i'm back...

i can't believe it's been almost a month since i've been here. that has to be a record for me. and what a month it's been!

being unemployed is a lot busier than you might think. i mean, don't get me wrong, it doesn't suck, but it's not very relaxing either. i'll admit that i've blown a few hours here and there watching tv and reading, and maybe even sleeping too much now and again, but packing, moving, unpacking, and getting organized is a nightmare. fer reals, if i move again i will seriously consider burning it all before putting it back into boxes. but i'm here, the rest of my life here, and i really like it. a lot.

for starters, i get to wake up next to and fall asleep with my favoritest person every single day. i get to live in a big, beautiful house with lots of peace and quiet, and i can't believe how refreshing it is to be back in the midst of mid-westerners. people are genuine here. and genuinely nice. i've no doubt i'll meet my fair share of douchebags in st louis, but it'll be more like 1 in 10 than 1 in 2, and i'm pretty stoked about those odds. and whilst i definitely live in the bum fucked suburbs, the city is close enough to be convenient while still being far away enough to be a novelty. and my fiance got me my new york times :)

where i read every day about what's happening in egypt, and the fire spreading all over the middle east. and i pray to whatever god will listen that it continues to spread until all the autocrats fall, so that people all over that region can take control of their own destinies. because once that happens, the zealousness that breeds violence will begin to lessen, those who turn to extremism will find fewer and fewer reasons to do so and fewer and fewer places to turn. and the rest of egypt (or tunisia, or syria, or jordan), run by and for its people, will not allow terrorists to threaten its new found freedom. the united states can go in and start wars and force our values on a conquered people. or we can wait until those people have a fire in their bellies to do it for themselves, to fight, bleed, and die for freedom. and only then do we win. because it's only then that we _all_ win.

~k

fishies and their ponds

i've been thinking a lot about why my tour de DC has been such a failure, and though there are many contributing factors, i think i've concluded that, in a grander scheme of things, i'd rather be a big fish in a small pond than the other way around.

i loved being in politics in california. it felt like there weren't that many of us, and our opportunities to reach into the hearts and minds of people kept bringing us all back together. i loved that sense of community i shared with my fellow organizers, and the feeling that i was making a difference. it was my life in a small pond.

DC, on the other hand, is an ocean of world changers, each bringing individual talents, interests, knowledge, and passion for something. there's someone here passionate about every imaginable issue. but my passion doesn't feel so inspired here. i've never been able to take that first step into the fray here, and i don't think it's because i 've been afraid, i think it's because i just didn't want it. i didn't want it to consume my whole life. it's just too big here.

and that stuff (politics, foreign policy, the truman project, current events) matters to me a lot. it defines a large part of who i am, and it troubles me that i've watched it all lose its verve the past seven months. sorta makes me feel like i'm not being me anymore. and i like me way too much (as we all know) to stop being passionate about things that matter to me.

by learning this about myself, it doesn't seem so much a failure anymore. more like a lesson in where i belong. making my waves in a small pond.

~k

ritualism

i think i've mentioned that i'm moving, but i don't know that i've mentioned that i'm moving beyond the reach of the ny times.

i didn't know this, of course, until yesterday. i was calling around to update my address (i always like to start with those publication-types as it takes them a few weeks to get the change in the system), and i was informed by the ny times that they don't deliver to my new address. and whilst that might not seem like much more than a minor inconvenience in the grand scheme of things, i started bawling.

it might be easy to blame the breakdown on all the craziness i've been through the past coupla weeks, that maybe i just needed a straw to break the tear dam, but i think it's more than that. since i've been on my own, the ny times has been on my stoop every sunday morning, whether rain or shine, los angeles or washington, here or there or anywhere. i look the whole week forward to my sunday mornings with my coffee, meet the press, and my ny times.

i love the way the paper smells, the way i feel pulling it apart and lining up the sections in the order i'll read (starting _always_ with the 'week in review'), the smudges it leaves on my hands, and that distinct weight, shape, and feel of the ny times. i have even grown fond of battling the damn thing when it won't turn pages as i'd like.

and even though i don't always get through the whole paper, there's just something about that piece of my sunday morning ritual i'm not ready to let go of.

~k

p.s. my fiance hasn't given up. and neither have i.

unemployment

i've now been unemployed for a week. and it really doesn't suck. except for the part where there's almost too much to do.

every day, i work out for an hour, piddle around doing personal stuff (like paying bills, updating my address, dealing with filing unemployment (not the easiest feat for a girl who spent the halves of last year in different "states"), getting ready to move), and i study for the GRE. all of which takes up the entirety of my work day, followed by a typical evening in the life of...

i just don't know how i got it all done while also working.

~k

ringing it in with dynamite

i started the first week of the new year getting engaged and ended it getting fired.

setting aside the melodrama, getting fired - whilst not a pleasant experience, really was the best thing that could have happened to me right now.

my fiance is in st louis starting our life without me. and i want to be with him. i thought i was trapped in DC (and we all know how happy i've been here) till my lease ended in june, or until i was able to save enough money that it wouldn't matter. but we were looking at being apart for months more whilst i continued fighting my district blues.

until the general and his side-kick came into my office this thursday past, to tell me "today is your last day at [anonymous former employer]". i was stunned. not quite speechless, i struggled to squeak out a "why?". they said they just didn't see a long term fit with me. and whilst the word "duh" did spring to mind, my poor little ego crashed to the floor. like, i can't believe they broke up with me. first. even though i've long known i was going to resign by spring anyway, it didn't take any of the sting out of the rejection.

but it's been a few days. so i'm past the shock, i think my ego will get away with only minor bruising, and in looking forward, i'm peering into the most amazing year of my life. i get to get out of DC, i get to go be with my love every day, and i finally get to have the life i want. i want to write more, love more, and focus more on things that matter while building something wonderful with the man of my dreams.

when the year started and he asked me to marry him, i was so happy i tried not to think about how much it was going to suck to spend the next several months without him, planning our wedding from afar, and watching him build our home via texted pictures. when the week ended, it meant our wait would instead be days. kinda proves that a miracle wrapped in shit is still a miracle.

~k

the end of an era

where do i even begin?

this whole little year end rundown might get a bit boring, so i do apologize, but watching the chips of my life fall into place with such effortlessness and to land so beautifully is a lot to wrap my mind around.

just a coupla years ago, i walked out of a year forcibly leaving all the shit behind. i shed all the ropes and shackles holding me back (being haunted by my failed marriage and fearing at my core that i would always be alone), and went to paris alone to revel in my solitude and celebrate my liberty. it was there i learned that i could love someone again, someone who loved me just as much.

so that when i met him, en route to my new (see temporary) life, i would never doubt that he's the one i'm meant to share my life with. and after an insane roller coaster of a year (getting scarlet, leaving los angeles, zip's wedding, driving across the country with my brother, and starting a new (blech) life and a new job on the other coast), i'm ready to be a grown up and seize the life i really want. and i found the person i want to be a grown up with.

the best part is that he feels the same way. this past sunday, he put his grandmother's engagement ring on my finger at brunch in a rotating restaurant on top of st louis, and asked me to marry him. and even though there was no doubt in his mind that i was going to say yes, he was so nervous he was shaking. that's the love i want. and the love i want to give.

so here's to 2011, the best year of my life.

so far...

~k

one creepy christmas

i'm sure i've mentioned that i live smack dab in the center of urban mania. there are always people around, horns honking, sirens blaring, bottles breaking, and dogs barking. "war of the worlds" as kbd-l might quip. and i love it. it's so full of life, with diversity in people, restaurants, bars, and stores. laughter, yelling, and chatter at every turn. and in all that chaos is a genuine sense of security, a safety in numbers if you will.

much like the one i left, this city empties out at christmas time. every one heads back to whatever place they came from (cuz, no one is actually _from_ here). i said the same thing every holiday season in LA, as i basked in the beauty of an abandoned 80-degree-sunshiney city. but in LA, people were around, there were just a lot fewer of them. DC, on the other hand, is a flippin ghost town.

i've never seen anything like this. both christmas eve and last night, i was actually scared when out of doors after dark. the streets were barren land, i could count maybe one other person on any given block, and with everyone bundled up in eskimo-wear they all looked sketchy. the streets were essentially devoid of its typical sounds of life. no cars, people, screeching buses, busy stores. just quiet, empty, and intimidating. kinda like the day after war of the worlds.

made me all the happier to be spending the bulk of it indoors, catching up on the most classic of 80's movies whilst miss scarlet devoured the goodies she found in her stocking.

...until i went to bed, and spent the whole night dreaming jason voorhees was trying to kill me.

~k