last night was my second tornado scare since my return to the midwest (the first was a novelty as i was but a visitor in my then-boyfriend's new house), and lemme just tell you about tornado scares.
they start with a flashing color-coded weather map in the bottom left corner of whatever's on the television. last night's codes were: pink for severe thunderstorms (my fave!), green for tornado watch, and red for tornado warning (the latter means a tornado has been spotted in the red zone). last night, my town was in red.
and then the blaring sirens that go on and on and on until the tornado knocks its ass over or moves along to the next green gone red zone.
and last night whilst my fiance fell soundly asleep to the oh-so-soothing sound of that siren, i texted his brother to find out if we should spend the night in the basement. his nonchalant, "eh, just wait it out" response did nothing to ease my terror. so there i laid, sweating, terrified, and longing for the foregone days of life along the ole san andreas fault.
cuz even though earthquakes can be big, scary, damaging, and deadly, they come without a warning. and i've just learned that the element of surprise is a way better natural disaster than lying in wait for its imminent attack.
~k
28 February 2011
18 February 2011
wedding woes
planning a wedding isn't fun. unlike other parties i've planned (and i've planned and executed many successful parties), this one isn't really a party. it's more of an over-priced, over-trumped, challenge to meet a dozen competing expectations. what the eff is fun about that?
my fiance and i have now looked at two possible venues for our upcoming nuptials. the first was okay. it is very conveniently located and it looks like it'd be a real nice, small-ish, outdoorsy spot (we had to use our imagination as it was covered in the remains of a blizzard). and there's a carousel in that park which could result in some super fun wedding pics.
the second almost gave me hives. it was on the other side of the missouri river so we had to cross a bridge. not sure i've mentioned it, but i really hate bridges. it was in this super quaint, cute little historic area of the burbs, that had kind of a sappy sweet vibe. but when we were walking through the actual venue, i almost went into cardiac arrest. it felt claustrophobic and constricting. and so very ordinary. not to mention that it was nearly double the price of the first place we saw.
and that was when i lost my shit. i mean, tears, drama, the whole stupid girl thing. and i feel bad for my fiance because he liked the place that made me throw up in my mouth. the thing is, this whole wedding thing, it's just not me. don't get me wrong, i want to marry my fiance, and i want to have a super fun day with our families and besties, and capture every amazing moment in photos. but some big show that's more about everyone else than it is us, i don't want that. and neither does the person i'm marrying.
i just don't know how or when we're going to figure out what, where, and when is right for us. we're less than six months from our august-ish goal, and haven't really settled on anything. we are leaning toward a weekend - the one when the cubs are in town (oh what fun that would be!), but as far as a decision. nada.
oh woes us.
~k
my fiance and i have now looked at two possible venues for our upcoming nuptials. the first was okay. it is very conveniently located and it looks like it'd be a real nice, small-ish, outdoorsy spot (we had to use our imagination as it was covered in the remains of a blizzard). and there's a carousel in that park which could result in some super fun wedding pics.
the second almost gave me hives. it was on the other side of the missouri river so we had to cross a bridge. not sure i've mentioned it, but i really hate bridges. it was in this super quaint, cute little historic area of the burbs, that had kind of a sappy sweet vibe. but when we were walking through the actual venue, i almost went into cardiac arrest. it felt claustrophobic and constricting. and so very ordinary. not to mention that it was nearly double the price of the first place we saw.
and that was when i lost my shit. i mean, tears, drama, the whole stupid girl thing. and i feel bad for my fiance because he liked the place that made me throw up in my mouth. the thing is, this whole wedding thing, it's just not me. don't get me wrong, i want to marry my fiance, and i want to have a super fun day with our families and besties, and capture every amazing moment in photos. but some big show that's more about everyone else than it is us, i don't want that. and neither does the person i'm marrying.
i just don't know how or when we're going to figure out what, where, and when is right for us. we're less than six months from our august-ish goal, and haven't really settled on anything. we are leaning toward a weekend - the one when the cubs are in town (oh what fun that would be!), but as far as a decision. nada.
oh woes us.
~k
11 February 2011
i'm back...
i can't believe it's been almost a month since i've been here. that has to be a record for me. and what a month it's been!
being unemployed is a lot busier than you might think. i mean, don't get me wrong, it doesn't suck, but it's not very relaxing either. i'll admit that i've blown a few hours here and there watching tv and reading, and maybe even sleeping too much now and again, but packing, moving, unpacking, and getting organized is a nightmare. fer reals, if i move again i will seriously consider burning it all before putting it back into boxes. but i'm here, the rest of my life here, and i really like it. a lot.
for starters, i get to wake up next to and fall asleep with my favoritest person every single day. i get to live in a big, beautiful house with lots of peace and quiet, and i can't believe how refreshing it is to be back in the midst of mid-westerners. people are genuine here. and genuinely nice. i've no doubt i'll meet my fair share of douchebags in st louis, but it'll be more like 1 in 10 than 1 in 2, and i'm pretty stoked about those odds. and whilst i definitely live in the bum fucked suburbs, the city is close enough to be convenient while still being far away enough to be a novelty. and my fiance got me my new york times :)
where i read every day about what's happening in egypt, and the fire spreading all over the middle east. and i pray to whatever god will listen that it continues to spread until all the autocrats fall, so that people all over that region can take control of their own destinies. because once that happens, the zealousness that breeds violence will begin to lessen, those who turn to extremism will find fewer and fewer reasons to do so and fewer and fewer places to turn. and the rest of egypt (or tunisia, or syria, or jordan), run by and for its people, will not allow terrorists to threaten its new found freedom. the united states can go in and start wars and force our values on a conquered people. or we can wait until those people have a fire in their bellies to do it for themselves, to fight, bleed, and die for freedom. and only then do we win. because it's only then that we _all_ win.
~k
being unemployed is a lot busier than you might think. i mean, don't get me wrong, it doesn't suck, but it's not very relaxing either. i'll admit that i've blown a few hours here and there watching tv and reading, and maybe even sleeping too much now and again, but packing, moving, unpacking, and getting organized is a nightmare. fer reals, if i move again i will seriously consider burning it all before putting it back into boxes. but i'm here, the rest of my life here, and i really like it. a lot.
for starters, i get to wake up next to and fall asleep with my favoritest person every single day. i get to live in a big, beautiful house with lots of peace and quiet, and i can't believe how refreshing it is to be back in the midst of mid-westerners. people are genuine here. and genuinely nice. i've no doubt i'll meet my fair share of douchebags in st louis, but it'll be more like 1 in 10 than 1 in 2, and i'm pretty stoked about those odds. and whilst i definitely live in the bum fucked suburbs, the city is close enough to be convenient while still being far away enough to be a novelty. and my fiance got me my new york times :)
where i read every day about what's happening in egypt, and the fire spreading all over the middle east. and i pray to whatever god will listen that it continues to spread until all the autocrats fall, so that people all over that region can take control of their own destinies. because once that happens, the zealousness that breeds violence will begin to lessen, those who turn to extremism will find fewer and fewer reasons to do so and fewer and fewer places to turn. and the rest of egypt (or tunisia, or syria, or jordan), run by and for its people, will not allow terrorists to threaten its new found freedom. the united states can go in and start wars and force our values on a conquered people. or we can wait until those people have a fire in their bellies to do it for themselves, to fight, bleed, and die for freedom. and only then do we win. because it's only then that we _all_ win.
~k
15 January 2011
fishies and their ponds
i've been thinking a lot about why my tour de DC has been such a failure, and though there are many contributing factors, i think i've concluded that, in a grander scheme of things, i'd rather be a big fish in a small pond than the other way around.
i loved being in politics in california. it felt like there weren't that many of us, and our opportunities to reach into the hearts and minds of people kept bringing us all back together. i loved that sense of community i shared with my fellow organizers, and the feeling that i was making a difference. it was my life in a small pond.
DC, on the other hand, is an ocean of world changers, each bringing individual talents, interests, knowledge, and passion for something. there's someone here passionate about every imaginable issue. but my passion doesn't feel so inspired here. i've never been able to take that first step into the fray here, and i don't think it's because i 've been afraid, i think it's because i just didn't want it. i didn't want it to consume my whole life. it's just too big here.
and that stuff (politics, foreign policy, the truman project, current events) matters to me a lot. it defines a large part of who i am, and it troubles me that i've watched it all lose its verve the past seven months. sorta makes me feel like i'm not being me anymore. and i like me way too much (as we all know) to stop being passionate about things that matter to me.
by learning this about myself, it doesn't seem so much a failure anymore. more like a lesson in where i belong. making my waves in a small pond.
~k
i loved being in politics in california. it felt like there weren't that many of us, and our opportunities to reach into the hearts and minds of people kept bringing us all back together. i loved that sense of community i shared with my fellow organizers, and the feeling that i was making a difference. it was my life in a small pond.
DC, on the other hand, is an ocean of world changers, each bringing individual talents, interests, knowledge, and passion for something. there's someone here passionate about every imaginable issue. but my passion doesn't feel so inspired here. i've never been able to take that first step into the fray here, and i don't think it's because i 've been afraid, i think it's because i just didn't want it. i didn't want it to consume my whole life. it's just too big here.
and that stuff (politics, foreign policy, the truman project, current events) matters to me a lot. it defines a large part of who i am, and it troubles me that i've watched it all lose its verve the past seven months. sorta makes me feel like i'm not being me anymore. and i like me way too much (as we all know) to stop being passionate about things that matter to me.
by learning this about myself, it doesn't seem so much a failure anymore. more like a lesson in where i belong. making my waves in a small pond.
~k
14 January 2011
ritualism
i think i've mentioned that i'm moving, but i don't know that i've mentioned that i'm moving beyond the reach of the ny times.
i didn't know this, of course, until yesterday. i was calling around to update my address (i always like to start with those publication-types as it takes them a few weeks to get the change in the system), and i was informed by the ny times that they don't deliver to my new address. and whilst that might not seem like much more than a minor inconvenience in the grand scheme of things, i started bawling.
it might be easy to blame the breakdown on all the craziness i've been through the past coupla weeks, that maybe i just needed a straw to break the tear dam, but i think it's more than that. since i've been on my own, the ny times has been on my stoop every sunday morning, whether rain or shine, los angeles or washington, here or there or anywhere. i look the whole week forward to my sunday mornings with my coffee, meet the press, and my ny times.
i love the way the paper smells, the way i feel pulling it apart and lining up the sections in the order i'll read (starting _always_ with the 'week in review'), the smudges it leaves on my hands, and that distinct weight, shape, and feel of the ny times. i have even grown fond of battling the damn thing when it won't turn pages as i'd like.
and even though i don't always get through the whole paper, there's just something about that piece of my sunday morning ritual i'm not ready to let go of.
~k
p.s. my fiance hasn't given up. and neither have i.
i didn't know this, of course, until yesterday. i was calling around to update my address (i always like to start with those publication-types as it takes them a few weeks to get the change in the system), and i was informed by the ny times that they don't deliver to my new address. and whilst that might not seem like much more than a minor inconvenience in the grand scheme of things, i started bawling.
it might be easy to blame the breakdown on all the craziness i've been through the past coupla weeks, that maybe i just needed a straw to break the tear dam, but i think it's more than that. since i've been on my own, the ny times has been on my stoop every sunday morning, whether rain or shine, los angeles or washington, here or there or anywhere. i look the whole week forward to my sunday mornings with my coffee, meet the press, and my ny times.
i love the way the paper smells, the way i feel pulling it apart and lining up the sections in the order i'll read (starting _always_ with the 'week in review'), the smudges it leaves on my hands, and that distinct weight, shape, and feel of the ny times. i have even grown fond of battling the damn thing when it won't turn pages as i'd like.
and even though i don't always get through the whole paper, there's just something about that piece of my sunday morning ritual i'm not ready to let go of.
~k
p.s. my fiance hasn't given up. and neither have i.
unemployment
i've now been unemployed for a week. and it really doesn't suck. except for the part where there's almost too much to do.
every day, i work out for an hour, piddle around doing personal stuff (like paying bills, updating my address, dealing with filing unemployment (not the easiest feat for a girl who spent the halves of last year in different "states"), getting ready to move), and i study for the GRE. all of which takes up the entirety of my work day, followed by a typical evening in the life of...
i just don't know how i got it all done while also working.
~k
every day, i work out for an hour, piddle around doing personal stuff (like paying bills, updating my address, dealing with filing unemployment (not the easiest feat for a girl who spent the halves of last year in different "states"), getting ready to move), and i study for the GRE. all of which takes up the entirety of my work day, followed by a typical evening in the life of...
i just don't know how i got it all done while also working.
~k
09 January 2011
ringing it in with dynamite
i started the first week of the new year getting engaged and ended it getting fired.
setting aside the melodrama, getting fired - whilst not a pleasant experience, really was the best thing that could have happened to me right now.
my fiance is in st louis starting our life without me. and i want to be with him. i thought i was trapped in DC (and we all know how happy i've been here) till my lease ended in june, or until i was able to save enough money that it wouldn't matter. but we were looking at being apart for months more whilst i continued fighting my district blues.
until the general and his side-kick came into my office this thursday past, to tell me "today is your last day at [anonymous former employer]". i was stunned. not quite speechless, i struggled to squeak out a "why?". they said they just didn't see a long term fit with me. and whilst the word "duh" did spring to mind, my poor little ego crashed to the floor. like, i can't believe they broke up with me. first. even though i've long known i was going to resign by spring anyway, it didn't take any of the sting out of the rejection.
but it's been a few days. so i'm past the shock, i think my ego will get away with only minor bruising, and in looking forward, i'm peering into the most amazing year of my life. i get to get out of DC, i get to go be with my love every day, and i finally get to have the life i want. i want to write more, love more, and focus more on things that matter while building something wonderful with the man of my dreams.
when the year started and he asked me to marry him, i was so happy i tried not to think about how much it was going to suck to spend the next several months without him, planning our wedding from afar, and watching him build our home via texted pictures. when the week ended, it meant our wait would instead be days. kinda proves that a miracle wrapped in shit is still a miracle.
~k
setting aside the melodrama, getting fired - whilst not a pleasant experience, really was the best thing that could have happened to me right now.
my fiance is in st louis starting our life without me. and i want to be with him. i thought i was trapped in DC (and we all know how happy i've been here) till my lease ended in june, or until i was able to save enough money that it wouldn't matter. but we were looking at being apart for months more whilst i continued fighting my district blues.
until the general and his side-kick came into my office this thursday past, to tell me "today is your last day at [anonymous former employer]". i was stunned. not quite speechless, i struggled to squeak out a "why?". they said they just didn't see a long term fit with me. and whilst the word "duh" did spring to mind, my poor little ego crashed to the floor. like, i can't believe they broke up with me. first. even though i've long known i was going to resign by spring anyway, it didn't take any of the sting out of the rejection.
but it's been a few days. so i'm past the shock, i think my ego will get away with only minor bruising, and in looking forward, i'm peering into the most amazing year of my life. i get to get out of DC, i get to go be with my love every day, and i finally get to have the life i want. i want to write more, love more, and focus more on things that matter while building something wonderful with the man of my dreams.
when the year started and he asked me to marry him, i was so happy i tried not to think about how much it was going to suck to spend the next several months without him, planning our wedding from afar, and watching him build our home via texted pictures. when the week ended, it meant our wait would instead be days. kinda proves that a miracle wrapped in shit is still a miracle.
~k
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