just a few minutes ago, my bff told me, "you're oozing self-confidence and magic right now". he's hardly unbiased and it's kind of his job to think i'm the greatest person in the world (though we'd both agree that he holds the moral superiority card for reasons i'm happy to enumerate, but can easily summarize in one example. when we're at a party and i say, "bff, i've had too much to drink and have to go home right now," he says, "okay, let's go" and we leave. when we're at a party and he says, "bff, i've had too much to drink and need to go home," i say, "call a cab".)
the thing is, i have my moments of not feeling the magic. it's kinda scary sometimes to wake up knowing i don't have a job, that the amount of money i have in the bank isn't all that much, that my life isn't exactly cheap, and that i'm running around the country on a campaign trail that will not result in a paycheck. it happened earlier this week and i freaked and had to burrow away in my little hole of refuge. and i know it's okay to freak out sometimes, cuz it makes me appreciate the magic all the better when i can step back and see just how magical my life is right now.
1) job-o-non
though it's a little bit scary when i think about running out of money without a job, lemme just tell y'all how amazing it is to sleep till noon every day, watch the heck out of political shows (and college basketball right now), blog to my little heart's content, and not even think twice about accepting offers to go "out" on weeknights. also, i love staying up late every night. i feel like an 8th grader on summer vacation.
2) team obama
when i first decided i wanted to join the campaign, i had my sight set on indiana. it's not just that indiana is going to play a role in this primary election, but my family is there. i want to hang with the family and do something meaningful for my country all at the same time. and it would be a total misrepresentation if i said, "this is falling into my lap," because i have been on the horn, on email, all over obama.com, making connections, reconnecting with my galveston team, pulling things together, kinda working my buns off to make this happen. but now that it's all coming together, it just feels magical. with nick's unwavering support and dedication to this effort, we have essentially rebuilt our galveston team for evansville for obama. and we are going to be amazing. and we're going to bring our magic to evansville (a city whose local team already exemplifies the magic i'm talking about).
3) getting a real job
i started applying for a day job immediately after i left biglaw. even though i wasn't sure i wanted to end up back in the corporate world, i needed to open doors and make sure i was leaving them open as my adventure unfolded. i may make some seemingly irresponsible choices, but i'm not dumb. and just because i wear rose-colored glasses every day of my life does not mean i am blind to the realities of life as a grown-up. i've been interviewing, have had some half-hearted meetings, and have had some truly wonderful doors open up.
4) finding the real me
having this time off has given me an opportunity to really get in touch with who i am and what i want out of life. a few months ago, i was so angry with the way my career was (not) developing, i was in doubt mode. i wasn't sure i wanted to stay in my field, wasn't sure i wanted to stay in my city, wasn't sure about much of anything. it's kinda crazy how much good a little bit of time off can be for the soul... cuz now i know.
i know i want to stay in my field, but that i want to build a program instead of maintaining something a predecessor has built. i want to stay in los angeles because i love it here. it's beautiful and neat-o and i love the smell of jasmine in random places. i love my friends, that my bff is right down the music box steps, and that my favorite boy is just a few winding roads away. i love being me, the best me i've ever been, and i love that i'm so in love with the adventure life has become.
so yeah, my bff is right. even though i sometimes have my doubts and can't always see it is so, i am oozing with self-confidence because i've never been happier with the me i've become. and i'm oozing with magic because all of my dreams are coming true, because i have the self confidence to believe that YES I CAN make them come true...
21 March 2008
18 March 2008
crybaby day on the music box steps
i woke up this morning, feeling the woes of the world atop my shoulders, the woes of my own world seemingly overwhelming, and an urgent need to burrow away in my little hole of refuge. i didn't sleep at home last night, so it was a race to beat my tears to my front door, and i only just made it, before sinking down into my couch and letting it all out (whatever "it" is). when i came up for a breather, i opened my computer, and had twenty emails about barack obama's speech on race from pennsylvania this morning.
when the whole ferrara bit began, people around me kept saying obama would do best by ignoring it and moving on. what? it's best to deal with real problems we each face every day of our lives, by sweeping them under the rug, by pretending they don't exist, by furthering the divide that creates the problems. i thought (and said), "hell no he won't" (as in do or say nothing). obama isn't the guy who runs away from a problem because it's scary. he's the guy that says (and i paraphrase using symbolism that means something to me), "yeah, i'm scared of heights. that's exactly why i'm going to the grand canyon to stand on the edge of a bazillion mile drop, and i'm going to look down." i'm going to be overwhelmed by every single nauseating, terrifying moment of that feeling i am falling, plummeting to a death so far below that i cannot even see it. you bet your ass that i'm going to make sure someone is there holding me so i don't actually fall, but i'm going to look fear in its face and i'm going to say, "fuck you!" (and i'll probably cry and freak out a bit cuz i am me and have flipper tendencies). but i'm going to do it. you know why? because i'm brave.
it's the same reason barack obama did what he did this morning. because he's brave. because for all america talks about how far it's come, "hey look, world, we have a woman and a black guy running for president. we're good." and yeah, we are good. that's amazing. we have a woman and a black man running for president. but it doesn't meant that all the reasons that kept a woman and a black man for running from president before this year, aren't still problems. it just happens that we have two very brave people, who happen to be a woman and a black man, telling racists, bigots, fear-mongerers, idiots, republicans, and the rest of us, "fuck you!" and of these two people, i hope that both but i know one of them is gonna deal the hand we all have to play to clean up the messes of our forefathers and father time.
and we can. and we will. why? because we are americans! we spilled our blood to build a country the rest of the world would want to follow. we spilled our blood again to extend the "idea" of freedom to everyone who lived here. and i know there are idiots out there who believe that we are spilling our blood now in furtherance of "freedom" (i'm just wise enough to know that george bush and his other greedy friends don't give a shit about freedom (see patriot act) and that iraq is about texas tea). the bottom line is that we'd all agree that we spill our blood for what's right (or at least mean to). and putting an end to the racial divide is right. and it needs to start happening RIGHT NOW!
the world has become so politically correct, we've muzzled ourselves so as not to offend. but what's that done? i'll tell you what it's done. it's ended conversations, it's nipped positive banter in the bud, it's allowed our desegregation to flourish under the guise of protection.
look, we're all messed up, we all need something to blame, someone to blame. so we segregate ourselves into little groups, focus on what makes us different, and we blame each other for those differences. and until we stop focusing on the negative differences, we won't stop giving each other reasons to blame each other. we won't realize that it's all about our personal choice, and that which divides us will continue and grow in width and depth.
i, personally, am not a blamer. my problems are all my own doing and will have to be undone by me. i don't need to blame my friends or my enemies, my family, rich white people, or all the minorities in the ghetto for my problems. cuz they're mine. i made my choices, sometimes they turned out to have not been great choices and i have to do a whole lot of cleaning, but sometimes they turn out better than anything i could ever have imagined. i'm lucky to know this. i'm lucky to know i can and do own my own destiny. and it breaks my heart to know that so many people in america and the world do not know they possess the power of choice. that they blame others for their lot in life because there's never been a chance for it to be any other way. they don't know they have a choice. and they will never know they possess such power unless those of us in possession show them the way.
problem is, we've been scared off those who call themselves "realists", scared off by those who mockingly call us dreamers, who tell us the world can't change, no one wants it to change, no one wants to walk the walk when talking the talk gets you as far as you need to be. and even though there are those of us who don't want to believe that's what's really real (and we cling to hope like its the last thing we've got), we're too unsure to convince others to believe as we do. and the fire of hope flickers on a low flame until someone great comes along and ignites us. someone great who believes in themselves enough to spread that message of power. someone great who believes in all of us and empowers us to do what we can. someone who isn't too afraid to step up to strongholds on long-held fears, and say, "fuck you!" by saying something like, "YES WE CAN!"
well, you know what? he did it again today. barack obama went on television, told the world he loved a man and stood by him, in spite of his faults. he chose to keep his friend when the rest of the political world and media thought it more appropriate to throw rev. wright under the bus, just because the man says it when he is pissed off at the realities of racism, ignorance, poverty, and glass ceilings. barack obama stood up and told all of us, "YES YOU CAN". let's acknowlede it. let's talk about. this racial divide we cling to, out of the very fear many of us decry, hurts the hell out of this country. it encourages us to sweep our problems, our fears, our anger and disappointments under the rug, to smile at the world while dying on the inside. that's dumb, and it's time to talk and it's time to walk and it's time to unite ourselves toward a greater america we can all love and be proud of. he's right, it ain't gonna happen overnight. but he's also right that, yes, we can do this.
when the whole ferrara bit began, people around me kept saying obama would do best by ignoring it and moving on. what? it's best to deal with real problems we each face every day of our lives, by sweeping them under the rug, by pretending they don't exist, by furthering the divide that creates the problems. i thought (and said), "hell no he won't" (as in do or say nothing). obama isn't the guy who runs away from a problem because it's scary. he's the guy that says (and i paraphrase using symbolism that means something to me), "yeah, i'm scared of heights. that's exactly why i'm going to the grand canyon to stand on the edge of a bazillion mile drop, and i'm going to look down." i'm going to be overwhelmed by every single nauseating, terrifying moment of that feeling i am falling, plummeting to a death so far below that i cannot even see it. you bet your ass that i'm going to make sure someone is there holding me so i don't actually fall, but i'm going to look fear in its face and i'm going to say, "fuck you!" (and i'll probably cry and freak out a bit cuz i am me and have flipper tendencies). but i'm going to do it. you know why? because i'm brave.
it's the same reason barack obama did what he did this morning. because he's brave. because for all america talks about how far it's come, "hey look, world, we have a woman and a black guy running for president. we're good." and yeah, we are good. that's amazing. we have a woman and a black man running for president. but it doesn't meant that all the reasons that kept a woman and a black man for running from president before this year, aren't still problems. it just happens that we have two very brave people, who happen to be a woman and a black man, telling racists, bigots, fear-mongerers, idiots, republicans, and the rest of us, "fuck you!" and of these two people, i hope that both but i know one of them is gonna deal the hand we all have to play to clean up the messes of our forefathers and father time.
and we can. and we will. why? because we are americans! we spilled our blood to build a country the rest of the world would want to follow. we spilled our blood again to extend the "idea" of freedom to everyone who lived here. and i know there are idiots out there who believe that we are spilling our blood now in furtherance of "freedom" (i'm just wise enough to know that george bush and his other greedy friends don't give a shit about freedom (see patriot act) and that iraq is about texas tea). the bottom line is that we'd all agree that we spill our blood for what's right (or at least mean to). and putting an end to the racial divide is right. and it needs to start happening RIGHT NOW!
the world has become so politically correct, we've muzzled ourselves so as not to offend. but what's that done? i'll tell you what it's done. it's ended conversations, it's nipped positive banter in the bud, it's allowed our desegregation to flourish under the guise of protection.
look, we're all messed up, we all need something to blame, someone to blame. so we segregate ourselves into little groups, focus on what makes us different, and we blame each other for those differences. and until we stop focusing on the negative differences, we won't stop giving each other reasons to blame each other. we won't realize that it's all about our personal choice, and that which divides us will continue and grow in width and depth.
i, personally, am not a blamer. my problems are all my own doing and will have to be undone by me. i don't need to blame my friends or my enemies, my family, rich white people, or all the minorities in the ghetto for my problems. cuz they're mine. i made my choices, sometimes they turned out to have not been great choices and i have to do a whole lot of cleaning, but sometimes they turn out better than anything i could ever have imagined. i'm lucky to know this. i'm lucky to know i can and do own my own destiny. and it breaks my heart to know that so many people in america and the world do not know they possess the power of choice. that they blame others for their lot in life because there's never been a chance for it to be any other way. they don't know they have a choice. and they will never know they possess such power unless those of us in possession show them the way.
problem is, we've been scared off those who call themselves "realists", scared off by those who mockingly call us dreamers, who tell us the world can't change, no one wants it to change, no one wants to walk the walk when talking the talk gets you as far as you need to be. and even though there are those of us who don't want to believe that's what's really real (and we cling to hope like its the last thing we've got), we're too unsure to convince others to believe as we do. and the fire of hope flickers on a low flame until someone great comes along and ignites us. someone great who believes in themselves enough to spread that message of power. someone great who believes in all of us and empowers us to do what we can. someone who isn't too afraid to step up to strongholds on long-held fears, and say, "fuck you!" by saying something like, "YES WE CAN!"
well, you know what? he did it again today. barack obama went on television, told the world he loved a man and stood by him, in spite of his faults. he chose to keep his friend when the rest of the political world and media thought it more appropriate to throw rev. wright under the bus, just because the man says it when he is pissed off at the realities of racism, ignorance, poverty, and glass ceilings. barack obama stood up and told all of us, "YES YOU CAN". let's acknowlede it. let's talk about. this racial divide we cling to, out of the very fear many of us decry, hurts the hell out of this country. it encourages us to sweep our problems, our fears, our anger and disappointments under the rug, to smile at the world while dying on the inside. that's dumb, and it's time to talk and it's time to walk and it's time to unite ourselves toward a greater america we can all love and be proud of. he's right, it ain't gonna happen overnight. but he's also right that, yes, we can do this.
16 March 2008
“love”
i helped my bff set up his facebook page tonight (he has finally joined the over-information age) and, in doing so, kinda took a once over of my own. i was a wee surprised to see how often love comes up on my page (though i probably shouldn’t have been). it’s in my quotes, my movies, my music, my pictures. it’s kind of in my everywhere, facebook and otherwise. it’s cuz it’s love and that’s what makes my world go round and round and sometimes even upside down.
google love and it hits “about 1,930,000,000” times. “i’m feeling lucky” leads straight to wikipedia where klimt’s “the kiss” highlights the romantic side of love. capturing the beauty of the emotion, klimt portrays a pair of golden lovers, tangled up in each other, in the throes of a passionate embrace. her longing leaps from the canvas while the absence of his face, buried in the neck of his lover, says more than even his face could. dictionary.com offers 28 definitions of love…
nothing in my life has caused greater pain or greater moments of joy, from my friends, family, and lovers alike. my unwavering belief in love’s role in my life has been the source of the greatest disappointments and the most wondrous surprises and i guess that shouldn’t really be any mystery, all things considered. used as an excuse for grisly murders and a reason for grand acts of generosity since the beginning of time, at the root of new beginnings and terrible endings, and the subject of history’s greatest tales and most celebrated war stories is love.
everyone has something to say about love and, whether it be gentle in nature or the thunderous roar at the heart of a revolution, all seem to agree that, “all [we] need is love”:
• che guevarra said that, “the true revolutionary is guided by a great feeling of love”.
• through the voice of helen, shakeseare told us, “love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind”.
• demarco said that love was the only answer to questions of value in life.
• plato noted that, “at the touch of love everyone becomes a poet”.
• the scottish playwrite sir james barrie said of love, “if you have it, you don't need to have anything else, and if you don't have it, it doesn't matter much what else you have”.
• and even joseph conrad left us with, "woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love - and to put its trust in life".
while the cynics mock love, the romantics revel in it; while the young and lucky know nothing but love, the battered and unlucky sneer when love manifests. though it ain’t always great, love has touched us all and always will. though some of us will never really give love a second chance, some of us will try with all our might to believe in love again. and then there are those of us who will jump back in with reckless abandon, even after strolling about the doldrums of love’s most desperate hours.
i want to be that girl, the one who jumps back in with reckless abandon. but i cannot seem to direct my fear into complete submission. for all the wonderful love is, has been, and can be, it also terrifies the shit out of me. i mean, it’s not really love itself that terrifies. it’s the fear that having faith in love will blow up in my face and i don’t know how i’d fare with another burn.
cuz i’ve been burned like a mother fucker, have blindly believed in the words of a liar i would have laid down my own life to defend, and though the scars may continue to fade, time will never erase them away completely. even though i see love everywhere i look, feel it in every breath i take, in every choice i make, in every friend i have, and in every direction i choose to glimpse at my future, i’m still scared it will destroy me if i’m forced to endure the agony of its failure again. the thing is, i know i want love more than i’m scared of it. i want to believe in it. i have to believe it can and will be better than it’s ever been, even if i am scared. near to death…
google love and it hits “about 1,930,000,000” times. “i’m feeling lucky” leads straight to wikipedia where klimt’s “the kiss” highlights the romantic side of love. capturing the beauty of the emotion, klimt portrays a pair of golden lovers, tangled up in each other, in the throes of a passionate embrace. her longing leaps from the canvas while the absence of his face, buried in the neck of his lover, says more than even his face could. dictionary.com offers 28 definitions of love…
nothing in my life has caused greater pain or greater moments of joy, from my friends, family, and lovers alike. my unwavering belief in love’s role in my life has been the source of the greatest disappointments and the most wondrous surprises and i guess that shouldn’t really be any mystery, all things considered. used as an excuse for grisly murders and a reason for grand acts of generosity since the beginning of time, at the root of new beginnings and terrible endings, and the subject of history’s greatest tales and most celebrated war stories is love.
everyone has something to say about love and, whether it be gentle in nature or the thunderous roar at the heart of a revolution, all seem to agree that, “all [we] need is love”:
• che guevarra said that, “the true revolutionary is guided by a great feeling of love”.
• through the voice of helen, shakeseare told us, “love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind”.
• demarco said that love was the only answer to questions of value in life.
• plato noted that, “at the touch of love everyone becomes a poet”.
• the scottish playwrite sir james barrie said of love, “if you have it, you don't need to have anything else, and if you don't have it, it doesn't matter much what else you have”.
• and even joseph conrad left us with, "woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love - and to put its trust in life".
while the cynics mock love, the romantics revel in it; while the young and lucky know nothing but love, the battered and unlucky sneer when love manifests. though it ain’t always great, love has touched us all and always will. though some of us will never really give love a second chance, some of us will try with all our might to believe in love again. and then there are those of us who will jump back in with reckless abandon, even after strolling about the doldrums of love’s most desperate hours.
i want to be that girl, the one who jumps back in with reckless abandon. but i cannot seem to direct my fear into complete submission. for all the wonderful love is, has been, and can be, it also terrifies the shit out of me. i mean, it’s not really love itself that terrifies. it’s the fear that having faith in love will blow up in my face and i don’t know how i’d fare with another burn.
cuz i’ve been burned like a mother fucker, have blindly believed in the words of a liar i would have laid down my own life to defend, and though the scars may continue to fade, time will never erase them away completely. even though i see love everywhere i look, feel it in every breath i take, in every choice i make, in every friend i have, and in every direction i choose to glimpse at my future, i’m still scared it will destroy me if i’m forced to endure the agony of its failure again. the thing is, i know i want love more than i’m scared of it. i want to believe in it. i have to believe it can and will be better than it’s ever been, even if i am scared. near to death…
14 March 2008
the truth about senator obama (copied from daily kos)
As enthusiastic volunteers in the Barack Obama campaign for the Presidency, we have put together a list of facts about Barack so that you will know the truth about him. Please follow the links we have included for documentation of these facts. If you value the truth as we do, please spread this information via email, blog, or any other means, to everyone you know.
- Did you know that Barack Obama is a devout Christian? He has been a member of the same United Church of Christ congregation for 20 years, and was married there to his wife Michelle in 1992.
- Did you know that Barack Obama often leads the US Senate in the Pledge of Allegiance?
- Did you know that Barack Obama is a strong friend of Israel and has spoken out strongly against anti-Semitism?
- Did you know his grandparents from Kansas were part of the "Greatest Generation?. His grandfather served with Patton's Army during World War II, and his grandmother, a real "Rosy the Riveter", worked in a bomber assembly plant back home.
- Did you know that Barack Obama was opposed to the war in Iraq from day one, before we invaded, even while he was running for the Senate, and knowing his opposition might be politically unpopular?
"I know that even a successful war against Iraq will require a U.S. occupation of undetermined length, at undetermined cost, with undetermined consequences. I know that an invasion of Iraq without a clear rationale and without strong international support will only fan the flames of the Middle East and encourage the worst, rather than best, impulses of the Arab world and strengthen the recruitment arm of al Qaeda. I am not opposed to all wars. I'm opposed to dumb wars." --Barack Obama, 2002
- Did you know Obama favors transparency over secrecy in our government? Did you know that Obama worked with Republican Senator Tom Coburn to pass one of the strongest government transparency bills since the freedom of information act? He's calling it Google for Government and you can see the results at www.usaspending.gov. Sen. Obama has also released his own tax returnsfor public review.
- Did you know that after graduating with honors from Harvard Law School, Barack practiced civil rights law and also taught Constitutional Law for 10 years at the University of Chicago, one of the nation's best law schools, where he was consistently rated by his students as one of their best instructors? Did you also know that he was the first African-American elected president of the prestigious Harvard Law Review?
- Did you know that Barack Obama is an outspoken advocate for women's rights and has been a principled defender of the civil rights of women?
- Did you know that despite the grueling schedule of running for President, Senator Obama remains a devoted family man, making time to do things like pick out a Christmas tree with his wife and two young daughters, or hurrying home to spend Valentine's Day with them? Did you know he hasn't missed a single parent-teacher conference while running for President?
- Did you know that Barack Obama has a stellar environmental record, including having the highest rating from the League of Conservation Voters (96%) of any Presidential candidate, Democrat or Republican?
- Did you know that Barack Obama has been an elected legislator longer than Senator Clinton?
- Did you know that Barack is a member of all of these Senate Committees: Foreign Relations; Veteran's Affairs; Health, Education, Labor & Pensions; Homeland Security and Government Affairs?
- Did you know that Senator Obama has sponsored or co-sponsored 15 bills that have become law, and has introduced amendments to 50 bills, of which 16 were adopted since he joined the Senate in 2005?
- Did you know that Senator Obama sponsored legislation working together with Indiana Republican Senator Richard Lugar, to keep Americans safe by keeping dangerous weapons out of terrorist hands? The two senators also visited the former Soviet Union to inspect the decommissioning of nuclear weapons. Sen. Lugar said of Sen. Obama, "He does have a sense of idealism and principled leadership, a vision of the future."
- Did you know that Barack Obama is the only candidate running for president who voted against using cluster bombs in Iraq and the only candidate who supports banning the use of landmines?
- Did you know that, as an Illinois state senator, Barack Obama succeeded in passing legislation requiring the videotaping of police interrogations, gaining the respect and support not only of fellow legislators but that of the police, who had initially opposed the legislation?
- Did you know that Theodore Roosevelt, Grover Cleveland, Ulysses S. Grant, John F. Kennedy, and Bill Clinton were all younger when they took office than Barack Obama will be?
During election season many emails are circulated about the candidates. Some are true, some aren't. It's often difficult to determine the truth. We encourage you to visit the following non-partisan sites that do a good job of fact checking the candidates.
10 March 2008
and it was only yesterday i knew without uncertainty
i left on my campaign adventure with a thousand questions i hoped to answer, questions about me, my life, who i am, where i am, where i should be, where i want to be. i had hoped to answer many of these questions while on my adventure, though i’m finding that the answers are falling into my lap as i reflect upon my life before, during, and since.
i know i was only gone a few days. my campaign adventure (so far) was only five days. but in those five days, i lived completely outside of my element. i was in a strange city, staying in the home of a stranger, with strange weather (my hair was a frizzy, unmanageable mess), people i didn’t know at every turn. i was far away from home, working side-by-side with complete strangers (amazing people as they were - mostly), doing tasks i’d never done and filling a role i’d never filled. my “bosses” were 23 and 24 (check that!). my life for those few days revolved around anything and everything but me (save a few minor incidents) and it seems to be that i find my best perspective of me when looking in from the outside.
one of my biggest questions was and is, “where do i belong”? my dad often asks if i’m moving back to the midwest to be closer to my family. i have always answered him with a certainty i never really felt, “absolutely not.” in truth, i’ve thought about it. in truth, i’ve thought about it a lot since my time in galveston. there is something incredibly appealing about moving to a small rural area where things move at a slower pace. where opportunity does not exist outside of our own ability to make things happen (and i think we’d all agree that i excel in the “making shit happen” department). i’ve thought about moving back, opening a small law office (ugh, even taking another bar exam) to deal with the issues of the local consumers, possibly getting involved in local politics, maybe teaching a couple of classes at a community college. i’ve thought about it. i have thought about trying to see myself in that slower, more constant, predictable, simpler life. i’ve wondered if i can be as happy there as i am here. and i’ll likely never stop wondering…
but…
last night, i got home at about 8:00. it was still beautiful, a chill had only begun to creep into the air, and the scent of jasmine overwhelmed my senses and me. as i walked down my bumpy road to the music box steps, the "where" question answered itself. this is my home. this is where i belong. this is where i want to be.
sure, i might follow this campaign trail to and through the rural midwest, i might have a few moments of nostalgic wonder, i might even try to grasp onto the happiness within simplicity. but that’s not who i am. i revel in the rat race. i love los angeles. for all its wonder and all its faults, los angeles is my home. my friends are here, my heart is here, my life is here. this is my home. and i will be coming back here to resume my life.
in the meantime, however, team obama, i am yours to do with as you please ;)
this blog cross posted at daily kos
i know i was only gone a few days. my campaign adventure (so far) was only five days. but in those five days, i lived completely outside of my element. i was in a strange city, staying in the home of a stranger, with strange weather (my hair was a frizzy, unmanageable mess), people i didn’t know at every turn. i was far away from home, working side-by-side with complete strangers (amazing people as they were - mostly), doing tasks i’d never done and filling a role i’d never filled. my “bosses” were 23 and 24 (check that!). my life for those few days revolved around anything and everything but me (save a few minor incidents) and it seems to be that i find my best perspective of me when looking in from the outside.
one of my biggest questions was and is, “where do i belong”? my dad often asks if i’m moving back to the midwest to be closer to my family. i have always answered him with a certainty i never really felt, “absolutely not.” in truth, i’ve thought about it. in truth, i’ve thought about it a lot since my time in galveston. there is something incredibly appealing about moving to a small rural area where things move at a slower pace. where opportunity does not exist outside of our own ability to make things happen (and i think we’d all agree that i excel in the “making shit happen” department). i’ve thought about moving back, opening a small law office (ugh, even taking another bar exam) to deal with the issues of the local consumers, possibly getting involved in local politics, maybe teaching a couple of classes at a community college. i’ve thought about it. i have thought about trying to see myself in that slower, more constant, predictable, simpler life. i’ve wondered if i can be as happy there as i am here. and i’ll likely never stop wondering…
but…
last night, i got home at about 8:00. it was still beautiful, a chill had only begun to creep into the air, and the scent of jasmine overwhelmed my senses and me. as i walked down my bumpy road to the music box steps, the "where" question answered itself. this is my home. this is where i belong. this is where i want to be.
sure, i might follow this campaign trail to and through the rural midwest, i might have a few moments of nostalgic wonder, i might even try to grasp onto the happiness within simplicity. but that’s not who i am. i revel in the rat race. i love los angeles. for all its wonder and all its faults, los angeles is my home. my friends are here, my heart is here, my life is here. this is my home. and i will be coming back here to resume my life.
in the meantime, however, team obama, i am yours to do with as you please ;)
this blog cross posted at daily kos
07 March 2008
early reflections of my first campaign
i have never felt exhaustion such as this. i hurt in places i didn’t even know existed and i’m going to spend most of this weekend sleeping. next week, i’m on the phone with obama for america to find my next destination (or make my next destination). between naps this weekend, i have no doubt i will be reflecting a great deal on the events and experience of the past week, in my first campaign adventure, and more is sure to follow.
first and foremost, i’ve seen the absolute worst and the absolute best in people. i met hundreds of people, from all types of backgrounds: race, socio-economic, religious, gender, sexual orientation, political. i met and spoke with racists and hard right gop’s. i met and spoke with elderly african americans whose faith in this movement still moves me to tears. i met young people, old people (including a bitch who left me in texas), middle-aged people, children, and even dogs who believe in obama and what he can do for america.
i worked long and crazy hours side-by-side with a most wonderful group of campaigners (many of which are in the photo above. oh, and by the way, we had all been up for at least 24 hours when that photo was taken). fortunately for me, most of them actually live in los angeles so we’ll keep on a keepin’ on by meeting for pow-wow phone banking sessions, future campaign spots (hopefully evansville, indiana), happy hours, and maybe one or two not so happy hours.
rachel was the first person i saw when i arrived at headquarters. she was a constant and reliable resource and possesses more energy than any human being i know. her darling brother, russell, a jewelry hunter, was always cracking jokes while crunching the numbers that kept us all happy. lauren’s wisdom, patience, and love far surpasses that of a woman who celebrated her 23rd birthday in the midst of the madness. joe was always ready to fix any problem, no matter how far the drive, and introduced me to andrew sullivan. gail left me in texas. shayne is the reason i did this and i’ll never let him forget it. dan and his cutie patootie chicago accent is taking a break from the campaign (he’s been going and going and going). aaron is going to remember me for the rest of his life for a gift that, “made [his] month”. harlen helped me find answers to so many questions i had hoped to find while on this journey. sassy kathryn is a force to be reckoned with and i hope she stays on the campaign before returning to tv. victoria’s patience has inspired me to try to be better at it. maya’s signs and terrific humor kept me rallying when the need for a nap reared its ugly head. liz was my co-pilot in the big church van and shared my awe with the caucus at precinct 331. nick the economist, and already my friend, will most certainly be my sidekick in future campaigns. brookey, please stay in my life forever. and karsh. karsh has my poster and my unwavering admiration for the way he handled and drove the campaign in galveston; never given a dime by the campaign and selflessly donating his money, time, energy, and leadership, karsh was the heart of galveston for obama. thank you all for making this the most incredible adventure of my life. i will never forget you.
i’ve said it a dozen times already and i’ll likely say it a dozen more, i could not have been happier in galveston. it is home to the most wonderful, generous, kind, friendly, and happy people i have ever met in my life. though riddled with poverty and pockets of bigotry, the island is full of people who still see the world through rose-colored glasses (like me). they have inspired me with their devotion, hope, and kindness. they keep me believing, even after the disappointing results this week, that yes we can!
05 March 2008
i still can't believe the bitch left me in texas!
okay, i still cannot believe i was left in texas. i mean, really, who fucking does that?
i have spent the last several days working my ass off, getting almost no sleep, campaigning, running errands, knocking on doors, making phone calls, helping to make things happen. the only difficulty in all of this has been dealing with my cohort - who was rude, adverse,
unfocused, and a giant pain in my ass. and for those of you who know me, you know i do not fare well in situations where i am being attacked, especially when the attack is unprovoked and unjust.
and the bitch left me 1600 miles away from home without the simple courtesy of notice, even by way of a written letter. not that it would have made me feel much better to wake up to some farewell letter, but to say nothing at all, to just leave me wondering if she was off for a snack and would shortly return to begin our long journey home... who fucking does that?
now that it has worked itself out (a most generous and kind local photographer gave me a plane ticket to get home tomorrow), i am trying to look back to see where, when, and how she decided she'd just fuck me over without even a whisper of a hint. and i can't figure it out. yes, we have had our disagreements, and yes, there has been some tension, but again i ask myself (and you), what the fuck?
one of our last heated disagreements, in the wake of my very painful coffee burn (all down my chest which has been red and irritated since sunday), resulted in my pointed dictum that though i felt incredibly sorry for her husband for the abuse she showers atop his weary soul (remember, folks, i spent several days in a car with a woman who yelled at her husband, berated him, and spoke down to him as though he were some petulant child - over the phone in front of a complete stranger. god only knows what she says to him and how she treats him when no one else is around.), i was not going to act as his stand-in just because she needed to treat someone like shit.
she went on to tell me that the reason we don't get along is because we're too much alike. i am the first to admit that my list of faults is by no means short and i would never try to debunk any claim that i have a seriously short fuse on my temper and don't always use the best of judgment in situations where we'd all be better off if i could better bite my tongue, but i am nothing like her. she is disrespectful, grandiose, and so incredibly jealous of me that she couldn't stand the thought of having to spend three more days with me...
the past couple of days, i made a concerted effort to put some distance between us. i found my own way to and from headquarters, managed to get assigned to tasks that did not involve her, and only saw her in passing. i was cordial (friendly even), rarely spoke ill of her except to mention laughingly that she was a handful (even though she was clearly annoying others who asked me how awful it was to work with her), and i just let her be - even when she was chiding me unnecessarily. and then last night...
i was at headquarters till about midnight (she went "home" before i even returned from precinct 331's caucus), after which a large group of us went out for drinks. we were having a blast, drinking, laughing, taking pictures, she randomly showed up at the bar, all made up, looking sassy and ready to tear up the town. i complimented her immediately and told her to come join the party. then i turned back to the lively conversation i was in and never saw her again.
ya know, i always got the impression that she was envious when i was surrounded by people, laughing and having a good time. and when she tried to immerse herself, we all adjusted and brought her in, but it was different, more awkward, the energy changed, she tried to make it about her (and dammit, i want it to be about me - just kidding). i can't help it that i'm outoing, people like me, and i like people. people and me, we're a good match. people and my cohort, not a good match and she'd be the first to tell you as much.
the good news is that i never have to see her again, that i don't have to sit in her company, in a car, for three days, traveling 1600 miles across america's southwest. the good news is that i'm so much better off for being left behind. i know this. i feel it. i agree with it every single time someone says it. but i still can't get my arms around what kind of a person would leave their passenger stranded 1600 miles away from home without even a note. i'll say it again, who fucking does that?
(this blog cross posted at daily kos http://www.dailykos.com/story/2008/3/6/01941/31047/644/470229)
i have spent the last several days working my ass off, getting almost no sleep, campaigning, running errands, knocking on doors, making phone calls, helping to make things happen. the only difficulty in all of this has been dealing with my cohort - who was rude, adverse,
unfocused, and a giant pain in my ass. and for those of you who know me, you know i do not fare well in situations where i am being attacked, especially when the attack is unprovoked and unjust.
and the bitch left me 1600 miles away from home without the simple courtesy of notice, even by way of a written letter. not that it would have made me feel much better to wake up to some farewell letter, but to say nothing at all, to just leave me wondering if she was off for a snack and would shortly return to begin our long journey home... who fucking does that?
now that it has worked itself out (a most generous and kind local photographer gave me a plane ticket to get home tomorrow), i am trying to look back to see where, when, and how she decided she'd just fuck me over without even a whisper of a hint. and i can't figure it out. yes, we have had our disagreements, and yes, there has been some tension, but again i ask myself (and you), what the fuck?
one of our last heated disagreements, in the wake of my very painful coffee burn (all down my chest which has been red and irritated since sunday), resulted in my pointed dictum that though i felt incredibly sorry for her husband for the abuse she showers atop his weary soul (remember, folks, i spent several days in a car with a woman who yelled at her husband, berated him, and spoke down to him as though he were some petulant child - over the phone in front of a complete stranger. god only knows what she says to him and how she treats him when no one else is around.), i was not going to act as his stand-in just because she needed to treat someone like shit.
she went on to tell me that the reason we don't get along is because we're too much alike. i am the first to admit that my list of faults is by no means short and i would never try to debunk any claim that i have a seriously short fuse on my temper and don't always use the best of judgment in situations where we'd all be better off if i could better bite my tongue, but i am nothing like her. she is disrespectful, grandiose, and so incredibly jealous of me that she couldn't stand the thought of having to spend three more days with me...
the past couple of days, i made a concerted effort to put some distance between us. i found my own way to and from headquarters, managed to get assigned to tasks that did not involve her, and only saw her in passing. i was cordial (friendly even), rarely spoke ill of her except to mention laughingly that she was a handful (even though she was clearly annoying others who asked me how awful it was to work with her), and i just let her be - even when she was chiding me unnecessarily. and then last night...
i was at headquarters till about midnight (she went "home" before i even returned from precinct 331's caucus), after which a large group of us went out for drinks. we were having a blast, drinking, laughing, taking pictures, she randomly showed up at the bar, all made up, looking sassy and ready to tear up the town. i complimented her immediately and told her to come join the party. then i turned back to the lively conversation i was in and never saw her again.
ya know, i always got the impression that she was envious when i was surrounded by people, laughing and having a good time. and when she tried to immerse herself, we all adjusted and brought her in, but it was different, more awkward, the energy changed, she tried to make it about her (and dammit, i want it to be about me - just kidding). i can't help it that i'm outoing, people like me, and i like people. people and me, we're a good match. people and my cohort, not a good match and she'd be the first to tell you as much.
the good news is that i never have to see her again, that i don't have to sit in her company, in a car, for three days, traveling 1600 miles across america's southwest. the good news is that i'm so much better off for being left behind. i know this. i feel it. i agree with it every single time someone says it. but i still can't get my arms around what kind of a person would leave their passenger stranded 1600 miles away from home without even a note. i'll say it again, who fucking does that?
(this blog cross posted at daily kos http://www.dailykos.com/story/2008/3/6/01941/31047/644/470229)
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