned far too much about osama bin laden, those who came before him (sayyid qutb, ramzi yousef), and their misplaced, irrational even, hatred of america. and the more i learned, the less i understood. men from an insular part of the world, fanatically religious, separated from women, politically and socially oppressed, uneducated: with no plan, no valid worldview, surrendering to god via martyrdom, and twisting the quran to suit their moral depravity, with eyes set on destroying america because who else is to blame for their woes...
and the worst part is that we knew all this, yet foolishly turned a blind eye, in underestimating the power in devotion to cause.
we let 9/11 happen.
after the uss cole bombing in the port of aden in yemen, just under a year before the world trade center crashed to ground zero, the fbi had everything it needed to know that a larger attack on american soil was in the works. all's it needed to link the impending disaster to those set on carrying it out was the information the cia wasn't sharing. and they knew the cia had the info they needed. and the cia knew too. but they didn't share because, well, because no one wanted its toes stepped on.
on 12 september 2001, the cia handed over everything that could have prevented 9/11 had they turned it over on 10 september 2001.
i relived 9/11 today. the emotion. the anger. the sadness. the helplessness. but this time, i did it knowing it could have been stopped, knowing that but for big egos at the top of agencies that exist to protect us, the looming tower would never have been written, those planes would have landed safely as scheduled, and the terrorists on board would have been picked up long before that infamous day was carried out.
and still i weep, and weep harder still. for as senseless as war seems, even the just kind i support, it makes even less sense knowing we waited too long, trusted too deeply in ignoble egos, lost too much, and gave too little to still be stuck in the graveyard of empires osama bin laden sought to draw us into...
~k
i learned far too much about osama bin laden, those who came before him (sayyid qutb, ramzi yousef), and their misplaced, irrational even, hatred of america. and the more i learned, the less i understood. men from an insular part of the world, fanatically religious, separated from women, politically and socially oppressed, uneducated: with no plan, no valid worldview, surrendering to god via martyrdom, and twisting the quran to suit their moral depravity, with eyes set on destroying america because who else is to blame for their woes...
and the worst part is that we knew all this, yet foolishly turned a blind eye, in underestimating the power in devotion to cause.
we let 9/11 happen.
after the uss cole bombing in the port of aden in yemen, just under a year before the world trade center crashed to ground zero, the fbi had everything it needed to know that a larger attack on american soil was in the works. all's it needed to link the impending disaster to those set on carrying it out was the information the cia wasn't sharing. and they knew the cia had the info they needed. and the cia knew too. but they didn't share because, well, because no one wanted its toes stepped on.
on 12 september 2001, the cia handed over everything that could have prevented 9/11 had they turned it over on 10 september 2001.
i relived 9/11 today. the emotion. the anger. the sadness. the helplessness. but this time, i did it knowing it could have been stopped, knowing that but for big egos at the top of agencies that exist to protect us, the looming tower would never have been written, those planes would have landed safely as scheduled, and the terrorists on board would have been picked up long before that infamous day was carried out.
and still i weep, and weep harder still. for as senseless as war seems, even the just kind i support, it makes even less sense knowing we waited too long, trusted too deeply in ignoble egos, lost too much, and gave too little to still be stuck in the graveyard of empires osama bin laden sought to draw us into...
~k
20 April 2010
the trouble with teeth in sleep
in light of the fact that most of my night terrors revolve around terrorists, being chased by monsters, and forcing myself to wake up just before freddy krueger plunges his knivey finger nails into my jugular, this latest sleep intrusion seems but a minor inconvenience. but i'll be goddammed if i'm not twisted into nine kindsa knots today after waking at 2am horrified that my teeth had fallen out.
seriously, i could go into the gritty details i remember spectacularly well (which likely make less sense on "paper" than the film that's been on replay in my brain all day), but the bottom line is that i dreamed my teeth were falling out, and i'm still reeling from the horror i felt at 2am.
i'm sure part of it's exhaustion, cuz it was near impossible to get back to sleep whilst so riled up. i'm sure part of it is type-a-insanity (i.e. "i wanna know NOW what it all means), and the rest is the confusion associated with why something as insignificant as a dream about my teeth falling out could have so much more of an impact on my day-psyche than being terrorized by the likes of freddy krueger.
and of course i googled it. apparently, this is the most commonly researched dream. freud would say it's punishment for masturbation (and i won't even go into what that says about freud), bible-thumpers think it has to do with me caring more about what others think than what god thinks (uh...not likely), others think i'm insecure or have trouble expressing myself (yeah, that's probable), or perhaps i'm "unprepared for the task at hand," whatever that is.
so... after my research and analysis, it turns out i still have no idea why i remain so stressed out about it or what the hell it means, but maybe it just means that it's time to go to the dentist...
~k
seriously, i could go into the gritty details i remember spectacularly well (which likely make less sense on "paper" than the film that's been on replay in my brain all day), but the bottom line is that i dreamed my teeth were falling out, and i'm still reeling from the horror i felt at 2am.
i'm sure part of it's exhaustion, cuz it was near impossible to get back to sleep whilst so riled up. i'm sure part of it is type-a-insanity (i.e. "i wanna know NOW what it all means), and the rest is the confusion associated with why something as insignificant as a dream about my teeth falling out could have so much more of an impact on my day-psyche than being terrorized by the likes of freddy krueger.
and of course i googled it. apparently, this is the most commonly researched dream. freud would say it's punishment for masturbation (and i won't even go into what that says about freud), bible-thumpers think it has to do with me caring more about what others think than what god thinks (uh...not likely), others think i'm insecure or have trouble expressing myself (yeah, that's probable), or perhaps i'm "unprepared for the task at hand," whatever that is.
so... after my research and analysis, it turns out i still have no idea why i remain so stressed out about it or what the hell it means, but maybe it just means that it's time to go to the dentist...
~k
18 April 2010
24 hours in vegas
yesterday afternoon, after spending the morning nursing a hangover the likes of which i've not known for days a plenty, i hopped a flight to vegas with six of my k street friends. for those of you who live lives absent lobbyists, you should know that they are some of the coolest, funnest, most interesting, lively people to ever walk the earth. fun is not only guaranteed when hanging out with lobbyists, but taken to a new level. so just think about what vegas must be like with the k street crowd...
we took a limo from the airport (awesomeness!) to the palms, and after dingdong debbie at the check-in desk finally figured out how to check seven people into four rooms, we walked the 4-mile hike to the other palms to get to our bad-ass rooms!
but picture this elevator ride. two of us were women (see young, fun, _hot_ women). the rest of us were old, white, married dudes, and whilst i love them dearly, they might, at first glance, seem a wee on the dorky side. anyway, we were all in the elevator with a hottie guy about my age, and when our boys departed the elevator on the 28th floor, young hot guy turned to my friend and me and said, "really? those guy?"
we were momentarily speechless. but it was fucking brilliant. and my girlfriend and i will laugh about it until the end of time. "really? those guys?"
for the next twelve hours, we had a BLAST with "those guys"! we drank entirely too much, ate entirely too much, and lost ourselves at the craps tables (where incidentally, some hot ass spent the whole night blowing me kisses and making somewhat inappropriate (albeit not unwelcome) comments about my own hotness). getting up this morning, knowing a flight was imminent, was, we'll say challenging; one whiff of the wrong scent and i woulda tossed my cookies from here to high hell.
but i'm home now, and walking out of LAX -from anywhere- remains one of the great joys of my life... all-in-all, the weekend was well worth the pain i feel today, and the attention from the fairer sex went a long way in my rejection recovery process.
~k
we took a limo from the airport (awesomeness!) to the palms, and after dingdong debbie at the check-in desk finally figured out how to check seven people into four rooms, we walked the 4-mile hike to the other palms to get to our bad-ass rooms!
but picture this elevator ride. two of us were women (see young, fun, _hot_ women). the rest of us were old, white, married dudes, and whilst i love them dearly, they might, at first glance, seem a wee on the dorky side. anyway, we were all in the elevator with a hottie guy about my age, and when our boys departed the elevator on the 28th floor, young hot guy turned to my friend and me and said, "really? those guy?"
we were momentarily speechless. but it was fucking brilliant. and my girlfriend and i will laugh about it until the end of time. "really? those guys?"
for the next twelve hours, we had a BLAST with "those guys"! we drank entirely too much, ate entirely too much, and lost ourselves at the craps tables (where incidentally, some hot ass spent the whole night blowing me kisses and making somewhat inappropriate (albeit not unwelcome) comments about my own hotness). getting up this morning, knowing a flight was imminent, was, we'll say challenging; one whiff of the wrong scent and i woulda tossed my cookies from here to high hell.
but i'm home now, and walking out of LAX -from anywhere- remains one of the great joys of my life... all-in-all, the weekend was well worth the pain i feel today, and the attention from the fairer sex went a long way in my rejection recovery process.
~k
15 April 2010
teabagger uprising
in this morning's ny times is an article analyzing teabaggers. when i first saw the breaking news email yesterday, it spoke of teabagger anger, which caused my heart to flip a flop whilst the historian in me immediately thought of the bolshevics, the guillotine, and the maoists. or, a typical uprising defined by class struggles, the anger of the proletariat, the road to communism...
and i sort of freaked out a little bit. i mean, the shit that's been going on in response to obama's radicalism and socialism (give me a fucking break!), the "government takeover of healthcare," big bank bailouts, and the general comments about the "very liberal agenda" of the potus, is really scary. not to mention asinine. i mean, where do these people get this shit? it makes zero sense, is weighted not an ounce in reality, and is an overarching emotional response to fear-mongering on the right.
or, as is more likely the case, racism.
per the ny times poll, the 18% of americans who identify themselves as teabaggers are, "republican, white, male, married, and over 45." translation: an ever-decreasing demographic in the american landscape. futher, most agree that social security and medicare are worth the money (see socialism), that the taxes they pay are fair, and they don't think sarah palin is qualified to be president (see not retarded). so if these are rational, educated, thinking people, what's the deal?
well, they believe that the obama administration is catering to the poor and the blacks, and that the president does not share the values of "most americans" (i hardly consider 18% to qualify as "most americans," but what do i know?). one teabagger was quoted as saying,“over the last three or four years, I’ve realized how immense that drift has been away from what made this country great.” (translation: "all these uppity minorities and gays are taking over the safely homogenous america i always knew and loved").
and my favorite teabagger quote makes my case for me, “I just feel [obama's] getting away from what America is. He’s a socialist. And to tell you the truth, I think he’s a Muslim and trying to head us in that direction, I don’t care what he says. He’s been in office over a year and can’t find a church to go to. That doesn’t say much for him.”
it's plain and simple. old, white guys don't like young black presidents anymore than they like the fact that the demographic landscape of america is changing so's to push them into the minority box. i guess the bottom line is that change is hard, especially for bigots, and their only way to fight the change is to slap non-applicable fear-mongering labels onto the president and his supporters which bear no rational resemblance to reality.
thank goodness democrats' balls are beginning to descend enough to take a stronger stance in the public discourse. let's just hope at the end of the day i'm not the only one calling it what it is: racism.
~k
and i sort of freaked out a little bit. i mean, the shit that's been going on in response to obama's radicalism and socialism (give me a fucking break!), the "government takeover of healthcare," big bank bailouts, and the general comments about the "very liberal agenda" of the potus, is really scary. not to mention asinine. i mean, where do these people get this shit? it makes zero sense, is weighted not an ounce in reality, and is an overarching emotional response to fear-mongering on the right.
or, as is more likely the case, racism.
per the ny times poll, the 18% of americans who identify themselves as teabaggers are, "republican, white, male, married, and over 45." translation: an ever-decreasing demographic in the american landscape. futher, most agree that social security and medicare are worth the money (see socialism), that the taxes they pay are fair, and they don't think sarah palin is qualified to be president (see not retarded). so if these are rational, educated, thinking people, what's the deal?
well, they believe that the obama administration is catering to the poor and the blacks, and that the president does not share the values of "most americans" (i hardly consider 18% to qualify as "most americans," but what do i know?). one teabagger was quoted as saying,“over the last three or four years, I’ve realized how immense that drift has been away from what made this country great.” (translation: "all these uppity minorities and gays are taking over the safely homogenous america i always knew and loved").
and my favorite teabagger quote makes my case for me, “I just feel [obama's] getting away from what America is. He’s a socialist. And to tell you the truth, I think he’s a Muslim and trying to head us in that direction, I don’t care what he says. He’s been in office over a year and can’t find a church to go to. That doesn’t say much for him.”
it's plain and simple. old, white guys don't like young black presidents anymore than they like the fact that the demographic landscape of america is changing so's to push them into the minority box. i guess the bottom line is that change is hard, especially for bigots, and their only way to fight the change is to slap non-applicable fear-mongering labels onto the president and his supporters which bear no rational resemblance to reality.
thank goodness democrats' balls are beginning to descend enough to take a stronger stance in the public discourse. let's just hope at the end of the day i'm not the only one calling it what it is: racism.
~k
12 April 2010
around and around and around
since my last post, nearly a week ago, i've left three in the unpublished queue, and've dropped a few thousand other words here, there, and everywhere. though it probably seems there isn't much i don't share here, sometimes i can't help but hold back.
and i've got a bit swirling about my brain these days. too much, if truth be told. i'm trying too hard to make sense of things that can't. i'm spending entirely too much energy trying to motivate myself, so that once i'm actually near motivated, i'm too tired to do anything.
like, i cannot remember the last time i was this unproductive (though i did file my taxes yesterday, and was pleasantly surprised with an unexpected refund i will use to bankroll my adventure to foreign lands later this year). my tivo is stacked, i'm two weeks behind in 'the economist', both of yesterday's papers are sitting in a pile, and i couldn't even get my ass off the music box steps to go to the office today, which might also imply that i'm still in my pajamas. and don't even ask me about dishes and laundry...
i guess it's not all bad. i mean, i did go to malibu yesterday, and even wrote a lengthy unpublished post about my love-hate relationship with california. i'm going to the office tomorrow, and a lakers game tomorrow night (unless i am successful in talking myself out of it). shit, i'm even going to vegas this weekend for a whirlwind 24-hour party (though in all honesty, i'm totally not up for).
i'm trying. really. fucking. hard.
and clearly failing miserably.
~k
and i've got a bit swirling about my brain these days. too much, if truth be told. i'm trying too hard to make sense of things that can't. i'm spending entirely too much energy trying to motivate myself, so that once i'm actually near motivated, i'm too tired to do anything.
like, i cannot remember the last time i was this unproductive (though i did file my taxes yesterday, and was pleasantly surprised with an unexpected refund i will use to bankroll my adventure to foreign lands later this year). my tivo is stacked, i'm two weeks behind in 'the economist', both of yesterday's papers are sitting in a pile, and i couldn't even get my ass off the music box steps to go to the office today, which might also imply that i'm still in my pajamas. and don't even ask me about dishes and laundry...
i guess it's not all bad. i mean, i did go to malibu yesterday, and even wrote a lengthy unpublished post about my love-hate relationship with california. i'm going to the office tomorrow, and a lakers game tomorrow night (unless i am successful in talking myself out of it). shit, i'm even going to vegas this weekend for a whirlwind 24-hour party (though in all honesty, i'm totally not up for).
i'm trying. really. fucking. hard.
and clearly failing miserably.
~k
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