the never ending playlist

i love every song on my ipod. some more than others, and some songs sometimes annoy the shit out of me, but they are all my favorite songs.

when i'm not reading super dense books on liberalism, the cold war, and anything by thoreau, i live on shuffle. till 18 songs tickle my fancy. then i burn 'em, and play the cd till it burns out, by which time i've shuffled enough to burn a new list. thing is, i haven't burned a cd since november...

i have shuffling rules (of course i do). i shuffle till i reach that magic number 18 (cuz that's what will consistently fit on a cd). i don't start over, but i give the universe free reign to let the music talk to me. i give it as long as it takes, usually anywhere from a few days to a few weeks. like, i get where i am in heart, soul, and life because a certain song's lyrics or thump will speak to me. and only when i get to that 18 do i feel i'm ripe to hear the the message. and then i play the list over and over and sometimes over again.

for five weeks i have shuffled, and i'm still a song shy of a burn. this run has played a lot of really random stuff i rarely hear. lotsa beastie boys, eminem, madonna, j.t., even more nine inch nails than usual. it's a random mix of fun, thumpy, bumpy stuff, but nothing i hear. i mean, it's all good, i'm enjoying the ride, and maybe i'll even make it to the end of my ipod.

it's just kinda weird.

~k

my new year's resolution

in 2008, i jumped off a cliff and flew. 2009 is my year to take delight in the flight.

i have spent the entirety of my being on a mission to nowhere. though always with a goal, something i drove toward with ferocious determination, i was so focused on the end of the road, i didn’t notice the road. this year there is no end, but only the road. my only resolution is to enjoy the road, and revel in its bumps and turns. though i will frequently indulge in a fair dose of wonder and “what if”, it is so i will recognize the next cliff, and be ready to jump...

~k

who is in the right when war is the answer?

i am, admittedly, new to the world of foreign policy. it has only been since the award of my fellowship that i've begun to pay as much attention to the world section of the ny times as i have been the op-ed and politics pages. and while there is clearly nothing new to the ongoing battle between israel and the rest of the middle east, i have no idea who is in the right.

it is very clear to me that the ny times is on the side of the israelis, as is most of america. i too find myself in that camp, only because i read, hear, and pay attention to what's being reported around me. i see the word hamas and terrorism springs to mind. when i think of israel, whether it's right or wrong, i think of holocaust retribution, a fresh start after a devastating loss, a new beginning for a people whose entire existence has been fraught with surviving attempts at mass extermination. i can't help but feel that the jewish people deserve their holy land.

and it's not like that land of milk and honey was really all that before israel declared itself a nation in 1948 (i'm not 100% on the facts here, but i think the league of nations created a nation or perhaps confirmed the existence of the british mandate of palestine, after the first world war, with the intent of providing a nation for the jewish people. then in 1947 that stretch of land known as palestine was split in half by the united nations, half to the jews, half to the arabs, and the jews of israel half had to go to war with the surrounding arab nations in order to officially demand its independence. i don't think palestine was officially recognized as its own nation until the late 1980's?). either way, it's been a land embattled in war since the beginning of time. i wouldn't want to live there.

anyway...

okay, so treaty after treaty, followed by wars, outbreaks of violence, terrorist activities, crimes against humanity, et al, by both sides, there exists this 5-ish mile strip of land that separates israel from the mediterannean sea. gaza. gaza was governed by egypt till 1967, when israel kicked its ass and took over the strip of land by military occupation. notwithstanding a few israeli settlements, the people who live there are not israelis. they are arabs, and they don't like israelis. in the '90's, there were a series of negotiations in an effort to transfer government authority over to the palestinians, and by 2005 israel was out of gaza. sort of.

israel still maintains control over airspace, anything in transit, immigration to and from, visitor travel, and issues related to taxation of israeli goods and services. this makes it feel to palestinians that israel hasn't really left their land. even today, it is israel who allows or denies humanitarian aid into the gaza strip.

gaza is in limbo. it is a "territory", owned by no one, governed by fighting palestinians and economically pinned by israel.

in 2006, there were palestinian elections to determine who would rule the gaza strip. the terrorist group hamas won. no real surprise there. the arabs living in the gaza strip don't like the perceived israeli occupation, and they elected (i'm not saying this was a good move) the intolerant, no nonsense, militaristic, "let's just kick their asses" hamas terrorist group to lead. the results of the election led to a lot of internal fighting between hamas and the other palestinian faction (the more moderate group), fatah. economic sanctions were instituted by the western world, even most of the arab world refused to accept hamas leadership, many palestinians fled the gaza strip, and hamas blames it all on israel.

since 2007, when hamas effectively ran out any other palestinian gov't and took the reigns over the gaza strip, they have been poking at israel. they have shot more than 10,000 rockets into towns in southern israel, have in all likelihood been using government funds to purchase military weapons instead of investing in farms, education, and infrastructure, and have waged an ongoing attack against israel.

israelis, though they aren't necessarily being killed by these ongoing rocket and mortar attacks, are suffering psychologically, individually and as a nation. at some point it seems that they have a right to step it up and remind hamas-controlled-gaza that they won't want to mess with the big dogs.

the thing is, how far do they go? when does it stop? the ny times is reporting that nearly 400 palestinians have been killed, many of which are innocent civilians. on the one hand, you wanna tell israel, "ok, enough's enough, you've made your point. back off, and open the roads for humanitarian aid to get back into gaza." and on the other hand, when is it ever okay to take 400 lives for the sake of making a point?

really, who is to blame? i don't know. i still don't know. maybe there isn't a right and a wrong. maybe it's just meant for the madness to go on and on and on. in writing this, i'd hoped to find someone to blame, and someone to make it stop. but i'm right back where i started, with only questions and no answers...

~k

my great unanswered

so, i meant to use this weekend to finish my novel. and here i am contemplating the great question of my moment…

part of me can’t even believe i’m putting this into my blog where all two of you are going to see what i’m thinking. but as sonya would tell me, ‘we win big and lose big, but always go big’ so i’m just gonna close my eyes and jump big with the hopes that even if you can’t help me, i can listen to myself for a minute and see what it is i am really trying to see.

is it better to be alone or is it better to share life with someone else?

on the one hand, this is a no brainer. like, who wants to spend their entire life alone, right? that way i answer the question with another question with no answer. the thing is, i’ve been living alone (mostly) for almost three years, and i kinda dig it. i like that i’m spending most of this weekend locked away in solitude. i like that in solitude is where i’ve sorta spent this entire past year, which, incidentally, has been the greatest of my life. yeah, i’ve been around lotsa people, in lotsa places, but i did it alone, and gave way to the circumstances to keep myself locked in solitude.

and even today, i like that the only sounds in my apartment are the heater working overtime (that is one noisy bastard, btw) and my fingers tapping the keyboard. i like that i eat what i want, that i drink too much without interference, that i can sit in my sweatpants all day, that i can keep myself safely tucked away from the woes of the world.

i’ve been so disappointed with love the past few years, have been so disappointed in myself for the choices i have and haven’t made, for the way i’ve let the emotions and words of others have such a profound impact on my being true (or not being true, as the case may have been) to myself. and i don’t know if i can really trust me enough to go back out there, give love a fair shot, and keep about me what i’ve grown to love so much this year.

and to be perfectly honest with me and both of you, i’m not 100% sure that i want to share my life. i have these moments where i _know_ i do, where i _know_ i have so much to give and want to share this crazy big heart of mine. and then i have these others, where i feel content with the way things are, with me on my own, and i like the way it feels to be succeeding in life all by myself. and i don’t know if the scared in me is looking for an excuse to “choose” to be alone as opposed to practicing my preachings and taking a real leap of faith, or if this is a serious question to seriously ponder.

i also can’t remember how much i liked sharing my life. i do know that i don’t remember ever being as happy as i am now. and i don’t know if that’s because i am alone, or if it's taken me this long to find the place where i can be happy enough to share. i just don’t know.

oh, and this is a good one to leave a comment if you have anything to share :)

~k

a letter to a humanitarian

dear humanitarian friend -

in our last conversation and in your blog, you have expressed grave disillusionment in the way some of the rest of us view your work. you don't want to be viewed as someone who is saving the world. i try, but i'm not sure i understand why. is it because you really don't feel that the work you're doing is saving the world or is it that you're not sure you deserve such a label because you chose your path and find love and excitement in your work?

the thing is, you make sacrifices most wouldn't make. you spend weeks living out of a suitcase in dangerous and remote places in africa and the middle east, trying to make inroads with and for people who move as slowly as molasses. you do it because you are trying to do what you can to make those places better for the people inauspiciously resident. you write op-ed pieces and a blog of your own on the atrocities and challenges within the aforementioned parts of the world. you keep your own emotions and even personal reward in check because you have chosen the life of a wandering pauper over that of the wall street lawyer you were educated to become and offered.

look, i understand that martyrdom is not what you seek. i get that maybe it's not fair that you mostly enjoy your work. but really, is it all that great? i mean, sure, there are moments you love what you do, see the results of your labors, look into the eyes of the people you are trying to help, but you suffer. you live a lonely existence for weeks on end. you are exhausted when on the go. you find occasional moments of serenity now that you've found a place you can call home, but don't have the time and energy to forge new friendships, build a relationship, and revel in all of the other elements of a rooted life.

people like us sacrifice a lot to make the world a better place. it's where we find the greatest sense of personal achievement, but the costs to our personal lives are untold. i have no regrets for leaving my life behind to do everything in my power to change the course of my beloved but drowning america (and darlin', my work is far from finished), but i lost as big as i won.

i lost friendships i'll never recover. i lost the freedom to live a carefree life. i will never again look at the woes of the world and not feel responsible to work to correct them. i will never stop working to be the best and most charitable me i can be, and i will never reach my own ideal because i am too mired in the rat race. my relationships suffer terminally because i carry the weight of the world atop my shoulders. someone recently told me i'll never actually have the life i want because i'm too accomplished, too driven, too successful, that i will never find the requisite strength and confidence within the fragile ego of the truly fairer sex to build a successful relationship (the lonely christmas i bring about is set to be like all the others before it, a pity party of epic proportion).

it makes me angry that my talents can mobilize people. it makes me angry as hell that what i do best pays nothing, keeps me up at night, and is pushing me into the pernicious world of american politics. it makes me angry that people now have expectations of me, hopes for me, and are making demands of my time, energy, and passion they don't even realize they want and need. and it thrills me so much that i can't help but throw myself into the thick of it. i am energized by it, i feel accomplished, i feel like i'm contributing, that i'm making the world a little bit better, and i need that. i need it to feel personally, professionally, and intellectually satisfied. and i hate it just as fervidly.

a crossroads lies in my path. in one direction, i see and fear a life of lonely political success. in the other lies personal reward that will dim the fire in my soul. i am being pushed and pulled toward the former, while wanting the latter. i just don't know if i can live with a dim fire in my soul, but i sure as shit don't want to be a fucking martyr either. i really don't.

so, i guess what i'm trying to say is that as much as i try to understand what you're saying, i'm not sure i do. and as much as i love you and want to respect you, i still can't help but see someone changing the world when you stand before me.

~k

things are about to get interesting...

i say that as if a boring moment has even touched my life in the past year, but what i mean is that local political activism appears to be setting its sights on a big chunk of my life (as opposed to the national political scene that's held my life without ransom since january of last year).

random thought: i really wish i didn't hate the la times... i really am going to have to start reading the damn thing.

so, agendas are starting to roll out, activists are trying to come together, a few of us are working on building a bridge, and a small-scale coup d'état is likely in order so the better leaders can better bridge the activists. in hypothtical speak, let's just assume that there's a particular congressional district in ripe shape to be assumed by leaders with smaller egos and better intent, so as to unify, empower, respect, and include its residents in a well-oiled machine of progressive activists. and let's just further assume that the person currently holding the self-appointed leadership role is more akin to the likes of anwar sadat. a belevolent dictator is, after all, still a dictator, even if he is wearing the enlightened hat. and such a leader needs to go...

and we've got shit to do here. we need to get prop 8 repealed. we need to set a progressive agenda of our own on issues from healthcare, the environment, education, and economic reform. we need to solidify our movement so we can present ourselves as either a threat or a tremendous support network to our local politicians, and start making ourselves seen, heard, and recognized as a power with which a reckoning will be demanded. and we can, for there is great power in numbers, especially in numbers of educated, informed, enlightened citizens.

all of this makes me go gooey in the knees. and wonder if i'll ever again have a quiet night at home alone (i fondly remember when i used to get 4 or 5 such nights each week) or find someone i'll want to fall crazy madly in love with.

oh the woes of an enlightened activist...

~k

what i want

so much is up in the air right now, so much is going on, so many offers are coming and going, and so many questions are being asked without answers. it gets a girl wondering what it is she really wants.

there's the obama administration position i'm being recommended for, a nalp position i was nominated to assume, a congressional seat i've had my eye on, and a national security fellowship i've got my name all over. but then there's my real life, my real job, my friends, and everything else that's been me all these weeks and months. so what is it i really want, and why am i trying so hard to consider and make room for all this other bullshit?

for the sake of full disclosure, i should admit that i'm a wee bit drunk right now. naeun and i had a coupla drinks and a fat bowl of pho ga tonight, and i'm still buzzed. she made me think, and she made me think about what i want out of my life. exactly which direction i want to point my future and start moving toward.

that's easy. it really is. i've said it all along, and even though i let ambition or politics or the "i know i'm a bad ass, let's prove it to the world" ego get in the way, i know what i want. i want to fall crazy, madly in love with some amazing man and create a family. i want to be a mom. i want to write historical fiction novels and political commentary to pay the pay the bills while i have my babies and raise them to be the enlightened future of our country and the world. that is _exactly_ what i want. i don't care where or when it happens, but that's what i want. that's what will give my life even more meaning than it has today (which is a lot).

the obama job would be impossible to turn down. shit, i might even have to pack up my life and move to dc if it comes through. nalp is easy. my day job is just that. it has no meaning, no long term potential, no career card. the congressional race decided for me when my congressman decided not to accept the job obama was offering. and the fellowship is mine. i wanted it. i want it. i got it. and i couldn't be more thrilled. it's going to teach me to think critically about national security, will give me the resources and connections to start writing and publishing op-ed pieces and being a liason to the media and polticians on national security issues. this is my segway into writing political commentary and advising politicians on important political matters. it's right. it feels right. and it's the right door to walk through.

and my first novel. well, it's done. it just needs for me to let go and go to publish. it will. it's good. i can write. it's the one thing i do that i know i do well. and there's no reason i shouldn't be paid for it.

so that is it. what i want is easy. i want to fall in love, madly, crazy, hopelessly in love, i want to bring children into that love affair, and i want to be paid to write, while my lover and i raise the leaders of tomorrow.

it really is that simple...

~k