it defies mind

all day i have wept.  in waves of course, but i have wept all day.  i cannot even begin to wrap my mind around what the parents are going through right now...just 10 days shy of every kid's favorite eve of the year.

or those other kids. that entire community.  everyone gearing up to celebrate the holidays in grand fashion...a spirit stopped dead in its tracks by an inconceivable act of terror.  how can this be?

all day i have searched to try to understand how this can be.  in the deepest depths of my soul, there exists not even an inkling of a place dark enough to begin to comprehend the depravity that one must possess to walk into an elementary school with an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and open indiscriminate fire on the most innocent of us.  those wide-eyed, trusting, and beautiful little babies...20 of which are no longer with us, and all the rest that have to live life after today.  how can this be?

i can't remember my heart ever more broken for another...for so many others.  i weep still, and i think part of me always will.

~k

believing

four years ago, i lived on this blog during the dog days of two very long obama campaings.  from texas to indiana to south dakota, mt. rushmore and yellowstone, terra naomi on constant repeat for nearly 3,000 miles...and in california for the final stretch and the astounding victory.  every word, every emotion, every captured moment lives somewhere in these notes from the music box steps.

that campaign changed my life.  it gave me the kind of hope that digs deep into your soul and never stops burning, though sometimes the burn's of the more dimly sort. 2008 was my renaissance year, a year weaved in and out of the excitement of barack obama. 

these past four years have been remarkably changey, for me and the country.  we've been through some shit times, have had our hearts broken, our spirit broken, have been through wars, big moves, giant set-backs, big failures, and some pretty fucking amazing accomplishments-after a lot of dusting ourselves off and trying and trying again.

and here we are, 60 days left in the chance to finish what we started.  we've got a couple of big hurdles...a coupla debates, a european financial crisis that has zip to do with us but could bring us to our knees overnight, and the rampant fucktardery in these here united states.  but we are america (and me), and we don't quit.  no matter how dark the days, we know that just over that next hill lies a burgeoning sun, and we march toward that light with our heads high and our swords drawn.  the journey we all started with barack obama...we're only half-way to goal and we owe it to ourselves, our president, and our country to get the whole way we intended when we set out together.

good thing i have hope, of the ever burning sort...because i still believe in america, in the american dream, in a better tomorrow, and in president obama's leading our way there.

forward.

~k  

recessing losers

dear congress: i hate your fucking guts. i hope every last one of your stinking asses gets fired this november. 

best regards,

~k

the chikin debacle

i really do feel guilty about eating gay-hating-chicken, but it's so flippin' delicious i just can't resist.

i'm sorry.

~k

preposterous chutzpah

so, i'm pissed now.  33 times the house of ill repute has pushed through a bill they damn well know has absolutely no chance of getting anywhere.  this same mother fucking congress that, after firing up millions of bat-shit voters, went on and on and on about how they were going to focus everything on jobs, jobs, jobs.  and since those clowns have taken over the circus, the economy has slowed.  less jobs are being created, the unemployment rate is climbing again, and we're headed into yet another round of economic trials and tribulations...as europe tries to weather its storm. 

we are in dire straits here.  our economy and society are so far out of whack that we need serious, smart, mathy, wonky, _thinking_ people in government.  people who can work together to solve problems, re-invigorate industry, repair our schools and roads (even if that means telling unions who get in the way of progress to go fuck themselves), put some balance back into our economy, some harmony into our society, and try to strike some semblance of fairness.  our democracy exists when the people are represented by the people.  and that's not what we have right now.

america has become a land where the people are represented by the very few with a whole lot of dough (see oligarchy).  we are a land of morons, completely duped into clinging onto and fighting over nonsensical issues (see blow jobs, birth certificates, religious differences, whether climate change is happening, why a waiting period and background check to purchase a semi-automatic weapon is equivalent to tyranny) whilst policies and laws are being bought--at very high prices (see k street)--for the benefit of people of great wealth. and for what? job creation? bullshit. if mitt romney and his richy rich friends were investing their money back into america, there would be more jobs here. not only are they not investing it in america, they aren't even keeping it in this country.

why does mitt romney need to keep money in offshore accounts?  so he doesn't have to invest a small fraction of those dollars into america's coffers?  doesn't he already have a house with an elevator?  what the fuck else does that guy need?  would it really kill mitt to help support america's schools and repair and rebuild her roads?  or to help us get out of this ruinous financial black hole we find ourselves in right now?  the guy that doesn't even have pride enough in his country to share some of his wealth toward america's greatness now wants to be its leader. and people are actually considering voting for him...

~k

the shitshow on the hill

does anyone else remember john boehner crying about how his house of representatives was going to focus on getting america back to work?  "jobs, jobs, jobs, it's all we should be focusing on. not this frivolous nonsense our democratic colleagues have been working on the past two years".  (i paraphrase).  what a bunch of bullshit.

how many times has boner's precious house voted to repeal the affordable care act?  let's see...33.  33 fucking times, when they damn well know that bill will get nowhere.  even if it were to miraculously get through the senate, there's no way in hades president obama is _EVER_ going to sign away his signature piece of legislation, legislation that has been appropriately passed and whose legality has been confirmed by a conservative supreme court.

we can argue about the merits of the bill till the cows come home (i, personally, am in favor of something far more liberal but would've happily settled for the public option i didn't get for the sake of lame compromise), but the law is here and it's here to stay.  the mandate, whether a tax or not, is the only way the very popular provisions (pre-existing conditions coverage, parental coverage till 26, subsidies for lower-income families, insurance exchanges, etc.) can exist.  the mandate--i might remind y'all--was a republican idea, one that embraces its "personal responsibility" mantra, so i don't understand why in the eff it's all of a sudden a shining example of the socialist government take-over (oh wait, yes i do, it's because president obama signed it into law).

my point of all of this being...that the republican-controlled house of representatives seems to care more about wasting taxpayer time and money on frivolous and vindictive actions than on getting america back to work.  i hope this great effort results in all of their asses being kicked the fuck to the curb this november.

~k

p.s. i created one job this month...which is one more than mitt romney.  yay me.

onward to jeans

bebe came 12 weeks ago today.  in the past 12 weeks, i've lost 40-ish pounds (the last 3-5 are hanging on for dear life as the scale moves to and from my goal).  i even started doing measurements in addition to the weight checks because, now that i'm working out again, i have to consider that muscle weighs more than fat.  i'm out of maternity clothes and back into my regular clothes--albeit a bit more snuggly.

so...tomorrow will be my first attempt at jeans.  i'm super scared.  i'm not going to even attempt my skinny jeans (i initially gave myself till my birthday (in november) for the skinny jeans, but based on the rampant speed at which the preggo pounds have melted, i've backed the skinny jeans goal to labor day), but i am going to try for a pair of my favorite jeans from the good ole days...

wish me luck! 

~k

back to work

so, i'm going back to work a week from monday (it's the perfect time to go back because the 4th of july holiday is on wednesday and it'll be pretty peachy to have a day off right in the middle of the week).  not that i'm the kinda girl you'd ever think would want to stay home full time, but it's kind of amazing just how forward to work i'm looking.

don't get me wrong.  i am nuts about my kid.  i think she's the coolest person on the entire planet and there's no one i'd rather hang out with (though hubby is in a close second).  but i also love my job.  i love my work, the people around me, and the people i'm helping.  i need my work to feel like i'm me.

it's a good thing the chips all fell as they did.  bella's baby school is a dream, hubby's schedule works really well with mine, and i have the kinda job where i can work from home sometimes and work half days others.  it couldn't've worked out better if it had been the grand design. 

i think the gods are smiling on me...

~k

the mohawk

yeah, my baby has a mohawk...i feel very strongly that anyone capable of looking good in a mohawk owes it to the world to wear it proudly.  and bella does.

if you don't like it, get your own baby and give her boring hair.

~k

getting back to me

it has occurred to me, more often than not, that i really should be blogging about this whole mommy thing.  on top of that, there's an election coming up.  i should have lots to say about a lot.  and i will. for now, i'm just here to dip my foot back in the water...

today has been a break day.  bella is at baby school, and i've been trying to get caught up on a few things.  my plan was to spend the morning in the pool--ignoring all the things i need to get caught up on, but construction dudes were working in the basement and there's no way this fat ass is going anywhere near mixed company in a bathing suit.

so i did some catching up (bills, emails, returning calls sortsa stuff), went to the dentist (my least favorite place on the planet), read the rantings of some ugly, angry lady who hates disney princesses, american girl, and the color pink.  and because my baby isn't here, i took a long shower and _washed my hair_.

heaven has a whole new look these days.  in more ways than one...

more to come.

~k

the wild and winding road

holy crap! i haven't been on here in almost three months! i've thought lots about it, even came close to logging in a time or two, but there's so much to say, it's like...where to start...so i don't even bother.

i'm having a baby in a couple of weeks, feeling pretty good about it, feeling pretty good generally, and today i got this photo:
.

wow. it says a lot. about how happy i am. about how happy we are. and about how hot we are - even when my ass is the size of a mack truck. been some rough times, that's fer sure. but now that everything has settled into place, it's almost weird. sometimes i fer reals have to pinch myself because i can't believe this is my life. and more than that, i can't believe how much i love it. except for winter. i really fucking hate winter.

turns out, i'm getting my april with cherry blossoms in a different, even better package, and i'm thinking it works best to throw caution to the wind when making wishes.

~k

decisions

not so long ago, the gravity of my decisions amounted to red vs. white, taxi or metro, bourbon or irish, drive or walk, spain or the czech republic. not so long ago that i can count the months backwards on a hand, or maybe two.

hubby and i've been talking about life insurance since well before we got married. we have a mortgage, expectations about a life with both our salaries, travel plans. and now, we have another life to pay for. so the time came to really pull the trigger on upping our life insurance to appropriate amounts.

and as unexpected as it shouldn't have been, there came a question i'm still not prepared to answer. secondary beneficiary. this time it's not just about who gets the money if hubby and i tragically die together. it's about who we trust to raise our child. how are we supposed to answer that? how am i supposed to answer that?

i mean, shit, there've been plenty of times i genuinely struggled deciding between red and white, resorting to the flip of a coin to adjudicate for me. and now i have to choose another flawed human being, probably paired up with an even more flawed human being, to raise my child as i would have. or at the very least as well as i would have liked.

and until i can even wrap my mind around the gravity of that decision, i don't think i can actually make one...

~k

another year gone

hubby and i broke in the new car on a road trip to the windy city for the holiday weekend. we spent new year's eve day hanging with friends while our teams (ucla and u of i) played each other in a most uncelebrated toilet bowl game, and then he went out with our friends that evening while i opted for a cozy night in bed cuddling with miss scarlet.

it's not that i planned all along to bow out of spirited celebrations or that i wanted to be anywhere but in the arms of my love when the bells towed away another year, but i just couldn't do it. i couldn't go "out".

twas probably because i spent the entirety of the afternoon at a football-watch party around merry people drinking and laughing and having a good time, and whilst i wasn't not having a good time, i really felt out of place. i can't drink. i'm in a time and place in my life with nary a space for frivolous thoughts. and frankly, as much as i love being pregnant (another blog post), i don't love having the same fucking conversation over and over and over again with every single person who sits down beside me.

it goes like this, "so, when are you due?" [i answer]. "do you know if it's a boy or girl?" [i answer]. "oh that's so exciting!" [i agree]. the end.

maybe it's my fault. i mean, i am pretty much consumed by baby thoughts and i am carrying around a soccer ball sized belly. maybe it's their fault. they don't have kids. they've never been pregnant. they don't know that i'm still a real person underneath that big belly and behind that wine glass of sparkling juice. or maybe it's just that we're all in an in-between phase of life, some of us coming, some of us going, all of us moving around in different shades of gray, not remembering what it was like to be in their shoes or knowing what it's like to be in mine.

or maybe it's no one's fault. it's just life. and with life comes change. and isn't change all about figuring out how to maneuver through the unknown? i think that sentiment pretty much sums up my 2011... and the start to my 2012...

~k