home

on a bright note, "i got 99 problems, but a bush ain't one..." (jay-z).

on a not so bright note, i'm home. that's not how this day was supposed to end. that's not how this trip was supposed to end. that's not how this journey was supposed to end. maybe i'm just exhausted, perhaps have a wee bit of jet lag, or maybe (gear up for the debbie downer moment) i feel like i left behind the greatest loves of my life when i bid a farely well to dc this morning, and they've gone and strewn themselves all back to the far corners from whence they came.

in the past nine days, i reconnected with team indiana (shit, they even put me on their news!), team california, many randoms from every tread in the trail, and all the new friends and old who managed to be in dc this past week. and as much as i love all of them (some more than others), it was that _the_ journey never felt over for me till i stepped out of lax tonight. and to be fair, maybe it's time to end this one, so i can actually set about beginning another. and maybe i put this off for as long as i could, and maybe i still don't feel ready to let go of what has been the greatest year of my life (a year that started with pneumonia and ended with our new president opening for jay-z).

maybe it's been fun peering through doors, feeling out opportunities, and not committing to anything or anyone, while riding out the waves of the post-election storm. maybe it's been fun running around the country on a mission to save the world, without stopping to appreciate the realities of life. and maybe it's time to think about trying to be a fucking grown up for a second, figure out some shit, maybe even stop fooling myself into thinking that i've been making decisions, when all i've been doing is flinging myself into an endless array of projects that lead to more projects, so's i could keep on avoiding the bigger questions of my life.

and maybe it's okay to just keep plugging along. maybe it's okay that i don't have a plan, can't seem to make one, or keep my mind stuck to anything that seems cool today, not so cool tomorrow. maybe i'm just an avid overthinker, incessantly mired in bullshit that doesn't matter, so much so that i find solace in missing the forest for the trees. and wasn't it my resolution this year to not make plans, to just roll with the punches, to just see what happens?

or maybe i am doing it, and just overthinking the details along the way because i'm feeling sad in ways i never really expected to feel today, missing a city i've only just begun to get to know, terribly missing people who have only just made their way into my life? or just looking for excuses as to why i feel more sadness than joy in returning to a home i love after being away for nine days?

or maybe it's just another day at the helm for a full-of-crap blogger...

~k