there once was a day i wondered if anyone would ever want to date me. fer reals.
i mean, yeah, sure, i'm smart, i care, i'm pretty, interesting, worldly, adventurous, snarky. and i'd even go so far as to fancy myself 'funny," and in a witty kinda way to boot. but i walk with a cane, i have braces on both my legs, and sometimes my physical and fashion limitations are really fucking annoying.
and not just for you.
i'm a silver lining kinda girl, so i see what's awesome about me first. and i am well aware of the benefits that come with being gimpy. i get great parking, don't have to wait in lines, didn't have to pay as much for college or law school, and i even make it onto those diversity check boxes in the employment line.
and believe me, i shamelessly take advantage of all of the above benefits, because if you, for one fucking hour of your life, had to spend time in my shoes, you too would agree that i deserve the advantages society offers me for having to put up with the bullshit i do every day.
sometimes i feel compelled to put this out there (i mean, it's been almost 20 years i've had to live with this), because so many of the people in my life don't see me as truly challenged as i am. and while that in itself is a blessing for which the english language is too limited to express, it's also not. because, while we all face challenges every single day of our lives that complicate the wonderful, get in the way of the fun, and demand sacrifice that otherwise wouldn't exist, mine probably sucks more than yours.
and sometimes i want to remind you.
check. sometimes i _need_ to remind you.
~k
06 February 2010
04 February 2010
ouch!
paris guy left this morning. and i already miss him. terribly.
it's kinda crazy this thing we've got. three months ago, i woulda (and probably did) swear that by the end of this year i'd be in afghanistan or washington, dc. and here i am, two months and a few days after parting ways with him for the first time, missing someone (and i'm talking agony here) i didn't even know on my last birthday.
and somehow, in some unexplainable way, he's managed to become so much to me, mean so much to me, be such a huge part of my life, and in such a short amount of time. as much as so many people want me to try to make sense of things, to make them feel better about the 180 this has flipped the direction of my life, i can't. it doesn't make sense. but it doesn't mean i don't know it's right. and for all the right reasons.
and ya know what? maybe it won't work out. maybe in a few months, we'll look at each other and ask ourselves 'what the fuck was i thinking?'. but for now, i'm not going to think about that. i'm not going to think about trying to make sense of things that cannot make sense. and i'm not going to worry about things that other people think i should worry about. because this is my life, and after everything i've been through the past few years, i deserve the happiness i feel when i'm with him.
the end.
~k
it's kinda crazy this thing we've got. three months ago, i woulda (and probably did) swear that by the end of this year i'd be in afghanistan or washington, dc. and here i am, two months and a few days after parting ways with him for the first time, missing someone (and i'm talking agony here) i didn't even know on my last birthday.
and somehow, in some unexplainable way, he's managed to become so much to me, mean so much to me, be such a huge part of my life, and in such a short amount of time. as much as so many people want me to try to make sense of things, to make them feel better about the 180 this has flipped the direction of my life, i can't. it doesn't make sense. but it doesn't mean i don't know it's right. and for all the right reasons.
and ya know what? maybe it won't work out. maybe in a few months, we'll look at each other and ask ourselves 'what the fuck was i thinking?'. but for now, i'm not going to think about that. i'm not going to think about trying to make sense of things that cannot make sense. and i'm not going to worry about things that other people think i should worry about. because this is my life, and after everything i've been through the past few years, i deserve the happiness i feel when i'm with him.
the end.
~k
23 January 2010
my inner afghan war
you know how reality feels so much different than anticipation of that reality? i was pretty sure the job offer was coming. a few weeks back, i got an email that i had been deemed "qualified" for a position on a team helping to design and implement the afghan justice system. they were simply waiting for confirmation of their defense department contract.
and then the offer came. two days ago, when it popped into in my inbox, i started shaking, sweating, and my head was spinning so furiously i didn't know what to feel or think, and i had to remind myself to. just. keep. breathing.
i mean, it is afghanistan. it's a scary and dangerous place. it's one thing to want to go there, and another to be invited (with a $200,000 offering to boot). it's one thing to want to build a nation. and another to walk amongst the ruins and gunfire of a country at war. it's one thing to want. another to have.
and ya know what? if i didn't have this great new wonder in my life - paris guy, and hopes about where it might could go, i don't know if i would have turned down the job (that they only gave me 48 hours to make a decision of this magnitude was also a big factor). but i did turn it down. and it didn't take anywhere near 48 hours.
all's it took was a couple of phone calls with a couple of really important people in my life, thinking about the direction my life would likely take to and through afghanistan, and realizing that i'm simply not ready. not now. and hearing paris guy tell me he didn't want to go was opium-laden icing on my happy cake.
but it doesn't mean i just stopped wanting to build a nation. it's just that now isn't the time for me. i have other things to do now, more things to learn. and though it'll take me a bit of time and effort to simmer down the over-indulgence of hotdoggery my ego is presently reveling in, the humility in me does recognize that having been granted this opportunity is a pretty telling indication that i will soon see bigger and better doors opening into even more auspicious meadows.
~k
and then the offer came. two days ago, when it popped into in my inbox, i started shaking, sweating, and my head was spinning so furiously i didn't know what to feel or think, and i had to remind myself to. just. keep. breathing.
i mean, it is afghanistan. it's a scary and dangerous place. it's one thing to want to go there, and another to be invited (with a $200,000 offering to boot). it's one thing to want to build a nation. and another to walk amongst the ruins and gunfire of a country at war. it's one thing to want. another to have.
and ya know what? if i didn't have this great new wonder in my life - paris guy, and hopes about where it might could go, i don't know if i would have turned down the job (that they only gave me 48 hours to make a decision of this magnitude was also a big factor). but i did turn it down. and it didn't take anywhere near 48 hours.
all's it took was a couple of phone calls with a couple of really important people in my life, thinking about the direction my life would likely take to and through afghanistan, and realizing that i'm simply not ready. not now. and hearing paris guy tell me he didn't want to go was opium-laden icing on my happy cake.
but it doesn't mean i just stopped wanting to build a nation. it's just that now isn't the time for me. i have other things to do now, more things to learn. and though it'll take me a bit of time and effort to simmer down the over-indulgence of hotdoggery my ego is presently reveling in, the humility in me does recognize that having been granted this opportunity is a pretty telling indication that i will soon see bigger and better doors opening into even more auspicious meadows.
~k
20 January 2010
annie coakley and bullshit sitting
one year ago today, i stood on the packed ground of a frozen mall, a few hundred yards away from the promise of a new leader who spoke of hope, of empowerment, of an america ours to fix. 'twas the worst day i ever loved, mostly because, after walking a thousand miles, up hill both ways, in subzero weather, all by myself, i felt a patriotic pride i'd never before known, and a sense of responsibility for the tomorrow that was about to unfold.
whilst listening to potus 44 take his oath of office, i knew i was no longer a sleeping bystander, but an inspired agent of change, ready to march to a new tune of hope, and ready to build a new generation of leaders.
for the past year, i have supported my president. i have worked very hard to become a leader in progressive national security policy, become more enaged in local and state government, and build a network of leaders. at the same time, i've watched my party disintegrate into finger-pointing factions, so mired in misplaced disappointment, that we have let our real opposition change the reality of the face of the problems in america. and most importantly, how to solve them.
one year ago today, when president obama took his office, we were in the throes of the worst economic crisis since the great depression, following the greatest redistribution of wealth from middle america to the megalomaniacs in big offices on wall street, all by and for economic deregulation policies that took hold during the reagan years, and compounded during the years of the three presidents that followed. obama stepped into a shitstorm that took 28 years to build, and yet the story being told today is that it's his fault those woes stand uncorrected. in the 365 days he's held the reigns. funny how that works.
funny because our loud, reasoned, educated voices are yelling at each other instead of the teabaggers.
a week ago, i was asked if i was going up to Mass whilst gallivanting about the district of columbia, to lend a helping hand to coakley-losing-lately (let's give a shout out to paris guy for having better political instincts than me), to which i responded (and i might be paraphrasing here):
"uh, no. there's no way ted kennedy's seat is falling to the repugs. that would equal more irony than i could even get my arms around. that's just the media spewing controversy to get all of us to pay attention to a non-story."
huh. i s'pose de nile ain't just a river in egypt after all.
and last night, while raw from that loss, and in the midst of an emotional break-down resulting from travel overload, not enough sleep, and a weekend of brain overstimulation, i was ready to throw in the towel, quit my party, and eternal sunshine of the spotless mind my giving a shit about any of this! (i mean, sometimes i really do want to cash in everything i've got and go sell t-shirts on the beach in costa rica).
but today, lucidity prevails. i'm slightly more rational (key word, slightly), because i'm going to give dems a chance to rise from these ashes, pull our heads out of our collective asses, and start working on writing and telling (er, yelling from the highest mountain) the real story here.
the real story here being that liberal policy and big government is the answer to our problems. that conservative policies took money from the poor to build up the rich, ignored our crumbling infrastructure, allowed 9/11 to happen before sending our troops to die in an aghastly unprovoked war, showed not one iota of concern for our rising national debt, and let america's reputation sour around the world, all of which has made us less safe, domestically and abroad.
reagan's biggest and most lasting positive acheivement was that he was able to breathe life into a generation of heartened conservatives who believed and still cling to the fallacy that, "government is not a solution to our problem, government is the problem."
and if democrats want to hang on to our majority, and make policies that make more sense for more americans, we have to change that story. we have to tell the true story that americans can and should believe: that government is the solution for fighting the evils of an unregulated and greedy private sector. that the conservative policies of the last three decades have acted as leeches, bleeding the heart, soul, and economic prosperity out of the average joe's, the pitbulls in lipstick, and even us latte drinking liberals, for the sake of a few more bucks in the coffers of its too-big-to-fail banks.
the end.
whilst listening to potus 44 take his oath of office, i knew i was no longer a sleeping bystander, but an inspired agent of change, ready to march to a new tune of hope, and ready to build a new generation of leaders.
for the past year, i have supported my president. i have worked very hard to become a leader in progressive national security policy, become more enaged in local and state government, and build a network of leaders. at the same time, i've watched my party disintegrate into finger-pointing factions, so mired in misplaced disappointment, that we have let our real opposition change the reality of the face of the problems in america. and most importantly, how to solve them.
one year ago today, when president obama took his office, we were in the throes of the worst economic crisis since the great depression, following the greatest redistribution of wealth from middle america to the megalomaniacs in big offices on wall street, all by and for economic deregulation policies that took hold during the reagan years, and compounded during the years of the three presidents that followed. obama stepped into a shitstorm that took 28 years to build, and yet the story being told today is that it's his fault those woes stand uncorrected. in the 365 days he's held the reigns. funny how that works.
funny because our loud, reasoned, educated voices are yelling at each other instead of the teabaggers.
a week ago, i was asked if i was going up to Mass whilst gallivanting about the district of columbia, to lend a helping hand to coakley-losing-lately (let's give a shout out to paris guy for having better political instincts than me), to which i responded (and i might be paraphrasing here):
"uh, no. there's no way ted kennedy's seat is falling to the repugs. that would equal more irony than i could even get my arms around. that's just the media spewing controversy to get all of us to pay attention to a non-story."
huh. i s'pose de nile ain't just a river in egypt after all.
and last night, while raw from that loss, and in the midst of an emotional break-down resulting from travel overload, not enough sleep, and a weekend of brain overstimulation, i was ready to throw in the towel, quit my party, and eternal sunshine of the spotless mind my giving a shit about any of this! (i mean, sometimes i really do want to cash in everything i've got and go sell t-shirts on the beach in costa rica).
but today, lucidity prevails. i'm slightly more rational (key word, slightly), because i'm going to give dems a chance to rise from these ashes, pull our heads out of our collective asses, and start working on writing and telling (er, yelling from the highest mountain) the real story here.
the real story here being that liberal policy and big government is the answer to our problems. that conservative policies took money from the poor to build up the rich, ignored our crumbling infrastructure, allowed 9/11 to happen before sending our troops to die in an aghastly unprovoked war, showed not one iota of concern for our rising national debt, and let america's reputation sour around the world, all of which has made us less safe, domestically and abroad.
reagan's biggest and most lasting positive acheivement was that he was able to breathe life into a generation of heartened conservatives who believed and still cling to the fallacy that, "government is not a solution to our problem, government is the problem."
and if democrats want to hang on to our majority, and make policies that make more sense for more americans, we have to change that story. we have to tell the true story that americans can and should believe: that government is the solution for fighting the evils of an unregulated and greedy private sector. that the conservative policies of the last three decades have acted as leeches, bleeding the heart, soul, and economic prosperity out of the average joe's, the pitbulls in lipstick, and even us latte drinking liberals, for the sake of a few more bucks in the coffers of its too-big-to-fail banks.
the end.
18 January 2010
the great divide
i am once again in my home away from home, in my other home city, and following a weekend of wondrous national security overload at a truman conference extraordinaire, i here sit contemplating the political scene this one year past the inauguration of a lifetime.
and i have to say, being a tried, true, and dedicated democrat, the one thing i've found i can consistently expect from our party, and liberals generally, is disappointment. we are so good at shooting ourselves in the foot, letting run rampant our self-righteous diatribes of disappointment in a status quo we can't even stop falling over ourselves bitching about to do anything to correct, that we lead ourselves right down a losing lane.
and then we have the audacity to blame it all on a president we lent blood, sweat, tears, and our hearts to see elected, only to abandon him in his hour of greatest need (see falling poll numbers, a healthcare debate gone awry, climate change legislation climbing deeper into a sinkhole).
why?
because our liberal elitism, our over-educated masses of deep thinkers, is too deeply embedded in pragmatism and intellectual prowess to recognize that the great divide our rifts cause do nothing to bring our party together. in fact, it does everything to keep us divided enough that we don't even stop to notice that the republican crazies are telling the only story anyone can hear, and the only story the masses are starting to believe. i mean, when i support the president, i'm accused by liberals of "drinking the kool-aid", or "clapping for tinkerbell".
the thing that republicans do well (and in no small part i credit the absence of intellectual acumen in its rank and file) is stick together, and stand up for one another. when reagan was president, his poll numbers fell like a house of cards his first year. yet instead of sitting back to see conservatives pointing fingers at one another, the republican party came together, to stand stronger together, and brought enough emotional patriotism into the narrative, that they were able to get those poll numbers back up, and win in a landslide come re-election time.
we are letting these teabagger dummies rant on about socialism and obama's far left agenda (lest we forget that our president is also the same hawk who upped the anty in a war in afghanistan), that healthcare will bankrupt us, when it's actually doing nothing about healthcare will bankrupt us. that big government intrustion is what caused the economic crises, and will continue to plague our unemployment numbers whilst we're delving deeper and deeper into an irrevocable abyss of debt, as if the bush administration had nothing to do with the economic crumble.
we are letting them tell the story, we are letting them write the narrative (in words so small they can all understand), because we are too busy bagging on our president, attacking one another because healthcare doesn't go far enough, because obama hasn't closed guantanamo, because he doubled down in afghanistan after promising us peace, love, and togetherness (not sure where _anyone_ heard such nonsense in his campaign stumping). because we think too much to stand down and be supportive, because we are so selfishly engaged in wanting more attention for ourselves, and being right, that we can't stop making liberal noise loud and long enough to be on the side of america.
the worst part about it is that the republican party itself is under the barrage of a great dividing firestorm, with no real leaders, and voices like glen beck, sarah palin, and rush limbaugh speaking the loudest. and instead of taking advantage of this opportunity to help them nail the final coffin in their dwindling party, we're helping them move even farther to the right, and pick up steam along the way.
and what's the end result of all this nonsense? we are going to lose our majority in congress this fall, and then we'll really know what it's like to be behind a president who can't get anything done, because the party of no will hold all the cards. and we'll have no one to blame but ourselves, because when push came to shove, we didn't have the ability to do the hard work, get behind the people trying to help our agenda, and tell a better story than "i'm better than you".
and you know what, we'll deserve it.
~k
and i have to say, being a tried, true, and dedicated democrat, the one thing i've found i can consistently expect from our party, and liberals generally, is disappointment. we are so good at shooting ourselves in the foot, letting run rampant our self-righteous diatribes of disappointment in a status quo we can't even stop falling over ourselves bitching about to do anything to correct, that we lead ourselves right down a losing lane.
and then we have the audacity to blame it all on a president we lent blood, sweat, tears, and our hearts to see elected, only to abandon him in his hour of greatest need (see falling poll numbers, a healthcare debate gone awry, climate change legislation climbing deeper into a sinkhole).
why?
because our liberal elitism, our over-educated masses of deep thinkers, is too deeply embedded in pragmatism and intellectual prowess to recognize that the great divide our rifts cause do nothing to bring our party together. in fact, it does everything to keep us divided enough that we don't even stop to notice that the republican crazies are telling the only story anyone can hear, and the only story the masses are starting to believe. i mean, when i support the president, i'm accused by liberals of "drinking the kool-aid", or "clapping for tinkerbell".
the thing that republicans do well (and in no small part i credit the absence of intellectual acumen in its rank and file) is stick together, and stand up for one another. when reagan was president, his poll numbers fell like a house of cards his first year. yet instead of sitting back to see conservatives pointing fingers at one another, the republican party came together, to stand stronger together, and brought enough emotional patriotism into the narrative, that they were able to get those poll numbers back up, and win in a landslide come re-election time.
we are letting these teabagger dummies rant on about socialism and obama's far left agenda (lest we forget that our president is also the same hawk who upped the anty in a war in afghanistan), that healthcare will bankrupt us, when it's actually doing nothing about healthcare will bankrupt us. that big government intrustion is what caused the economic crises, and will continue to plague our unemployment numbers whilst we're delving deeper and deeper into an irrevocable abyss of debt, as if the bush administration had nothing to do with the economic crumble.
we are letting them tell the story, we are letting them write the narrative (in words so small they can all understand), because we are too busy bagging on our president, attacking one another because healthcare doesn't go far enough, because obama hasn't closed guantanamo, because he doubled down in afghanistan after promising us peace, love, and togetherness (not sure where _anyone_ heard such nonsense in his campaign stumping). because we think too much to stand down and be supportive, because we are so selfishly engaged in wanting more attention for ourselves, and being right, that we can't stop making liberal noise loud and long enough to be on the side of america.
the worst part about it is that the republican party itself is under the barrage of a great dividing firestorm, with no real leaders, and voices like glen beck, sarah palin, and rush limbaugh speaking the loudest. and instead of taking advantage of this opportunity to help them nail the final coffin in their dwindling party, we're helping them move even farther to the right, and pick up steam along the way.
and what's the end result of all this nonsense? we are going to lose our majority in congress this fall, and then we'll really know what it's like to be behind a president who can't get anything done, because the party of no will hold all the cards. and we'll have no one to blame but ourselves, because when push came to shove, we didn't have the ability to do the hard work, get behind the people trying to help our agenda, and tell a better story than "i'm better than you".
and you know what, we'll deserve it.
~k
10 January 2010
perusing my data
when i burned the last decade, i made resolutions for this new one. it was a short list, but a bitchin' list. and i'm me, so i've no doubt i'll accomplish everything on the list (especially since the procrastinator in me has ten years to get through the damn thing), but one of them is to be writing full time by 2020.
i'm half way through a trilogy, a work of fiction set in ancient egypt, that still needs half this new decade's worth of work. and it's not just that i want to write novels, but i also want to be paid for more serious political analysis, some snark, a bit of bite, something more serious than boy meets girl, girl thinks boy is a fucktard, girl comes around, they fall in love, have lotsa sex, and live happily ever after (or die tragically, as is probably more my style).
but there's this one project i want to be the one that really kicks off my career. and it requires me to revisit my recent past. an easy task for a gal who has the details of every year of her life in about 100,000 words. in theory anyway.
going through it all, reading the words, listening to the soundtracks that defined that era for me, feeling all of those things again is surprisingly painful. so much so that i'm not sure how i ever survived.
or if i can survive reliving it for the sake of a kickstart...
~k
i'm half way through a trilogy, a work of fiction set in ancient egypt, that still needs half this new decade's worth of work. and it's not just that i want to write novels, but i also want to be paid for more serious political analysis, some snark, a bit of bite, something more serious than boy meets girl, girl thinks boy is a fucktard, girl comes around, they fall in love, have lotsa sex, and live happily ever after (or die tragically, as is probably more my style).
but there's this one project i want to be the one that really kicks off my career. and it requires me to revisit my recent past. an easy task for a gal who has the details of every year of her life in about 100,000 words. in theory anyway.
going through it all, reading the words, listening to the soundtracks that defined that era for me, feeling all of those things again is surprisingly painful. so much so that i'm not sure how i ever survived.
or if i can survive reliving it for the sake of a kickstart...
~k
my bucket list
i am processing. i'm collecting data of me, perusing the archives of the diaries i've written the past few years, and i found this list. printed copies are on my fridge and on my bulletin board in my office, but it was still neato to stumble across it in my "2007 in words" file. i made this list in october of 2007, a year and a half into my separation, thinking about my future without him. and it's still perfectly accurate...
20. sip turkish coffee in the shadow of the hagia sofia
19. climb the inca trail
18. sit on the inside of an igloo
17. live in paris for half a year
16. hold a really cute monkey
15. learn french and arabic
14. sail the indian ocean
13. swim with dolphins
12. be genuinely surprised by a surprise party
11. make a difference in someone’s life
10. win big in vegas
9. a dinner of bread, cheese and a perfect bottle of domaine de la romanée-conti
8. go on safari
7. take a vacation with my family
6. teach a history class
5. spend a year with no address
4. make love in the rain
3. publish a novel
2. share my life with a great love
1. have a child
20. sip turkish coffee in the shadow of the hagia sofia
19. climb the inca trail
18. sit on the inside of an igloo
17. live in paris for half a year
16. hold a really cute monkey
15. learn french and arabic
14. sail the indian ocean
13. swim with dolphins
12. be genuinely surprised by a surprise party
11. make a difference in someone’s life
10. win big in vegas
9. a dinner of bread, cheese and a perfect bottle of domaine de la romanée-conti
8. go on safari
7. take a vacation with my family
6. teach a history class
5. spend a year with no address
4. make love in the rain
3. publish a novel
2. share my life with a great love
1. have a child
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