beautiful lilies on my table...

...and it’s 11:11 everywhere i look. and that’s how i feel right now too. i’ve had a really busy week, haven’t had a moment to myself ‘cept those few moments before going to sleep each night, and my long overdue night to myself is recharging my spirit.

my life has been opened up so much the past few weeks. i’ve been reconnecting with the friends i left when i joined the campaign, as well as integrating all that is new. i’ve re-discovered that the people i call friends are the most extraordinary people i know. how fortunate i am to recruit and retain the world’s best of the best for myself…

and i met a boy, a complicated but beautiful boy who has inspired me to widen my horizons. i’m reading a new novel that’s rocking my world, listening to music that’s finding a match with my soul, and finding an even deeper part of me than i knew existed. and even if it goes nowhere, he has given me hope and faith that beautiful boys, good enough to meet and surpass my standards, are out there, waiting as patiently as me for the real thing. for the right person.

the thing i’ve found that gives me this crazy, good kind of detachment, is, i guess, confidence. knowing everything is okay and will be okay means it is okay. i finally get that the small things don’t matter. that the things that seem like they should be important, aren’t important. that life rewards the hardworking and faithful. that i am and will continue to be rewarded because i like who i am, i’m proud and happy with the woman i’ve become. like not just in words i find when i write, but in conversations i have, exchanges i meet, people i see, life i live, moments that take my breath away. everything seems brighter. the silver lining in the clouds gleams brighter, and the people in my life are enhancing every moment i live. even the ones i know for only a moment each day or a moment in a lifetime…

i no longer worry how i can make a difference, but feel a certain satisfaction in knowing i do make a difference, every single day, if only for a moment, if only because of a smile or a simple recognition of another. and that’s enough. my glass of pink wine is enough. my simple evening at home, alone with laundry drama, the “once” soundtrack, and “the feast of love” is enough. my friends and family are so much more than enough. everything that matters is already the biggest part of my life. anything else is simply good fortune.

i cried over a diamond

i thought it was time. i mean, i'm trying to get my shit together. i'm committing to a budget, i'm committed to saving, and living well within my means. i'm ready to let go of my old life and embrace the one that's more me. but that diamond...

i was meeting a friend in the gem business because i wanted to sell my engagement ring and turn it into something that pays interest or dividends. i took the ring out of its secret spot and put it on. first my ring finger, then my middle finger (which is the only place it fits now), i twisted it around a bit, looked at it on my hand held high by the light, then i took it off, put it into its little red box, and dropped it into my handbag. adios, engagement ring.

by the middle of the afternoon, i was crying with my office door closed. it wasn't a gushing tears kinda thing, but an "i need some time to myself" tear up. because of that ring and all it represents. dude, i couldn't part with the ring. i couldn't do it. i flaked on my friend and went home to put it back where it belongs.

he was totally understanding and even offered alternatives to ditching it. so we're scheduled again for next week. i have six days to keep the ring where it belongs. six days to let go of the last symbol of the life i left behind. six days...

get your mitts off the nozzle

so the big douchebags in charge want to start drilling off the coastlines of america. let's get more oil, let's get it all, kinda thinking, i s'pose. people, the last thing we need is more oil. oil causes wars, destroys the delicate balance of nature wherever it goes, puts major dents in our pocketbooks and lifestyles, and our dependence on the shit has got to stop.

dubya promises that it'll bring down the cost of gas. and maybe it will, in about ten years, and it won't be enough to matter. it won't be enough to ease the high costs you're now paying at the pump, at the grocery store, in malls, and on your utilities. all it will do is punt to our children to have to clean up this mess we've been left by the industrial revolution.

the other day, i was having a discussion with someone about how it astounded me that people are so selfish when it comes to conserving natural resources. i just don't get why it doesn't matter to people that we are making a huge mess for future generations to clean up. and you know what he said? he said, "more than half of this country expects the world to end any day, so they don't care." is this true?

for those of you who don't believe that, why don't you stop being a bunch of pussies and make a teensy effort. let's go green. let's start a revolution of our own. it's not that hard to separate recycleables from your trash and curb your use of plastic (i mean, i've only just cut plastic water bottles out of my life, and i'm saving about $20 per month, or $240 per year. i invest that $240 per year in a green fund with a 10% return, and in 10 years i've got $4,200 in the bank. just by cutting out bottled water (and with neato sigg bottles, who needs 'em)...)

and stop driving big, stupid cars. unless your job requires hauling shit around, lose the trucks and especially the suv's. and try taking a walk. maybe you'll burn a couple of pounds of your tv-watching / video-game-playing fat ass. one day each week, walk or take the bus instead of drive. one day each week.

and just give a shit. think about it. look around your life and find one or two simple changes you can make that will make a difference in the world. it's not that hard...

i'm with franklin and kucinich

any person who sacrifices liberty for security deserves NEITHER!

giving up your civil liberties so the government has free access to your private life on a flimsy standard of proof does not protect you from terrorists. it takes away your power to protect yourself from a president going dictatorial.

fascism: a governmental system led by a dictator having complete power, forcibly suppressing opposition and criticism, regimenting all industry, commerce, etc., and emphasizing an aggressive nationalism and often racism. you think that can't happen here? just keep on handing your government your rights on a silver platter, and see what happens...


cross posted at daily kos

becoming a politico

so i dig politics. it's fun, interesting, intellectually stimulating and it's great to know some of those bombdiggity mo-fo's out there who tirelessly work their tails off, thousands of miles from home, living and eating with strangers for months on end, so we can have a better america. and because i can't live that life, i'm doing what i can here, to keep those races alive.

in a word, fundraising. raising funds is all about networking, exploiting the crap out of my contacts to get to their contacts, to get invited to places to meet more people, so i can find their friends who are interested in contributing time or money to political campaigns. and i possess the requisite skillset to get it done. i enjoy meeting people, i love talking politics with other informed and educated people, even if we disagree on nearly everything (and i'm trying really hard to contain my passion because i do want to understand the other side (even if it seems so foreign to me)), and i like coordinating events.

i hope y'all don't mind that i'm using you as sounding boards as i figure out what i want from this life. i may from time to time sound contradictory, but i am a woman and do reserve the right to change my mind at any time, and so long as i'm continuing to grow as a person, i will change my mind. i'll become a bit more aware and a bit more enlightened, but i kinda hope i never have it all figured out...for the journey is a wonder in itself...

did the election turn lame?

i cannot stay interested in the news these days...

up until june 7th, i was all over the news, read several newspapers/blogs each day, tuned in faithfully to countdown every night, even watched dan abrams' show here and again, and spent my sundays glued to the tube, beginning with meet the press (i already miss you, tim russert), on to whoever else interested me. and then i'd blog the shit out of all the pieces of news i'd been ferociously consuming.

now i skim those same newspapers and blogs i couldn't wait to scour. now i have to make a concerted effort to stay focused during countdown (though i do still watch every day - almost). and now i have nothing to really blog about because, i'm sad to report, the election went from passionate, heated, and exciting to blah, blah, and blah.

it's because there's only one candidate with any umph, only one candidate anyone wants to hear, and only one candidate people rally to because they _want_ to support him. the other is a dead man walking, an old maverick still flying on the wings of his commendable sacrifices for a better america, but who's fervor for life and politics has been replaced by senility and ennui.

this race ended before it begun and i don't know how it is that we can keep the masses captivated. but we need to find a way. the media needs to find a way, the candidates need to find a way, and the surrogates need to find a way. let's make news if the media won't spin some for us, but there are way too many smaller races (e.g. charlie brown for congress in california's 4th) that need the enthusiasm of a united democratic party to win seats. and democrats need to respark our campaign(s) because we are going to need everyone involved when the time comes to get out the fucking vote!

shopping for boys

for a really long time i've kept myself from dipping my foot in the dating pool. there were a lot of reasons, but ultimately it was hope of something that wasn't to be... but it's good. i'm definitely the best me i've ever been, and my friends (as well as the random attention i've been attracting) are really encouraging me to get out there.

so i joined match...

i'm an online shopper, as a standard rule. it beats the crap out of having to deal with crowds and lines and all the other b.s. associated with shopping in los angeles. it seems, after one week of participating in this new online dating ritual, it may just cut out a lot of a similar type of bullshit i avoid by buying my trousers online.

i would rather drive nails into my skull than "date". i feel terribly uncomfortable, can't get to a place where i can tell if my "date" is being sincere and if i'm being sincerely me, and i don't like that anxiety. this online thing is cool because:

1) there are bazillions of boys to choose from
2) there's no hurt feelings by lack of interest, because you haven't taken the time to invest anything other than reading someone's profile
3) by the time you are ready to invest your precious time, it's because a foundation has already been established. because one of them is smart enough, cute enough, intriguing enough to explore...
4) and if it doesn't work out, there's a dozen more potentials back on the website...

part of me feels cold for looking at it this way, but why shouldn't i look at mate shopping as seriously and as openly as i shop to accessorize my wardrobe? or even more so. think about it, my typical hang out spots are work, bars, coffee shops, lunch sites downtown, and strolling about my neighborhood. what are the chances i'll meet a boy good enough for me? slim. and since i'm hoping to find someone i can share my life with (and since i kind of have and want to keep an extraordinary life, it's going to take someone extraordinary), i better have a wider search.

besides, it's nice to have a first date with someone who worked hard enough to be in the number one spot, after being just another cute, smart, creative guy winking at me...

stay tuned.